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The Most Offensive Speech Ever

There’s nothing more frightening to a liberal college administrator than the gospel message. And I mean that literally. Twice, and only twice, since I’ve been a professor at UNC-We’re Afraid of Jesus, hereafter UNCW, I’ve been warned that there is about to be an exceedingly offensive message broadcast on campus. On both of those occasions, the message was the Gospel. Here’s the latest warning, which was sent out on September 4th to everyone in the university community:

“I wanted to make you aware of a freedom of expression permit that has been approved for this Thursday. Christopher Jude Crowley from ‘Dead 2 Sin Ministries’ will be on campus Thursday, September 5th between 12:00p-4:00p in the Commons Amphitheater. He is not sponsored by a student organization, but he will have a permit from the Office of the Dean of Students. His topic is ‘to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ.’ Per our procedures, notice(s) will be placed at appropriate locations stating who the speaker/group will be and the duration of time they will be in the location. This will allow for people to reroute their day if they prefer not to hear a speaker they may find offensive or to avoid the area due to congestion.”

This is a grand idea, isn’t it? College is the last place where we would want students to encounter an idea that might be offensive. It would also be insane to assume that they are adults possessed of the ability to take matters into their own hands and divert themselves away from messages they might find to be disagreeable. So I support these “notices at appropriate locations” just like I support these mass emails warning in advance of these potentially offensive situations. I just wish the university would have posted some signs and sent some emails before I encountered some of the following examples of potentially offensive speech, here at UNC-We’re a Bunch of Sanctimonious Liberal Hypocrites, hereafter UNCW:

Niggas and Bitches for Obama. In 2008, the Obama people set up a booth to urge people to make Obama our first half-white president. The guys at the booth were playing a lot of rap music laced with the b-word and the n-word. The problem is that there were no notices posted or emails sent. So lots of jiggers and botches were getting needlessly offended. We probably need to do something about that in the future. Jigger please!

The Hate Rock. A few years ago, one of our diversity initiatives involved writing racist words on a giant rock and then spray-painting over them as a symbol of eradicating hate. I think there should have been an email sent out on this one but not because they were spray painting the n-word and then covering it. I think there should have been an email sent warning people about the offensive waste of tax dollars. I mean, it was just so damned stupid. What’s next? Should we pay one janitor to drop trash around the campus and pay a second janitor to follow him around picking it up?

Greetings Vagina Lovers! We all know that the women who participate in The Vagina Monologues act like sex-crazed frat boys. They get up on stage during the profane play and perform a skit called “Reclaiming C*nt.” It’s a word so dirty, I c*nt even use it on Clash Daily without using an asterisks. These women say the word over and over in this skit based on the theory that repeating the insulting word will reduce its stigma and, therefore, its power to control women. It’s painful to listen to this repetitious profanity. It’s a death by a thousand cu*ts!

Fortunately, if you’re offended by the word, you can avoid hearing it by boycotting (or to avoid being sexist, girl-cotting) The Vagina Monologues. That way, you can also avoid seeing the feminists licking their candied vaginas, which they call p*ssy pops. Yea, that’s right. The feminists actually sell vagina-shaped candy at university sponsored events.

Now, again, all of this potentially offensive vagina speech would be avoidable except that the university sends out a mass email telling people about the event every year. The email always begins with the line “greetings vagina lovers.” So much for giving people advanced warning and helping them avoid offensive speech.

Naked chicks everywhere! Remember the Century Project I previously wrote about in one of my columns? If not, don’t worry. It’s easy to explain. It’s a collection of pictures of 100 naked women, the youngest being one and oldest being 100. Most of the pictures are tame. Others are more provocative and controversial. For example, one picture shows the fully developed breasts and pubic hair of one under-aged teen. Our Women’s Center once decided to post the pictures in the university library.

When I wrote about this previously, I emphasized their bad judgment in posting the pictures in the lobby right in front of some public access computers some pedophiles had previously been caught using to download child pornography. What I did not write about previously was the fact that there was no mass email sent to the entire university community warning them that there would be pictures of naked women “they may find offensive” or to avoid the library area “due to congestion” caused by pedophiles who may be lurking to see pictures of the naked children without risk of prosecution. (Author’s note: When a professor downloads pictures of naked children, it’s not called pedophilia. It’s called academic freedom).

So let’s stop for a minute and put all of this information into perspective. To do so, I suggest we play a game they’ve played for decades on the children’s program, Sesame Street. It’s called “which one of these is not like the others.” Here goes:

1. Niggas and Bitches. Well, this is clearly inoffensive speech, which is fine, especially when broadcast by Obama liberals.

2. C*nts and P*ssies. This is also inoffensive speech, provided the person using these words is a feminists or, at the very least, a vagina lover.

3. Bushes and Boobies. Well, pubic hair and fully exposed breasts can get pretty tricky. But as long as a professor is promoting it, we’ll call it academic freedom. We’ll also call it inoffensive speech.

4. Jesus and the Gospel. Well, now we’ve gone too far. This one is clearly offensive speech. In fact, it’s so offensive that students need to be protected from it. The truth is that we’re going to need to kill a lot of trees to print flyers and post notices about this one. I hope the tree-huggers aren’t needlessly offended.

On our campus, the Gospel of Jesus is not like the others. The Word of the Lord just doesn’t belong.

Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don’t Understand.