Elizabeth Warren wants to be President. Let’s just be honest about it. She’d love to hop over Hillary and be the first woman POTUS! With Hillary tanking lately, Run Liz Run is getting some traction. Lizzy got some more attention as she provided her 11 Tenets for Progressivism…just in case people wondered where she stood on the issues that matter most to liberals. It could have been titled…why you should pick me over Hillary, but oh well, 11 Tenets for Progressivism will work, I guess.
My favorite thing about Little Miss Warren is the fact that she is a Native American…oh yes, she is…despite pasty white skin and German appearance…well maybe…sorta kinda on my mom’s side way back. She claimed to be part Cherokee and stated boldly right on CNN –“You know, I’m proud of my Native American heritage.”– That’s cool right…until it was discovered that she ah…kinda made that up to claim minority status to get into college. She lied…Indians Died.
To make it worse it turns out her Great-Great-Great-Grandpa Crawford actually helped round up thousands of Cherokee in North Carolina, Tennessee, and Georgia to get them to the staging point for the Trail of Tears. Good times.
I think Ms. Warren would make a great president…she can be the first Native American, the way Bill Clinton was the first black president. Looks like they both have the gift of stretching the truth like a hot yoga master contortionist! To honor both Ms. Warren’s creativity in genealogy and her love of progressivism, a list of possible Indian names to match her zeal has been created.
She won’t get to enjoy these in Washington, DC though…you know…home of the evil REDSKINS football team!
The 11 Tenets of Progressivism and the True Indian Name
1. We believe Wall Street needs stronger rules and tougher enforcement.
Dancing Bear Claw…because she is not bullish on other people making money. However, she is sick rich!
2. We believe in science and we must protect the earth.
Sacasheeta…because global warming is a total farce and debunked by real scientists but
lefties like Liz won’t let go of it.
3. We believe the internet shouldn’t be rigged to benefit rich guys.
Gore in the Cloud…because Al Gore invented it…both the internet and the cloud. Everybody knows that.
4. We believe no one should work full time and still be poor.
Lazy Liz-Dog…because socialism is awesome!
5. We believe fast food workers should picket and we’ll help.
Cray Cray Cook in Fat…because…you know why.
6. We believe students are entitled to a great education free.
Free Words…because all little papooses are entitled to a good indoctrination at no charge.
7. We believe in paying for old people.
Heavy Gray Beard…because taking care of old people is expensive. Wasn’t Obamacare supposed to get rid of a few million of them. #DeathPanels
8. We believe in equal pay for equal work.
Commie Bull Pucky…because doesn’t she know that nothing in life is equal and nothing is fair. Get over it, you can’t legislate human nature.
9. We believe equal means equal in all weird fringe things.
Slippery Slope One Eyed Mountain Goat…because forcing the fringe of society on the majority will eventually bite you in the rear end. It’s coming…get ready.
10 We believe in immigrants.
Steals a Horse…because immigrants are great, but that’s not what she wants. She wants illegal lawbreakers to be assimilated into our melting pot with all their disease, deceit, and felonies.
11 We believe corporations are not people and women own their bodies.
Swift Hoof to Butt…because progressives are still pissed that they got their Hobby Lobby butts kicked and now have to buy three kinds of birth control to kill their babies with their own darn money! Let me call a Waaaambulance!
Run Liz Run…that slogan is kinda racist if sweet Lizzy is a Native American. Doesn’t that imply the torture method Indians used on their enemies known as running the gauntlet? We can do better Liz.
Mz. Warren does need her own Indian name as well. How about Chief Lying Cloud or Dances With Lies or the best one…Whiny White Librarian Looking Lady Speaks with Forked Tongue About Being an Indian to Try to Score Points and Get Elected!
Insert Applause here.
Okay, the last one might be a little long but it does sum Senator Lizzy the Liar up nicely. End this enlightening use of your time by listening to the Liz Warren theme song made by her loving supporters…Run Liz Run.
If that song made you sick to your stomach try this one instead. I’m an Indian Outlaw! Please let Liz run…this could be fun.
No Native Americans were injured in the writing of this piece.