I spent last week driving across the country – all the way from Colorado to North Carolina. I started my trip in a liberal city and I ended my trip in a liberal city. Along the way, I saw a lot of stupid liberal bumper stickers. I thought of a lot of responses to those stupid bumper stickers. I also thought it would be a real crime if I didn’t share them with you. Here are my top ten.
1. This is Not a Medical Instrument. (This bumper sticker had a picture of a coat hanger on it). Thanks. I already knew that a coat hanger isn’t a medical instrument. That’s why a woman shouldn’t insert one into her vagina in order to kill her unborn child. I plan to get a bumper sticker with a gun on it saying “And this isn’t a medical instrument either. Keep it out of your vagina. And stop claiming a right to kill an innocent baby in a clean and sterile environment.” Unfortunately, it would take a bumper wider than the First Lady’s fanny to capture the idea.
2. How Can You Be Pro Life and Eat Dead Animals? I don’t know. I guess the same way I can drive by a dead squirrel on the highway but would feel compelled to stop if I saw a dead person. Similarly, I guess I can’t equate a dead squirrel with a dead baby. And, yes, I do shoot and eat squirrels. I’m from Mississippi. Don’t judge me. You don’t know what you’re missing.
3. Stop Global Warming. Ok, let’s do that. While we’re at it, let’s print bumper stickers saying “Stop Continental Drift.” It will remind people that every problem is a human problem with a government solution.
4. War is not the Answer. Ok. What was the question? I was fondling my new Taurus Judge when I saw that one. And stop honking at me in traffic while I’m busy reloading with a fresh batch of 45 long colts.
5. Love Wins. I saw that one on I-64 East somewhere in West Virginia. Who cares if she’s your cousin? Or even your little sister. Love wins! And pass the fried squirrel, Jethro!
6. I like my president like I like my coffee. Strong, Smooth, and Black. Oh, really? When did Michelle Obama get elected president? You can’t be talking about Barack. He’s not strong. In fact, when he turns sideways and sticks out his tongue, he looks like a zipper. He’s not smooth without a TelePrompTer. And saying he’s black is really only a half-truth.