The following is satire.

by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, Official DP Muslim Civil War Re-enactor  

(DEARBORN, MI) — An anguished wife along with many Muslims are blaming the world’s largest religion and vowing revenge after an immigrant from Tunisia was trampled to death during a stampede at a Walmart the day after Thanksgiving.

Forty-eight-year-old Kafon Farhuk, a cardiologist, was granted asylum in the United States along with his wife, Selima, and their four children last year, claiming they were in increasing in danger since the overthrow of Tunisia’s former regime in January of 2011.  Farhuk was excited to become a U.S. citizen and was looking forward to learning as much about America’s traditions and customs as possible, according to the doctor’s family.   That curiosity unfortunately cost the refugee’s life on Black Friday, the infamous nationwide shopping day after Thanksgiving.  

According to Mrs. Farhuk, her husband had not been searching for Christmas gifts due to his religion, but was simply out to experience “Black Friday” — a day of which he was most curious — firsthand.   Said a sobbing Selima to Reuters, Sunday, “Kafon had never been to a Walmart and always wanted to go, especially to see this ‘Blackest of Days’ Americans hold so dear.  After (Walmart) Kafon was going to take the children indoor rock climbing.  But he never came home … and never will!”

Around 10:00 AM, a stampede broke out at the Dearborn Walmart Farhuk was in, after reports of a “violent confrontation with armed individuals” emerged from the toddler toy aisle, leading to rumors of someone with an automatic rifle and the prospect of another mass shooting spreading fast.   Farhuk, unaccustomed with Black Friday crowds, lost his bearings and was trampled to death in the ensuing rush of panicked shoppers.  Even more sad and ironic is that security footage not only shows no “armed confrontation” in the store, but curiously an equal number of people stampeding towards the rumored gunman in the toddler aisle as from him; the prospect of abandoned shopping lanes and carts proving too tempting for many to resist.  

“Me and my fourteen cousins were all like, ‘Ain’t no (expletive) gunman gonna stop us on Black Friday!   So we charged over people when they said the kids’ aisle was clearin’ — crazy man with gun or not!” said Unique Johnson, 28, a shopper who said she saw the unconscious body of Kafon Farhuk lying in one of the main thoroughfares to the children’s section.  “Of course I seen (Farhuk) — I tripped over him, too, all laying down in the aisles and (expletive) like he own the place.  …Triflin’!” 

Farhuk was rushed to the hospital suffering from oxygen deprivation and a collapsed lung.  He never regained consciousness and was pronounced dead Sunday morning.

Now the Farhuks are left with no husband, father, provider, but many to blame; a whole religion, in fact.  Said an enraged Selima Farhuk to reporters, Sunday, “If it wasn’t for Christians and Christianity there wouldn’t be so many people out engaging in cheap, meaningless consumerism on ‘Blackest Day’! There would not even be a ‘Black Day’!   But no, you people kill my husband for having to shop for your false god that you won’t even think about when opening the very things you bought! … Infidels are to blame for our pain, as usual!”

Neither are people like Unique Johnson and her fourteen marauding cousins to blame for helping kill Dr. Farhuk by their exploitation of a popular shopping day; turning it into a vulgar, national spectacle to many like Mrs. Farhuk and the rest of the world, regardless of religion.   Indeed, it is Christianity and its subsequent mutation into violent greed and covetousness that killed Kafon, according to prominent Islamic leaders around the world, outraged to hear of the death of the first Muslim at the hands of America’s Black Friday, the “sacred shopping day of the infidels.”

“The Zionist–controlled American oppressors have killed their first and last child of Allah with their hedonist ‘Black Friday’!” said Assem Abdel-Maged, the exiled leader of Egypt’s radical Islamist group al-Gama’a al-Islamiyya.   “‘Black Friday’ has ‘till now been a source of amusement to the Arab world, but not now that it has claimed the life of one of our own.   We vow vengeance for Brother Farhuk!”

Farhuk’s demise on Black Friday has united normally feuding Islamic sects around the world.  More notable leaders such as Iranian president Hassan “Rihanna” Rouhani are also condemning Christians and the United States for Farhuk’s death.  “This is a time of mourning for Muslims of all strains,” Rouhani told the Associated Press, Sunday.  “Any time a Muslim is killed by Christians, or by people who think they are Christians but behaving exactly opposite of how Christians should behave, it is a tragedy … and a tragedy which should be avenged.  This is an eye-for-eye, shopping-trampling-for-shopping-trampling situation for sure.”

Back in Kafon’s Tunisian hometown of Nabeul, family and friends are pausing to remember Farhuk, with some reacting much differently to his death.  Kafon’s older brother, Farheed, said that while Farhuk’s death is tragic it should not be used to blame Christianity or all of America.  “This is just ridiculous,” Farheed, 52, said to Duh Progressive.  “Muslims and Arabs have lots of events in which large crowds gather and people get crushed and trampled.  People die during the Hajj almost every year, for Allah’s sake!  At least in America they trample each other to death for causes more fun and meaningful … like that new Xbox One.  Like, da-eeem!  I know I trample somebody ass for that (expletive)!”

According to Islamic and Walmart tradition, Kafon Farhuk was buried at the exact location in the Walmart he died in last Friday.   May Dr. Farhuk rest in peace under the ham, bacon and other assorted breakfast meats aisle.

The preceding is satire.