If I Were A Mexican, I’d Want To Live In The U.S. Because Mexico Blows

If I were a Mexican stuck in Mexico, I, too, would grab a jug of aqua, stuff fistfuls of tortillas into a bandana, then tie that knap sack onto the end of a long stick and start my slog north for the Promised Land.

What would be the rationale for my exodus from Santa Ana land? Well, one big reason is Mexico sucks. Mexico’s economic future is about as bright as Leif Garrett’s singing career. I’m talking there is nada for the average José. Look, Vicente Fox and drug cartels can only hire out so many pool boys, chefs, drivers, maids, migrant map makers, drug runners and mistresses. For the rest of the national workforce . . . well, you’re pretty much shit-out-of-luck.

Eclipsing the economic disaster are two other reasons why, if I were a Mexican living in Mexico, I’d be putting the Sierra Madres in my rearview mirror and heading for Marfa: namely, Telemundo and Univision. Yes, if those were the only two channels I could watch on my black and white Philco after a 16-hour day of picking mangos in exchange for two scrawny chickens and a drinking gourd, I would walk through the desert for hundreds of miles, brave banditos, eat horny toads, drink mud, bake in the sun, swim the Rio Grande, scale the Big Bend mountains and wrestle pumas just to get away from that tacky entertainment and to get here to the States where I could enjoy Hannity and Tucker Carlson’s show. Therefore, as conservatives, we’ve got to cut these guys some slack. We, too, would want out of such a dysfunctional banana republic.

Now, having said that, let me address mi amigos that want to move into our amazing Land-O-Plenty: Would you mind immigrating legally and learning English? Because, you see, our legal citizens are getting increasingly fed up with your criminal relocation dreams. That’s right. Our American buddies on the Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas borders are especially sick of . . .

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• Having their land trashed like Hillary’s hotel room after her loss to Trump.
• Having their ranches’ fencing routinely cut and vandalized.
• Having to pick up your pill bottles, used needles and syringes.
• Having to find the half eaten remains of their pets left from one of your impromptu BBQ’s.
• Having their homes burglarized.
• Having their daughters raped.
• Having their vehicles stolen.
• Having their property value plummet.
• Having their sedate streets become unsafe requiring their children to be placed under lock and key after sunset.
• Having the arduous and unpleasant chore of scraping human feces off their front lawns in the morning.

Call us Americans fastidious, but we no likey the aforementioned; and the above is not causing us to take a shining to your desires to resettle here.

Let me help would-be Mexican immigrants understand exactly where we’re coming from. Our nation’s leniency regarding immigration has been used as a night stick to whup our own ass. So excuse us, por favor, if we don’t seem too giddy about receiving new guests into our home.

Look, if you want to come here and visit, work or possibly live in the US of A, you must understand that it is a privilege. Be very clear on one fact: it is NOT a right. We don’t have to do anything.

In addition, we want people who dream the American dream, who crave what we crave and who will approach us respectfully, legally and . . . if you don’t mind terribly . . . pardon my redundancy, in English. And get this straight: our demand for a more stringent border has nothing—nothing!—to do with xenophobia. Rather, it is rooted in a love for our country. We like it here. We see it as a privilege and an honor to live here. And we want to make sure that when letting others join us in this privilege and honor, we are rewarding the credible who have waited, not the criminal who has manipulated. So, my advice is to immigrate correctly . . . do it right . . . and if you choose not to—don’t think it unkind if you get tossed on your head right back to where you came from.

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