Hillary Clinton picked Tim Kaine.
Did you know Tim Kaine speaks Spanish? Tim Kaine speaks Spanish. How much Spanish does Tim Kaine speak? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, that’s how much Spanish Tim “Se Habla Español” Kaine speaks. That’s a lot of Spanish Tim Kaine speaks. Because you know, Tim Kaine speaks Spanish. Spanish is something Tim Kaine speaks. He speaks it well, Tim Kaine does. Lots of it.
That’s going to be the initial narrative surrounding Hillary Clinton’s Vice Presidential selection – Tim Kaine’s ability to speak Spanish fluently. This will become the 2016 equivalent of the tingle Chris Matthews says he felt running up his leg back in 2008 when Obama came around. As I type this, just minutes after Hillary Clinton made her VP announcement, mainstream media outlets are no doubt scouring their rosters for reporters with Spanishy sounding names who will promptly be dispatched to cover Tim Kaine and to (hopefully) catch him speaking Spanish.
The best reporters will be those with a proven ability to over-enunciate every Spanish sounding word and name they come across – the type of reporters who can take “Juan” and pronounce it “Wwwwhhhhan”, who can take “futbol” and pronounce it “fooot-baawhl”, who can take “Nissan” and pronounce it “Nee-saan” even though Nissan isn’t of Hispanic origin any more than Bill Clinton is a paragon of marital fidelity. When you’re a big-league, liberal reporter you gotta cover all possible bases when there’s a narrative at stake.
Then the most glowing editorials masquerading as objective news stories will appear that proclaim Tim Kaine akin to what a Newsweek editor proclaimed Obama was around the time Chris Matthews was dealing with random leg thrills – that “what” being God Himself; who can forget that moment eight years or so ago when liberals adopted Barack Obama as their one true Lord and Savior. A tsunami of media tales are forthcoming that will insist Tim Kaine, by virtue of his bilingual nature, is the healer of all wounds, real or imagined, and the bringer of world peace: “Yea though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, fear no evil, for Tim Kaine speaketh Spanish fluently”*.
Oh, wait, it gets better.
The mere fact that Hillary Clinton sat down with two binders full of Vice Presidential candidates to pick from – by the way, wasn’t Mitt Romney lambasted for daring to use binders as part of his selection processes – and emerged with Tim Kaine as her choice will be treated as evidence of her wisdom. Her wit. Hillary’s gravitas. That’s right. Hillary sat down. Deliberated. And then she flipped to page whatever of binder number two, stabbed her index finger down hard on the page entitled “Kaine, Tim M.”, conjured her inner Dora the Explorer then screeched “C’mon vamanos, everybody let’s go!”, which sent Huma Abedin scurrying off to fire up the Scooby Van and draft up the Kaine announcement.
Make no mistake about it. No matter what goes down in Philly, the narrative for the time being will be Tim Kaine
and his ability to speak Spanish. As if that and that alone puts Clinton-Kaine intellectually and morally superior to the Trump-Pence ticket.
* My apologies to the Psalmists.