Sneaky: The New Talking Points About Gun Control

Written by Rob Morse on January 31, 2014

I’d like to thank my friends at the NSA for this text intercept and their sense of humor. Note that the gun grabbers will try to steal your words before they try to steal your guns.
Dear Congressman, I had a thought after your wonderful party in Georgetown. Let’s not debate gun confiscation any longer. Gun confiscation sounds so drastic and totalitarian.  It brings images of shattered doors and the midnight terror of helmet wearing SWAT cops.  It sounds so.. so harsh. Let’s promote something that sounds nicer.

Dear Mrs. Rich, thank you for your suggestion and I take your point. We can discuss confiscating lethal weapons held by criminals.  We’ll call them weapons.  Even the word “weapons” sound meaner than firearms or guns.  My grandpa’s shotgun is a gun, and grandpa was a wonderful man and certainly not a criminal. Only a right wing extremist would object to taking weapons from criminals. Thank you again for your suggestion and your generous donation.
Got it, Congressman.  We have our new talking point. We can propose weapons seizure!

Hmm. I don’t think seizure is quite right either. Can we call it Assault Weapons Seizure? Will that satisfy your other donors, Congressman? Is there a chance we’ll see you the next time you’re back home visiting your district?

Dear Mrs. Rich, I like your suggestion. Seizure IS still a little harsh. We can describe the new regulations as helping remove assault weapons from our inner city streets. That sounds as harmless as picking up a rusty old nail from the sidewalk.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back home. I promised my wife a fact-finding trip to Europe for the holidays.

I’m sorry, Congressman. I’m not sure my group can sell removing assault weapons to our donors club since we don’t actually find any assault weapons on our city streets. We’ll say that the seizures will simply make our city streets safer and then dare the civil-rights advocates to prove they don’t. Better yet, we can describe your new legislation as common sense gun control. Is control still too dictatorial sounding?

It was wonderful having your daughter intern at my husband’s firm. Will she be back next year?

Dear Mrs. Rich, how about guns safety legislation? We can have gun safety legislation to remove dangerous assault weapons in order to make our streets safer!
I’ll ask my daughter what her plans are for next semester.

Dear Congressman, I’m afraid we’ve gone too far too fast. I’m hearing some pushback from the local newspaper since many of the voters in our district already feel over-controlled and over legislated. The poor folks can’t step foot from their homes without breaking one of our laws already. Perhaps we can get a think-tank to promote common sense gun reform measures. I’ve found a donor who will buy a few professors at the local university. It is a start.

I asked my husband if we could buy the local newspaper, but he said we owned several already. I’ll look at getting on their board of directors.

Thank you, Mrs. Rich. The media will eat up those “scholarly reports”. I’ll plant them in my next press release, too. Who do we want to write these reports, us, the academics, or your donor? I’ll send you the key points the next time I’m in town. Let’s add “sensible ammunition restrictions” to your “common sense gun reform measures”.

By the way, what security service do you use when you’re in town? My wife says the people from the federal protective service frown too much.

Good news, Congressman! Our donors met with the university faculty last week! What do you think about writing some legislation for an annual weapons licensing review? I think I can get a local party chairman to support your legislation if we promise him a seat on the weapons licensing review committee when he retires next year.

I saw your pictures from Europe. I’ll call your wife and ask her where she got her work done. Tell her she looks fantastic!

Dear Mrs. Rich. I discussed it with my staff and they pointed out a downside risk. A weapons review committee might actually have to write and review standards. Those standards could come back to haunt me in the next election. Will your local politician settle for a seat on a weapons safety study committee? How I miss those days of simple kickbacks. Now everyone wants a taxpayer funded seat at the table.

Great idea, Congressman. My local committeeman loves the idea of writing up an annual weapons safety report bashing the gun manufacturers and gun owners based on what the drug dealers and crazies do. This guy’s ego is huge, so if you promote his report, he might write our reports for free.

Let’s go easy on the local firearms distributors at first since they watch us pretty closely. Next year we’ll introduce more reporting requirements to get rid of the low volume gun sellers. Then the big dealers will fall in line. Who should write up the model legislation, your law firm, our firm, or some of the clever young men on your DC staff?

I hope you enjoyed your trip to Europe. Our local reporters took the trip report I sent them so your trip to Europe looks great in the local press.

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