BRISTOL, CT—In an installment of the popular segment broadcast Thursday night, ESPN’s “Sport Science” attempted to investigate the natural phenomena surrounding Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s shittiness and provide conclusive explanations for why the Dallas veteran sucks so bad.
“We always want to highlight the athletes who perform on nearly superhuman levels,” “Sports Science” host John Brenkus said. “And really, nobody in sports presents a better case study of a player who spectacularly collapses under the pressure of a professional athletic stage than Tony Romo.”
The four-minute piece, which used high-tech motion sensors and accelerometers to measure the quarterback’s forced and ill-advised throws, revealed that Romo possesses the exceptional ability to fuck up in just 0.64 seconds. The segment also sought to explain the physics involved in Romo haphazardly chucking a perfect spiral directly into the hands of an opposing cornerback.
“We observed Romo missing 98 percent of our targets,” Brenkus said. “While studying the footage, we were able to determine that his capacity to make poor decisions in less than a second greatly influence why he’s so imprecise.”
“There’s not a quarterback in the NFL who can make a mistake as quickly as Romo,” Brenkus added.
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