10 STEPS for How To Be an @sshole Online

Written by Wes Walker on May 9, 2016

There is the ordinary garden-variety dope, and then there is the unbearable fool.

If you know someone who is right on the cusp of greatness in this category, and just needs a little help to realize their true potential, the Internet is a fantastic tool for making that leap.

Here are a few tips on how the Internet can help you develop into that most odious version of yourself.

1. Make everything about you. Never let any occasion pass where someone else might be praised, or have the most interesting story, or or a personal struggle, or any unique experience at all. Whenever the conversation veers to someone or something besides you, be sure to jump in with “That reminds me of the time when I …”

2. Sweat the small stuff. If someone is having a productive discussion to which you can add nothing, be sure to interrupt the flow of conversation by correcting grammar, syntax or inconsequential details about a point raised by someone.

3. Make everything about race. [Bonus points for applying the same strategy to sexual politics.] There are two common approaches.

If you are an ethnic minority, make some noise. The establishment has wronged you, let the whole world know. Make people a different color than you feel guilty. Go on long-winded rants about White Privilege and #BLM (or some equivalent).

If you are not a racial minority, use ethnic slurs wildly and often. Write off entire ethnic groups as less intelligent, less capable, and generally inferior to you. Refuse to acknowledge that ideas or culture are more likely responsible for the traits you criticize. Refuse to acknowledge anyone from said ethnic minority more intelligent, hardworking, educated or accomplished than yourself.

4. Leave the same comment in every blog post. Have one scripted answer that gives your comprehensive view of why everyone except you is “missing the big picture” on some political, social, religious (or irreligious) issue.

5. TL; DR (Too long; didn’t read) — Answer one person’s short statement with endless blocks of text, or 10-15 short posts rebutting every possible error in their argument.

6. Pick fights and walk away. Drop into a conversation that has nothing to do with you, and derail whatever people were talking about. Instead get a fight started about sports, politics, religion, Coke v. Pepsi, Cats v. Dogs, Free Will — whatever they would be likely to fight about. And promptly drop out of the conversation.

7. Get into twitter wars with people you have literally no connection to.

Let this example be your guide: I was tagged in a convo with some random Transgender SJW I’d never heard of… and the SJW told me I wasn’t qualified to have whatever (unnamed) opinion. When I asked what made them think I would care what they thought, they told me that they only wanted to share with me how ignorant I was.  [With a little practise, you too, can be this pompous and self-interested]

8. Self-promote on irrelevant blog posts. Amateurs will put a link to something that will showcase their own opinions. The real internet idiot will tell the story about their sister’s room-mate’s nephew who now makes eleventy-three dollars a minute from home with this amazing work-from-home-system. (Usually in bold.)

9. Slag people who disagree with you about minor things. They have a different taste in music, or favorite color? They use (don’t use) the Oxford Comma? They have a different take on politics? Quick! Destroy the heretic! They disagree with you! They are obviously dangerously stupid! Attack their character, their mother, and their mother’s character. Make an example of them so nobody else makes the mistake of disagreeing with your Godlike intellect.

10. React to a post after only reading the headline. (Facebook, blogs, news articles.) What better way to tell the world how dull-witted you are than having a fully-formed opinion after reading an 8 word headline that often was not written by the actual columnist!

Put as many of these steps into practice, and you will soon be bragging about all the (idiots from that group that you hate) who have blocked you from commenting on their blogs, or twitter feeds.

You will soon be able to brag about all the people who couldn’t handle your withering logic, and were forced to turn tail and unfriend you. It will be a badge of honor that people begin to shun you and your real-life opportunities to engage with the real world will begin to dry up — which is a blessing, really. It will give you even more time to hone these skills on the internet.

Share if you know a few people who are EXACTLY like this