Guyism – Bars are a lot like church – there are priests (bartenders) who deliver holy sacraments (beer) and eventually some old drunk is going to try to touch your butt. But like most churches, bars have a tendency to be ruined by the people who worship within them. These are the people nobody likes, the ones who turn a fun night out into something more akin to a test of will. And in order to better equip you to survive that test, we thought you’d bring you this handy guide. It will let you know exactly what to watch for so that you don’t get stuck dealing with one of these 11 people at the bar that everyone hates.
The Loudest Man in the World
What You’ll See: An overgrown manchild who doesn’t understand the concept of volume control. He has an opinion about everything and will end up being the center of attention – whether you like it or not.
What You’ll Hear: “Let me tell this story again, I don’t think the dudes in the bathroom heard me. Oh, and get me another beer. Did you hear me? YO, BARTENDER!”
Why We Hate Him: He ends up drowning everything – and everyone – else out, you have to hear his shitty stories and horrible jokes, and the more he drinks, the louder he gets until finally he’s just shouting at everyone in the bar, who just have to sit there and uncomfortably take it or risk him going all Hulk, Smash on everyone.
The Alpha Asshole
What You’ll See: This is a hybrid of both the loud guy and the cheapskate. He’ll hover, half drunk and vaguely menacing, bullying anyone and everyone to buy him a beer or dance or whatever the hell he wants to do.
What You’ll Hear: “C’mon, just buy me a beer. You’d do it if you were a real friend. Yeah, I know we just met, but so what, don’t be an asshole. Look, I can be an asshole too, but I’m trying to be cool. Just buy me a beer.”
Why We Hate Him: This guy’s a dick. He goes through life getting his way because he just wears people out. He’s almost a sociopath. He feels no guilt, and will do whatever it takes to get his way. He’ll be your best friend or he’ll be your worst enemy. Whatever it takes.
Sloppy Jill
What You’ll See: Basically the same as the Sloppy Joe, only more dramatic, and accompanied by crying – both hers and her friends, who will somehow act like it’s the fault of everyone else in the bar that their friend can’t handle her shit.
What You’ll Hear: “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Oh my god, that guy just laughed at me.” “Were you laughing at our friend? Asshole…”, crying, more crying, dramatic declarations that make the whole thing seem as serious as the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Why We Hate Her: This one doesn’t even get the chance to be amusing because it’s just so irritating. And worse, there’s a good chance that you’ll end up taking heat for it even though you’re just an innocent bystander. It’s like a malfunctioning nuclear weapon. The nearest safe-zone is miles away, and even then you’ll probably just die from the fallout.
The Judge
What You’ll See: A snob who spends all night critiquing everyone else’s drinks, usually passive-aggressively.
What You’ll Hear: “Ooh, are you sure you want to go with that? Why don’t you try the ’87 Fartsniffer? It has a hint of oaky flavor, which is offset ever so slightly by the ground up pineal gland of an inbred hamster. Now, this gives it a certain sweetness, which…”
Why We Hate Him: Look, man, we just want to relax with a nice simple beer. We’re not looking for a religious experience. We just want to get drunk, and while you might turn your nose up at watery beer, guess what? That just makes it easier to down so we can get to the next one. Coors Light all day, son.
