Paging the ACLU: A Florida man has been accused of a crime simply because of “who he loves” (and because he was yanking the Ccrank in public)
Sean Johnson, 19, got arrested on October 14, 2014 after an, shall we say, incident at a Brooksville, Florida, Walmart. The Smoking Gun reports that he:
“selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department.” He then went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, “proceeded to pull out his genitals,” and “proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements.” The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras.
After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”
Whoa! “Talk about your clean up on aisle three!” Mr. Johnson, you sure like to do interesting things with your …well, you know …fill in the blank.
Reading this story I guess you can see why geniuses like Chris Matthews constantly remind us that we should look to millennials for guidance on important public policy issues like so-called same sex marriage.
Speaking of the new, modern definition of marriage that is all the rage in the federal courts, could Florida authorities be acting in haste by arresting this young man? Aren’t they being a tad judgmental? Yes, his choice of partner with whom to experience sexual ecstasy is unconventional, and I can’t disagree that he should have saved the $1500 bond and spent the money instead on a nice romantic getaway with his little stuffed honey where they could make love in private.
Still, I can’t abide injustice, so I offer, at no charge, some suggestions for Mr. Johnson’s defense counsel:
Suggest that the authorities are persecuting their client for his sexual preference and whom he loves. The police did not realize that the Horsey is actually male, and therefore, Mr. Johnson is this generation’s plaintiff in the next Lawrence v. Texas civil rights’ lawsuit.
Express outrage about the authorities’ obvious bigotry about not only Mr. Johnson’s sexual orientation, but also the fact that his horsey sweetheart is obviously of mixed race (“brown, tan and red”). Would they have reacted with such anger and hate if the stuffed horse had been white? I think not!
Remind authorities of where this incident occurred. At Walmart. That’s right, Walmart, the notorious, evil exploiter of its workforce, where executives make a gazillion times more per hour than the average employee earns. By engaging in this conduct in one of their stores, Mr. Johnson was striking a blow against income inequality and for workers’ rights. A stroke of genius! (Well, that might be a poor choice of words, but you get the idea.) Given Walmart’s record, they should consider themselves lucky that Mr. Johnson didn’t liberate all the stuffed animals and then burn the place down!
Offer a plea bargain deal: prosecutors drop the charges when Mr. Johnson pays for the damaged property and applies for a marriage license for him and his blushing bronco bride. Of course, the county clerk will almost certainly refuse to issue the license on the grounds that a man cannot marry a stuffed horse. Such was the sort of backward thinking that led to the U.S. Supreme Court allowing a Hennepin County, Minnesota county clerk to deny a marriage license to two men back in the Dark Ages (Baker v. Nelson, 1972).
We’ve come a long way since then, though, so if Mr. Johnson and Horsey can just find the right federal judge, they can advance the cause of civil rights to the next level because no one should have to feel judged or diminished because of who (or what) they love.
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