By Tim Young
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
Hey, have you ever heard of this thing called the Internet?
Apparently it’s this newfangled technology where people can hack into your computers and take your information, which might even include those nude pictures you took of yourself. I tell you that, because there seem to be a large group of celebrities who don’t have a basic grasp of what the Internet is, how it works, and that there are people out there that are just waiting for the moment to pounce on private information, just like what happened this weekend.
So as a practical guide for our Hollywood friends, and you sinners… you know who you are… sitting around at home taking naked selfies…. Here’s what you do when you get hacked and your junk (literally and figuratively speaking) gets transmitted to the world.
Step 1 – Go back in time and tell yourself that taking naked pictures of yourself is a terrible idea. If you need more details on where and when not to take the pictures, just re-read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss, but replace the line “I will not eat Green Eggs and Ham,” with “I will not take pictures of my junk.” I know it doesn’t rhyme with “Sam I am,” but I never claimed to be a poet.
Step 2 – Avoid Personal Responsibility at ALL COSTS. It’s not your fault that you took a picture of yourself spread eagle on your couch. You didn’t know that you were going to win an Academy Award and be a teenage superhero in movies. So blame everyone that isn’t named you for what happened. Internet Nerds, your mom, your dad, your cable company, your cell phone carried, your friends… everyone and anyone…. Because it certainly can’t be your fault that you took nude pictures of yourself because you’re a skank.
Step 3 – Lie. I learned this from Hollywood. First you should say that it isn’t you… even if it’s your face in the pictures and the mole just above and to the right of your left breast’s nipple matches the same mole in all the pictures of you clothed. Just lie and say it’s not you.
Step 4 – Threaten to sue everyone… and I mean everyone. Remember the list from Step 2? Threaten to sue them all….6 or 7 times. Leave no stone unturned.
Step 5 – Contact the FBI. It’s important to note how quickly the FBI will investigate the leaks of your naked pictures that you took because you’re a very important Hollywood Celebrity. Wait? You aren’t a very important Hollywood Celebrity? Well, best of luck getting someone to listen.
On a serious note, I want you to follow the bouncing ball here: On Jun 16 2013 Apple released a statement that said, “We do not provide any government agency with direct access to our servers, and any government agency requesting customer content must get a court order.”
Well, guess what everyone is claiming just conveniently got hacked and is now being investigated by the FBI? Those servers. I’m no conspiracy theorist… but that’s pretty convenient isn’t it?
Step 6 – Claim to have been underage when you took the photos, even if you weren’t. If you claim that you were under 18 when you took the photos, then it’s child pornography and everyone who saw the photos will be scared to death knowing they’ve seen them. That plan DEFINITELY works, right Olympic Athlete McKayla Maroney?
Good thing the Feds won’t charge you with distribution of child pornography if you’re the child who took the pic and sent it to someone…. Oh wait they will… but that’s ok, you’re a famous Olympian… I’m sure everyone will overlook your lies…
Step 7 – Go on talk shows and cry about how terrible your millionaire Hollywood lifestyle is because you were a skank who took naked digital pictures of yourself and stored them in something accessible. (That’s coming next, FYI)
FBI and Government Intrusiveness aside: We can all learn 3 new things from these leaks.
1 – There are a lot of stupid, lying, filthy sluts in Hollywood…
2 – Gay men and straight women must not be good at computer stuff because all of the pics that were leaked are women.
3 – If you’re an obscure, struggling actress, the best way to gain more fame in Hollywood is to intentionally leak photos/video of yourself when other more famous celebrity nudes leak.
So basically, we didn’t learn anything new at all.
Known as the Republican Jon Stewart and the Young Rush Limbaugh, Young has been a guest on Fox News Channel’s ‘Red Eye,’ Huffington Post Live, RT’s The Alyona Show and dozens of syndicated radio shows.
A respected journalist and pundit, sharing his opinion on politics to millions of people every month. His writing has been featured on the cover of HuffingtonPost.com, Washingtonian Magazine, Patch.com, Voice of Baltimore and other major publications. In 2011, he was Young Member Chair of the National Press Club, representing all media under the age of 35.