Administration Desperately Courting George Zimmerman To Replace Floundering Lesbian Secret Service Director

Written by Donald Joy on October 1, 2014

The following is only partly satire; the rest is pure fact.  Being able to discern which is which disqualifies the reader from government employment or contracting.

As the old saying goes, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”

With the glaring klieg lights of harsh congressional scrutiny being thrown onto several grave and alarming security lapses around the President and First Family, a humiliated and confused Obama administration is urgently in need of expert help.  So much so, in fact, that they’re now awkwardly reaching out to someone whose skill at detecting suspicious perimeter intrusion at a gated complex (not to mention thwarting attempted murder) had previously made him one of their top political enemies, and even got him targeted by team Obama for personal destruction and imprisonment last year.

Now, disenchanted with his disastrous affirmative-action pick to head the U.S. Secret Service, Julia Pierson, administration officials up to and including Barack Obama himself are suddenly looking beyond the failed butch bureaucrat; even beyond career government slugs entirely, and are eagerly trying to recruit an understandably now aloof and elusive former neighborhood watch captain–none other than George Zimmerman–to step in and lead the way out of the disastrous morass of bungled protective operations at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Zimmerman has been letting the non-stop phone calls from the White House just go straight to voicemail, and thus far has not returned a single one.

When I reached Zimmerman (thanks to my having cultivated invaluable back-channel relationships in the white hispanic underground sub-culture) for comment on the matter, his first remark was “I don’t know exactly how they even got my cell number.  But we are talking about the Obama administration, so it’s not all that much of a surprise that they did, really…except that to try to throw my enemies off, I got the phone under the name Chaz Bono….”

The Secret Service failures turn out to be a lot worse than we knew previously.  It all goes far beyond the unvetted fake sign-language African guy at the Nelson Mandela funeral last December.  Thanks to a shocking series of uncharacteristically thorough and probing reports from mainstream media sources, we have learned of multiple security breaches and violations of equal or even more egregious nature than the recent vaulting of the White House fence and subsequent penetration deep into the actual interior of the building by a crazed Iraq war veteran who had a knife on his person, and hundreds of rounds of ammunition and edged weapons nearby in his car.

Besides Omar Gonzalez‘ having overpowered an apparently oblivious Secret Service guard just inside the White House front door, we have now learned that he made it all the way into the East Room–much further than had been reported in the days immediately after it happened.  He was finally tackled and apprehended by two off-duty Secret Service agents who just happened to be hanging around the residence.

Added to this revelation of incompetence, the full extent of other serious incidents, previously obscured, are now coming to light.

It turns out that back in 2011, not only did a guy named Oscar Ortega-Hernandez (I know, I know, the names look much the same, eh) fire multiple rounds from a semi-automatic rifle into the White House residence level while one of the president’s daughters was inside, but the way the Secret Service utterly failed to detect or react to the incident at the time has added to the disgrace and embarrassment brought upon the beleaguered agency when its current director, Pierson, testified about the failures on Capitol Hill yesterday.  In that incident, not only did Secret Service supervisors at the time insist that Ortega-Hernandez’ numerous gunshots (as many as eleven) were most likely just a car or truck repeatedly backfiring, they ordered their uniformed subordinates, who said otherwise, to stand down.  Then they failed to properly search, or find the multiple bullet holes and bullets/fragments which had penetrated the residence–a maid who was cleaning the quarters discovered them several days later.

Then there was the incident which astonished even yours truly, a seasoned veteran of riding shotgun on Air Force One as a USAF security specialist in the late 1980s, of the protective detail for the Attorney General of the United States when Al Qaeda had him marked for assassination, and of various other protective assignments over my 33-year career:  During a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta just two weeks ago, a man with a violent criminal past, armed with a concealed pistol, was somehow allowed to ride in an elevator with president Obama.  Obviously, this was in violation of just about every presidential security protocol existing.  The man had been working, apparently unvetted, as a security contractor at the CDC, despite three prior convictions for assault and battery.  Secret Service agents only found out about his criminal record (and later, that he was actually armed) after they first told him to stop using his cell phone to record video of Obama during the elevator ride, and he refused.  Then, when they detained him, and finally ran a background check on him, both they and his employer had a lot worse than mere egg on their faces.  The agents didn’t even realize that the man was armed until he agreed to turn his weapon over to his company supervisor upon being fired on the spot.

Secret Service director Pierson’s pained, fumbling, formal, and stiff answers to lawmakers yesterday painted her as just another mostly mindless government official, the kind which normally does very well, politically, in rising up through the ranks of large bureaucracies, but who cannot actually think their way past regulations, policies, and lines of command to actually solve problems or create anything other than what pleases their organizational masters in reinforcing the status quo.

George Zimmerman, on the other hand, as we know, is not only very vigilant, he thinks for himself, and follows more than just a dispatcher’s suggestions, he….well, you get the idea.  Apparently, so does the Obama administration, at this point.

I was able to confer with a key administration official, who insisted on remaining anonymous, but who did nonetheless make some offhand comments about the targeted recruiting push for the new Secret Service director candidate:  “Zimmerman has that hispanic thing going on, which we think would be a plus, seeing as these White House intruders and shooters keep coming at us with names like Gonzalez and Ortega-Hernandez…maybe George can help us with, like, diversity outreach to hispanics or something so they won’t keep attacking the White House–wait, crap,  our official policy is that any kind of profiling is absolutely forbidden when it comes to national security, so don’t quote me on that!  Dammit.”

I asked the unnamed official if they’d considered anyone else besides Zimmerman for the job, and he was abrupt about it:  “Look, Darren Wilson is too radioactive at this point, and there’s some question about his vision, what with the reports of the orbital eye-socket fracture and whatnot.  Richard Jewell, rest his soul, died back in 2007, so he’s out–and besides, we’re really trying not to hire or promote any white males at all in the federal government, where we can avoid it.  Zimmerman is just the ticket, we think, especially since he looks just like Chaz Bono.  Not to mention with Eric Holder on the way out.  We’re going out of our minds with all this heat and controversy coming down on us, so we have to act, and act fast.  If George can see past what we did to him and tried to do to him last year, let bygones be bygones, maybe we can work something out.”

All that having been said, I’ll wager an aside here that in the final analysis–despite her team’s abject dereliction in adhering to formal policies and procedures–Pierson and her underlings will probably keep their jobs.  After all, we are talking about the federal government here.

For that matter, along with Pierson as Secret Service director, Obama has appointed the first women to lead federal law enforcement agencies such as the U.S. Marshals Service and the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration. Furthermore, the fashionable fetish which has been trending, as a social experiment from even before the Obama era, is to get rid of white men in leadership positions in favor of anyone who is not white, male, Christian, heterosexual–you know the drill.  This is especially noticeable in law enforcement, for reasons which should be obvious.  George W. Bush appointed the first female (and completely unqualified) chief of Immigration and Customs Enforcement.  Women now head up the FBI’s Washington Field Office, the Washington, D.C. Metropolitan Police Department, the Amtrak Police Department, and until recently, the U.S. Park Police.

Would diversity Obama actually dare ditch the first female director of the Secret Service, regardless of how badly her agency performs?  Our answer may actually be found in the virtually identical likelihood of whether our elected representatives would dare get rid of the first black president, regardless of how obvious and outrageous his crimes and how awful his performance.

George, if you’re reading this, go ahead and answer your phone before the desperation wears off and Obama changes his mind (those legal bills aren’t going to pay themselves).  For right now, he’s more worried about crazy guys with z’s in their names shooting at his actual daughters than what you were forced to do to his “son.”

Following his service in the United State Air Force, Donald Joy earned a bachelor of science in business administration from SUNY while serving in the army national guard. As a special deputy U.S. marshal, Don was on the protection detail for Attorney General John Ashcroft following the attacks of 9/11. He lives in the D.C. suburbs of Northern Virginia with his wife and son.