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A Kinder Gentler NFL

By Mike Adams

A friend recently suggested that the Washington Redskins should just “change their name and move on” in response the latest national PC controversy. But such a suggestion wildly mischaracterizes the nature of political correctness. Political correctness is not a gnat that one can just swat away. Political correctness is a cancer that eats everything in its path. Therefore, it requires an aggressive attack, not unlike radiation treatment.

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I truly believe that if just half the NFL teams, two in each division, would change their names to one that is more intentionally offensive we could put an end to political correctness in America overnight. Imagine a huge PC rebellion so enormous that it would deter anyone from making demands in the name of political correctness ever again. Imaging future thought police being deterred by the fear that their demands would backfire remembering the time someone picked on the Redskins and the NFL hit them with a massive all-out anti-PC safety blitz.

Of course, this isn’t likely to happen in reality. But it won’t be for a lack of effort on my part. So here are my suggestions for an NFL anti-PC name-change/rebellion:

In the NFC East, we could change the Washington Redskins to the Washington Welfare Recipients. Some have suggesting changing the word “Washington” but that’s actually the most offensive and embarrassing part of their name. So we’ll stick with my plan. We’ll also change the name of the New York Giants to the New York Midgets. We don’t make fun of short people enough – probably because we assume they also have short tempers. So this will actually help combat that stereotype. Plus, midgets have always scared the crap out of me and I’ve been meaning to start standing up to them.

In the NFC North, we could change the Chicago Bears to the Chicago Pollocks. They’ve been getting off too easy ever since CBS cancelled “All in the Family.” We could also use Pope John Paul II as a mascot and offend some Catholics in the process. The Green Bay Packers already have a name that is potentially offensive. All we have to do is move them to San Francisco and remind them of the liberal claim that offensiveness is only relative, geographically speaking.

In the NFC South, we can change the New Orleans Saints to the New Orleans Hurricanes. It might not be that offensive but it might prompt the next Democratic mayor to do his homework and learn what a hurricane actually is and why it’s best not to ride one out if your constituents live below sea level. We could also cause more southern discomfort by changing the Atlanta Falcons to the Atlanta Klansmen. It would be fun to see the Klansman clash with the mostly black Panthers twice a year. Vegas would go nuts!

In the NFC West, The San Francisco 49ers would become the 69ers, of course. The jokes here are endless. Don’t get me started! We could also change the Arizona Cardinals to the Arizona Bishops. They’ve been sucking so long they deserve a demotion. If they don’t turn it around we’ll call them to the Arizona Altar Boys instead.

In the AFC East, we’ll start calling the New England Patriots the Boston Draft Dodgers. If they don’t like it, they can flee to Canada. (See, we were right about you guys after all!). We can also change the New York Jets to the New York Jews. That way we’ll only have to change one letter. The Jews will be the cheapest name change in the league!

In the AFC North, we’ll change the Baltimore Ravens to the Baltimore Crackheads. All Ravens are black. But not all Crackheads are black. Therefore, in a strange way, we’ll be promoting racial awareness. The same reasoning compels us to change the Cleveland Browns to the Cleveland Blacks. I’ve been to Cleveland. There are way more black people than brown people there.

In the AFC South, we will change the Indianapolis Colts to the Colt 45s. I’ve always found women with guns to be attractive. And lately I’ve been finding women from Indiana to be irresistibly beautiful. Imagine these corn fed cheerleaders with holsters sewn on their outfits. Forget about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! Oh, and speaking of Texas, we could re-name the Houston Texans to make them the Houston Wetbacks. I mean, the way they’re playing, most Texans want to kick them out of the country anyway.

In the AFC West, we could move the Oakland Raiders back to L.A. and call them the Bloods with the eventual plan of moving the Rams back to L.A. and calling them the Crips. Finally, we could rename the Kansas City Chiefs the Kansas City Spearchuckers. When people accuse us of anti-black racism, we could explain we were only trying to offend the Redskins.

After launching this massive sneak attack on political correctness, maybe we could all go back to enjoying sports as a way of simply having fun and escaping from politics. We could even go back to buying tickets from a scalper. And no one would have reservations about saying what’s on his mind.


Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don’t Understand.

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