In the coming year, none of the GOP presidential candidates—except for one—will capture the party’s nomination. However, they will have to find something to do, and some of them deserve more than a mere descent into obscurity, ended by that obituary that we see and think, “Wait, what? They were still alive?”
With that in mind, I hereby offer my entirely unwanted (and only half-joking) advice for the New Year for each of those who ventured into the arena in 2015 and offered themselves up for the proctology exam we call a political campaign (except for Trump, who was excused by a doctor’s note claiming he didn’t need one, because his internals were “terrific,” “outstanding,” and “scandal-free.”)
First, let’s get this out of the way. Carly Fiorina should be slated as Vice-President, no matter who gets the GOP nomination. She has paid her dues, she is the attack dog all Vice Presidents are supposed to be, she is a very good debater, and she is astronomically smarter than the current occupant of the office, who we are now almost certain actually puts “impeachment/assassination insurance” on the “occupation” line of his tax returns.
Lindsay Graham, Marco Rubio, and Rand Paul should return to the Senate as soon as possible. Rubio should work on his attendance record, and Graham should focus his attention in the only place he is of any use whatsoever—all those committees he’s on which involve yelling at Administration flacks about how dangerous the world will be if we don’t invade all the countries. Rand Paul should get re-elected, then engineer a coup to overthrow Mitch McConnell and—no, scratch that. Senate conservatives, if they are anything like House conservatives, would probably just use some quirk of the Senate rules to accidentally make Harry Reid the Senate Majority Leader again. Rand Paul should just stay there, holding down the conservatarian fort.
Jim Gilmore, as of this writing, is still inexplicably running for president, despite being basically invisible since he entered the race. Perry, Walker, Jindal, Graham, and Pataki—despite having actually been on debate stages where people could see them, and at some point earning at least one percent in the polls–have all dropped out. Whenever whoever is advising Gilmore is found and can get a meeting with him, the candidate should drop out of the presidential race and find something that might improve his visibility—like the Witness Protection Program.
Christie, Huckabee, Jindal, Perry, Kasich, Pataki, Bush and Walker have two good options. They can either star in a Netflix show about a half-way house for ex-governors where they learn how to transition back into regular life, where they have to drive themselves and buy their own groceries and do other “normal” things. Maybe call it Omega House. Or they can all get together and start a company that trains people how to run for and win the office of governor—but not the office of President.
If they can’t all get along to do something together, Bush should move to Mexico to show how much he loves the country and its people. Scott Walker should return to Wisconsin and utterly obliterate the union movement there, demolish the buildings it used to meet in, and salt the earth so that it never rises again. Then he should go to New Jersey and help Chris Christie train like a prize fighter to do the same thing there. Huckabee should become a television evangelist, and Rick Perry should get it over with and go to seminary so that he can be one, too. You know he wants to—and he’d be good at it. Jindal should finish being governor of Louisiana and then run for Senate, or maybe go to law school and become a judge so he can complete the trifecta—a legislator, an executive and a member of the judiciary. It’s like the political version of an EGOT (when a performer has won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony).
Pataki should probably just retire.
Rick Santorum should keep making Christian movies like The Christmas Candle. Other good options would be The Christmas Bell and The Christmas Book. Eventually he could branch out, with holiday-themed films aimed at Christian women, such as The Easter Candle, Mary Kay’s Good Friday, and The Pentecost Pampered Chef Party.
Ben Carson could be an excellent Secretary of Health and Human Services or Surgeon General—except no one is really quite sure what the Surgeon General does. We do know it doesn’t involve either armies or actually performing surgery (which might make it kind of boring for him). However, if we need someone to do a job we have no clear vision for, Ben Carson might be just the man for it.
Trump should tire of hurling insults, making nonsensical speeches, waving his arms around, and making unending telephone calls to news organizations sometime around the collective Southern state primary. Then he can return his attention to his business interests and spend the rest of his life trying to repair the damage he’s done to his relationships with Macy’s, Univision, NBC, the disabled, Iowans, China, the United Kingdom, Cuban evangelicals, …
Ted Cruz should become the Republican nominee and leave Hillary Clinton whimpering in the corner on several debate stages before winning the presidency.
And the rest of us should all live happily ever after.
Happy New Year!