SINGLE LADIES: Seven Signs That You’re Dating a Douche

Written by Doug Giles on February 19, 2014

The old adage says that love is blind and that marriage is an eye opener. Dad, have your girls tuck these things into her psyche (and into her bra) as helpful hints to avoid dating a dilatory dillweed and potentially marrying the man from hell. Ladies, you owe me for this one.

1.  Does he expect you to get plastic surgery? Y’know, keeping one’s self attractive for each other is one thing. Having a boyfriend suggest that you go under anesthesia and a flippin’ scalpel because he prefers certain types of breasts, lips, nose or hips is quite another.

Girls, if that is what your man is hinting or outright demanding that you do, then you, my friend, have a moron in your midst and your bullshit detector should be shattering your ear drum about now. Look, if I were a girl I wouldn’t stick sacks of boat chalk (silicone) into my chest for anyone. If you wish to do it for whatever reason, so be it. But do not, under any circumstance, go under the knife for some tripod hooked on porn that’s trying to get you to carve up your carcass in order to look like spankmeister’s favorite online lady.

However, before you tell him to get lost, have some fun with him and tell him you’d prefer him to get some lipo, remove his third nipple, trim his Adam’s apple a tad, get some micro mini grafts and a penis implant. See how the me-monkey likes having the guns turned on his challenged areas.

2.  Does he hang out with horndogs? If he’s hanging out with guys who hate their wives, who love to indulge in the superfluity of naughtiness and who are out to convert the faithful to the Cult of Infidelity, that’s a bad sign—if you like fidelity, that is. Be not deceived: His bad company will land him in a strip club or an illicit affair, and you’ll end up crying on your pillow and stabbing his photograph.

3.  Does he have a frickin’ job? Ladies, you don’t want a guy who does not work his butt off. I know feminism has sold you on being the breadwinner, but trust me, the “I’m in love” buzz will soon wear off the longer your boyfriend stays unemployed. Sure it will seem okay for a couple of months as he is “finding himself,” but after a year of you bringing home the drachmas while he masturbates and watches YouTube all day . . . well, trust me, that will get real, real, real, real old. Also, not only should he get a job, but he should be aggressively making certain that he is constantly excelling at what he does and thereby securing for himself some serious flow.

4.  Does your boy toy lead? I know, I know, metrosexual devilish misandry has taught men to be the little princesses; however, God would like men to rise up and play the Spartan in the spiritual, physical and financial well-being of a relationship.

If he shoves everything off onto you, the girlfriend, you got yourself a Twinkie. And no girl worth her salt wants a Twinkie. Tell him to pull his head out from his buttocks, shake the irresponsibility from his soul, reject passivity and now go be a courageous leader. If he does this consistently for the next, oh . . . let’s say, ten years, then you can think about once again dating the dandy.

5.  Does he fart at the dinner table? Girls what did Aretha Franklin teach you? What did she tell you through song? R-E-S-P-E-C-T that’s what. If you don’t, he won’t. Remember, I warned you.

6.  Does he still speak to his old girlfriends? Do you really need me to explain this one further unto you?

7. Do we really need a number 7?

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