Well, once again, I left it to the last minute to get gifts for people outside my immediate family, but I think I have a few things left in the present closet that are appropriate for the gaggle of famous people who don’t know me but have consumed an inordinate amount of my time and attention in 2015.
So I’m feverishly wrapping up and putting bows on all of this, for all of these, in alphabetical order (because I am incredibly OCD):
Barack Obama: A fence around Hawaii, and permission to stay there until at least 2017.
Bernie Sanders: A Gift Card to Great Clips.
Bobby Jindal: The Brady Bunch boxed set (Jindal was called “Bobby” after Bobby Brady.)
Carly Fiorina: Dibs on the Vice-Presidential nomination, to be opened in six months or so.
Chris Christie: A complete set of Sopranos DVDs, autographed by Bruce Springsteen.
Donald Trump: Because bravado is not the same thing as courage, The Wizard of Oz special: a heart, a brain, and courage.
Ben Carson: 5-Hour Energy. Just one bottle. That’s all he’s going to need.
George Pataki: The complete Friends box set—because it is about his beloved New York, and because it is long enough to distract him out of appearing in any more debates.
Hillary Clinton: permission to stay home and be a grandmother.
Jeb! Permission to stay home and be a grandmother.
Jim Gilmore: Someone to play him on Saturday Night Live, so America will find out he exists.
Jim Webb: The Time-Life DVD series on World War II.
John Boehner: A long-term gig on a daytime soap opera, where he can weep to his heart’s content.
John Kasich: A King James Bible, annotated by Thomas Sowell.
Lincoln Chaffee: A tearful reunion with his long-lost son, Steve Doocy..
Lindsay Graham: A coin-operated replica of the B-52 bomber from Dr. Strangelove, so he can pretend to drop all the bombs on all the countries.
Marco Rubio: A DVD of that great American story of an immigrant who came from nothing to wield great power—The Godfather, Part II.
Martin O’Malley: A hunting vest, so the voters can actually see him.
Mike Huckabee: A 9-o’clock Saturday show on Fox News Channel.
Mitt Romney: A Do-Over.
Paul Ryan: A honeymoon period.
Rand Paul: An autographed copy of Atlas Shrugged, with the big speech highlighted so that he can present it on the floor of the Senate the next time he filibusters (with the receipt, in case he already owns this).
Rick Perry: A third-rate basketball team, to go with his presidential campaign logo.
Rick Santorum: A venture capitalist to sink millions of dollars….into his film company.
Ron Paul: An advisory position on the “Audit the Fed” Committee.
Scott Walker: the domain name “Walker2020.com” so he can start planning now to build a half-decent campaign website.
Ted Cruz: a Ted Nugent box set.
Vladimir Putin: Because all the stores are closed, and I can’t get him what he really wants—the Ukraine—Putin will have to settle for an autographed picture of his hero, Donald Trump. But I’ll make sure it’s yuuge.