Prior to rioting, looting and pillaging and taking off a week to trash the place in which you live and risk being tear gassed, shot and/or run over by Barney Fife’s new army tank, ask yourself these nine diagnostic questions …
1. Has the man I want to champion been exposed on CCV stealing Swisher Sweet cigars by the armload from a convenience store?
2. Did this self-same man violently grab, shove and intimidate a tiny little store clerk?
3. Did the man I’m supporting flip off the camera a lot via Twitter?
4. Did the man I am ready to go to bat for make gang-signs quite often as he sat for photographic portraits taken by his friends? Oh, and don’t forget, do due diligence to ascertain whether or not he also had rap songs out in which he praises murder, drug use and screwing ho’s.
5. Also, before you go out on a limb in a revolution, try to be certain that the person you’re willing to go to jail for didn’t climb into a cop’s car and then punch him in the face.
6. Similarly, make sure your champion didn’t try to take the police officer’s firearm before you paint him as a damsel in distress.
7. Further, before you hinge your freedom on a deceased person, be careful to make sure that the witness you’re banking on wasn’t a part of a robbery that could implicate him and thus cause him to … uh … embellish his story.
8. And finally, ask yourself: “Self, how will your stealing seven bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 bring about justice?”
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