Five Resolutions for Christians and Patriots

Ever since Obama was elected, my mouth stopped bleeding and I can’t find Zuzu’s petals! “Clarence!”

Somehow we went to sleep in Bedford Falls and woke up in Obamaville. It’s not a dream. And if angels are coming, they’ll be more like the ninjas from the History Channel Bible Series than they will the pudgy simpleton known as Clarence. Here’s some constructive advice for Christians and patriots in the meantime.

1. Forget the waistline, start with the spirit.

The vast majority of resolutions are shallow and self-absorbed: diets, workout regimens, and makeovers. That gym membership that you use for two weeks and then “don’t have time for,” or that new all in one exercise equipment that collects dust and takes up space in the basement that you only remember when you write the monthly check or have to climb over it to get your golf clubs out of the closet.

Put the bar-bell down and pick up a Bible. I’m not saying that bodily exercise doesn’t profit and Lord knows, most Americans could lose a few pounds, but in the age we live in, if that’s your number one focus then you’ll be the dude that was easy to carry to the mass graves. Sure, you’ll look great in the orange jump suit in some DHS gulag, but there’s greater work to be done for the moment.

Most Americans cater to bodily needs while their spirit atrophies. Men and women who would never miss a meal at the dinner table will rarely show up at the Lord’s Table. Seek truth, celebrate wisdom and know Christ. When you have; get into a Bible believing and preaching church where the shepherd cares more about the Lord and his flock than his mall church, and where growth is measured spiritually and not numerically.

When the voice of morality in America is shared with more clarity from a duck hunter, a former child actor and a chicken sandwich maker than it is from her churches, the pulpit is to blame. America is making Sodom and Egypt blush, while her pastors are busy selling diets and confidence schemes. 

Is it any wonder that Duck Dynasty is popular? There’s more doctrine in one show than in a gaggle of “sermons” by the worthless shepherds that line the “Best Sellers” shelf in the “Christian” bookstore!

2. Engage the Soul.

Drop the Fifty Shades of Gray and live in Technicolor, with Dolby 7.1 surround sound. Put together a reading program of books that will bring wisdom and nurture the soul. Start with a Bible, Frederic Bastiat’s THE LAW, Metaxas’ 7 MEN: AND THE SECRET OF THEIR GREATNESS, and Wes Walker’s A BLUEPRINT FOR GOVERNMENT THAT DOESN’T SUCK (all for under $25 on my kindle).

Quit sharing memes and start making memories. That family down the street whose dad is deployed to Afghanistan: cut their grass, shovel their walk, and invite them to church. Volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center; refine your testimony for the lonely, hungry souls at the retirement home. Spend an hour each week discipling your own children, individually. Put together a family plan for education and entertainment. Don’t skip the vacation, just put the Mickey ears down and take a history book with you. Take a liberty vacation. Don’t just watch National Treasure, live it and take the tour.

Be fruitful and multiply. Liberals don’t have babies, they abort them. Have a baby, adopt a child, take in a foster; resolve to change your life by enriching another’s. Keep your vows, renew your vows, and show your kids and the next generation that marriage is sacred. We live in a twisted, perverse generation, the horizon is horribly dark, so be the diamond. Even a night-light is obvious in a dark room, so start as a match and aim to grow into the flame thrower.

Leave jargon and bumper sticker clichés to the pretenders. If you’ve posted “I WILL NOT COMPLY,” then don’t. Opt out of Obamacare, join Samaritan Ministries. Maybe you’ll die sooner but you’ll die a free man who didn’t sell his soul. Sheep have great health care until they’re no longer profitable. Don’t baa for the master.

Make “DON’T TREAD ON ME,” a reality. It’s easy to post, “FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS,” and harder to live or die by it. Prepare for the consequences of living and dying like August Landmesser – the one man in a sea of Nazi sheeple who would not salute the Fuhrer.

Prepare the mind and soul to be that man. Do your children know who he is? Stand in front of the tanks. Take down the Lebron James poster and put up the Phil Robertson.

If you truly would live as the Apostle, “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain,” then don’t be surprised when you are hounded, hunted, whipped and beheaded. Live and die for the glory of God but fear no man.

3. Money Talks, Bovine Scatology Walks!

Put your money where your heart is. Don’t shop at Costco and put the Ben and Jerry’s down. If it’s an “in your face” liberal company, then don’t give them the rope that will hang your children.

Express your gratitude to those who put their values above their bottom line. Shop at Hobby Lobby. Eat at Chick-fil-A. Buy Duck Commander. Insist on Interstate Battery. Smoke Safari Cigars or give them as gifts. Forget gold, buy lead. When it comes, bullets will be more valuable than Krugerrands. Invest in guns, rifles, shotguns and the education and training in their proper use.

Send your kid to Ted Nugent camp or better yet, take them yourself. Stock your husband’s stocking with a gift certificate for a combat handgun class. Ditch the Boy Scouts because they ditched you and join Trail Life. Invest in companies that love and appreciate freedom and don’t compromise your values. Set your mind to never compromise that which is within your control and to depend less and less on that which is not.

4. Hey, Dr. Prepper, Start an Apocalypse Closet!

Wouldn’t you like to be a Prepper, too? While it isn’t practical for everyone to have a bunker stocked with three years of provisions in case of an Iranian EMP, it is a must to at least have the minimum to survive an emergency. Let’s take Katrina as an example – two weeks without food, water or sanitation: Are you prepared for at least that? You don’t need a pallet of MRE’s and six years training in Krav Maga (although it wouldn’t hurt); but would you have enough food, water, ammunition, medical supplies to survive at least twice what Katrina was? Can your family survive without grocery store and gas station, without medical care and police protection, for a month?

It’s not hard to prep and it doesn’t have to happen overnight. Throw a couple extra cans of tuna and jars of peanut butter in the cart every time you shop. You can do the same with ammo, every time you go shooting. Buy water purification pills instead of storing massive amounts of water and plan for mobility in case it’s necessary.

5. Refine your skills!

Put the soccer ball down and pick up the Mossberg 500. Hunt, teach your kids to hunt. When the Shih-tzu hits the fan, their six years in youth soccer won’t pass the time in the prison yard for political prisoners. When you went to Monticello, did you see Thomas Jefferson’s youth basketball trophy? No, I didn’t think so. He’s the guy who wrote,

A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks.

And do what you do, as a family. Crossfit is a much better workout than conventional lifting and cardio and it is scalable to the capacity of the individual. Trade in the canoe for two kayaks. Hunt, fish, can, sew, learn small engine repair, gun-smithing, reloading, take up archery, buy a freezer and stock it, rough it, tough it and if you’re going to hit it, kill it. Time is short. Think as if you were a Jew in the time of the Maccabees or a Bonhoeffer in the time of the Nazis, because YOU ARE!

Did I say that time is short?

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About the author: John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood is a son of Issachar. He is a Zionist, gun-toting, cigar-smoking, incandescent light bulb-using, 3.2 gallon flushing, fur-wearing, Chinese (MSG) eating, bow-hunting, SUV driving, unhyphenated American man who loves his wife, isn't ashamed of his country and does not apologize for his Christianity. He Pastors Grace Gospel Fellowship Bensenville, where "we the people" seek to honor "In God we Trust." He hosts the Christian wake up call IN THE ARENA every Sunday at noon on AM 1160 and he co-hosts UnCommon Sense, the Christian Worldview with a double shot of espresso on He is the proud homeschooling dad of Konnor, Karter and Payton and the "blessed from heaven above" husband of the Righteous and Rowdy Wendymae.

View all articles by John Kirkwood

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