Note: The following piece is satire.
by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff
Tuesday, January 29th, 2013
(FAIRFAX, VA) — “How do ya’ like me now?!” the National Rifle Association effectively said.
Last Wednesday. Reacting to the Obama administration’s executive orders to curb gun violence and “suggestions” on how to prevent further incidents like the Newtown massacre, NRA CEO and Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre announced yesterday that he and the entire membership of the National Rifle Association were converting to Islam.
The stunning declaration is being condemned as “cowardly” by some gun rights supporters and “brilliantly strategic and practical” by others, as the nation’s biggest pro-gun organization now all being Muslims will no doubt stave off the administration’s attempts to tighten controls on gun owners (the rationale being that via the NRA’s being Muslim, hence a notoriously downtrodden minority, the White House and allies in Congress would not dare move to take away their rights to own firearms of whatever magnitude; such moves would be discriminatory if not out-right racist, claims the NRA).
“This administration loves providing guns — big guns, and thousands of them — to Muslim fighters in Libya, Egypt, now Syria,” said LaPierre, bedecked in Wahhabi-style Muslim garb, at a press conference last Wednesday. “Many of these rebel groups consist of radical jihadists who hate America just as much as the governments we’re helping them topple. If Obama is so pro-gun when it comes to radical Muslims, then damn it, we at the NRA are now radical Muslims, too!”
When asked by reporters if he and the rest of the NRA’s 4.5 million members actually expected to be taken seriously, believing the administration would find their change of faith too intimidating to continue curtailing legal gun ownership, LaPierre snapped, “First, I am now ‘Hamid al-Pierre,’ not ‘Wayne LaPierre.’ And yes, if Obama wants to go after four and a half million gun owners, all of whom are now becoming devout Muslims, then the government can expect the biggest discrimination lawsuit ever. … And also we urge all non-NRA gun owners in America to convert to Islam, or declare themselves gay, or make whatever changes it takes to place them in a more ‘politically correct group.’ Thereby a more ‘protected’ group.”
According to 2010 census statistics, the average NRA member is Caucasian, male, age 35 to 65, of working class, Protestant, and suburban and rural dwelling.
Furthermore, all registered gun owners, NRA members or not, make up a wider range of demographics, however they still generally reflect those of the NRA, a fact the now “Hamid al-Pierre” was not shy in discussing.
“It is unmistakable,” continued al-Pierre through a scraggly, grayish-black beard and noticeably darker skin, “most of us legal gun owners in America belong to its least ‘politically correct’ group. So if we just change as many aspects of ourselves, we should stop the administration’s efforts to thwart our Second Amendment rights dead in their tracks.”
Although an astute AP reporter was quick to point out that al-Pierre was of French and English decent, al-Pierre retorted, “There’s gotta be some Middle-Eastern or African ancestry in my family somewhere …I’m looking into it. In any case, I’ve been hitting the tanning bed pretty hard. And I urge all our members out there to start doing the same! Allahu Akbar!”
Obama Administration Reacts to “Cowardly” NRA Conversion Tactic
With the nation’s attention focused last Wednesday on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s long awaited testimony on the September 11th terror attacks in Benghazi (also by radical Muslims), little was paid to White House Press Secretary James Carney’s response to the NRA’s announcement/conversion at his daily briefing.
“Admittedly, we’re perplexed at the (NRA’s) announcement of its conversion to Islam,” said a stunned-looking Carney. “And if more legal gun owners follow the NRA’s lead and convert to Islam, it will make it even harder for the administration to push for tighter gun laws, since we all know it’s middle-aged, rural, Christian white men with families who legally own guns who are the greatest threat in America today. Now we’ve lost much of that dangerous demographic. It’s a strategically cowardly move.”
Said Larry Pratt, Director of Gun Owners of America, NRA’s top rival group, “This is the sleaziest, cheapest maneuver to avoid confronting the gun-grabbers in America and the White House,” said Pratt following the al-Pierre’s announcement Wednesday morning. “We should be challenging these anti-Second Amendment folks head-on, not changing our religions to make ourselves into ‘minorities’ and more ‘PC-appealing’!”
But NRA members are following Hamid al-Pierre’s example, researching compatible Islamic names, area mosques and customs. Knoxville, Tennessee resident and father of four, Albert Sherman, said he will be formally changing his name to Muhammad Ali Shermad-Shabbaz. “My wife and I own several guns, including an AR-15, and we’ll all be converting to Islam within a week and visiting our local mosque … if there is one in Tennessee.”
“After all,” added the 54-year-old commercial property renovator, “there was no ‘national debate’ about guns when a crazed Muslim kid shot and killed five at the Trolley Square mall in 2007 while screaming ‘Allahu Akbar,’ just like there was no national debate when Nidal Hassan murdered 13 fellow soldiers at Fort Hood while screaming ‘God Is Great’ either.”
“I just don’t know how I’ll ever give up bacon,” said a somber Mrs. soon-to-be Shermad-Shabbaz, thinking of her future as a Muslim wife. “We eat bacon every day. We even have bacon ice cream!”
However, she if giving up bacon is the worst she must endure to secure her family’s right to bear arms, Mrs. Sherman, 55, said it is something she can live with. “We’ll deal with no bacon, but that also means no sharia law in our house, either! Albert wouldn’t impose ‘sharia’ on me or our (two) daughters. And he wouldn’t even if he tried.”
When asked why her husband couldn’t impose strict Islamic codes in their house, Sherman replied, “Simple: I’ll blow his weiner off.”
Note: The preceding piece is satire.