My New Year’s Resolution: Get More Aggressive Making Fun of The Progressives

I hate New Year’s resolutions. The reason? Well, it’s not so much the well-meaning, lofty—yet ofttimes delusional—resolutions many of us spout off at midnight (wasted, of course) … it’s because of the lack of sober follow through once January 1st smacks us in the face. Yep, as Al Gore once famously said, amidst all our good intentions, “it’s hard for a zebra to change its spots.” More than likely most of us will revert back to the way we’ve always been.

I, however, have determined with pitbull-like resolve that this year will be an evolution for me. I might even change my name, like to an animal’s name or to a mythological critter like a famous centaur or something. That would be cool. I don’t know yet. To help me decide, my buddy Hambone Tweedle and I are going to roast a Safari Cigar and do a brainstorming session mañana for my new evolutionary nomenclature. Stay tuned.

Anyway, for 2014 I am dead set to morph from being a pretty good conservative gadfly to the lunatic Left to becoming an even more annoying source of angst for the progressives amongst us. Why? Well, the stakes are too high for conservatives to remain nice. Additionally, the folks who voted for BHO’s vapid crap are slowly waking up and need encouragement and feisty apologetics now. But mainly, destroying, ridiculing, and exposing the multitudinous liberal lies and honking hypocrisies from the Hope & Change wizards is more fun than burning ants for me.

To help me in this noble quest, James Delingpole, a Brit with true grit, penned a book to help me chart the course to be even more mordant with the libmonkeys who’re currently peeing on our great land. The book is …  365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy.

Delingpole, in this pole-axing tome, encourages the conservative, libertarian and recovering democrat to go for the jugular vein of the socialist ingrates who’re giddy to gut our nation of its exceptionalism. James exhorts the reader to annoy the annoyers, to quit being nicer than Christ and get into the verbal fray and demolish the diminishing few who still inhale Obama’s ganja through jokes, facts, arguments and outrageous rumors. Don’t worry, this task will be easy and God will help you succeed in this venture because, as James points out:

1. Liberals have no sense of humor. 2. Liberals have no facts on their side. 3. Liberals are hypocrites. 4. God, being conservative Himself, hates liberalism at least as much as you do, which is why he created reasons 1, 2 and 3.
Herewith are a few examples from JD’s manuscript to help you give the heave ho to the hos of socialism. Order and enjoy this laugh-out-loud book on and make 2014 fun and profitable for our nation. Check these out …

– To bust on the left: Next time you hear a reference to “America’s first black president,” counter by referring to Obama as “America’s 44th white president.” Explain that you’re doing so on feminist grounds: “What? You’re trying to tell me that his Caucasian mom’s genetic input doesn’t count? But that’s so SEXIST!”

– Ask a BHO ogler to name the three shortest books in the world: How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Rahm Emanuel; Humility and Its Virtues, by Barack Obama; What the Constitution Means to Me, by Nancy Pelosi.

– Quote with appropriate reverence and non-judgmental, multicultural appreciation the great Iranian religious leader Ayatollah Khomeini: to marry a girl before she begins menstruating is “a divine blessing.” If your liberal friend starts sputtering, cheerfully inquire, “Who are you to judge another culture—you’re not Islamophobic, are you?”

– Tell them you don’t give a damn about the polar bears. And it’s not because you don’t like cute, fluffy, white carnivores; it’s because you find it hard to accept a species whose population has increased fivefold—from 5,000 to 25,000—in the last five decades can actually be in any kind of trouble.

– Quote Auberon Waugh: “The urge to pass new laws must be seen as an illness, not much different from the urge to bite old women. Anyone suspected of suffering from it should either be treated with the appropriate pills or, if it is too late for that, elected to parliament [or congress, as the case may be] and paid a huge salary with endless holidays, to do nothing whatever.”

– Tell a joke. Q: why is it so hard for liberals to make eye contact? A: Obama’s rear doesn’t have eyes.

– Instead of “progressive,” always use the words “oppressive” or “regressive.” When called on this, feign puzzlement. “But how is it progressive to steal free citizens’ liberty, money, and hope, and hand it all over to government bureaucrats?”

– Find a feminist and see if she has a sense of humor. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be open when she brings it to you.

– Turn up at your local Muslim outreach program wearing an “I’d Rather Be Water Boarding” t-shirt.

– Invite your liberal friends for a barbecue. Why? To celebrate the day when the lives of hundreds of thousands of young American and Allied servicemen were saved thanks to President Truman’s fine, principled decision to drop the atom bomb on Hiroshima. Serve Kamikaze cocktails (natch): equal parts Vodka, Triple Sec, and lime juice.

– Have some Global Warming Fun: On a beautiful, hot summer’s day, invite a liberal to crack open a can or two of ice cold beer by the pool. Say: “Run that Cap and Trade thing by me one more time because there’s something I don’t get. You guys are saying that we need to raise taxes and make energy more expensive so we can get less weather like this?”

– When a liberal asks what you’re buying your kids for their birthdays, say: “Oh, I guess the usual: more ammo.”

– Give your small children toy guns and tell your liberal friend, “Yeah, I think this is the best way to break them in so they can handle the real thing when they’re six or seven.”

– When your liberal neighbors knock excitedly on your door to show you ultrasound pictures of the baby they’re expecting, look mortified and then say, “But surely, it’s not yet a child, it’s still a choice.”

About the author: Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.

View all articles by Doug Giles

  • Gilly

    We have tolerated things that are intolerable and afraid to criticize them because we have let ourselves become a victim of political correctness.

    • Sweet, Innocent, and Lovable

      I have never been politically correct. I say what I think when I think it. Scares the heck out of my better half. Afraid one of those liberal A-holes might shoot me.

      • SuperDave2

        They won’t….Unless you’re in a “Gun-Free Zone”.

  • Jakester

    I now believe it to be true: Liberals/Progressives actually DO derive sexual pleasure by regulating the lives of others..

  • dmbunce

    Doug, love the digs! Give us more!

  • Cephas33

    Oh but Obama’s rear does have an eye…a huge RED eye.

    • jj

      Resident Obamalama Ding Dong fell into a vat of Preparation-H.
      Rescue efforts were fruitless. Nothing was found.
      America rejoices.

  • James Andrews

    Good resolution!

  • Toastertreat

    I like your style Giles!

  • CrustyOldGeezer

    Good material.

    I tend to be more of an “in your face” type when talking to the intellectually disadvantaged losers that prov it every time they vote.

    • Feriell Elizabeth Hayton

      thank you crustyoldgeezer for that intellectually stimulating gold mine. now i see the light.

  • Dominic De Falco

    My New Years Resolution…… I will no longer conform to Political Correctness whatsoever and instead will do everything possible whenever possible to do just the opposite! Two can play the game, this crap has been shoved down my throat for years, now it is my turn!

  • ChicagoThunder1

    Good! I want to see them short out.

  • Chris P

    Thanks for the tips. James Delingpole is as nuts as you lot.

    • Sweet, Innocent, and Lovable

      If not for us nuts the rest of you would still be living in caves and not have any tools or weapons. We know how to enjoy life!

      • Feriell Elizabeth Hayton

        what better way to enjoy life than by putting the lives of others in danger! live it up.

        • Freebyrd1968

          That didn’t make sense, are you sniffing something?

  • Saltporkdoc

    Can’t wait to see the expressions on their over Botoxed faces when I use some of these on them!
    (I know they’re over Botoxed because it has leaked from their faces into their cranium and killed off their remaining brain cell[sic]!)

    • johnnycab23513

      Hew collards seasoning guy, are you telling me Pelosi had a brain cell at one time? I thought she was a life long democrat.

      • SuperDave2

        I’ve always known them as ‘DemonCrap’ not democrat. Just Saying.

        • Worship Dancer

          i like to call them libturdocrat or even proglodyte

          • SuperDave2

            Both are good & descriptive.

          • Worship Dancer

            feel free to use them.

  • medivac

    When I retired from the plant I used to work at, my speech included something to the effect that all the “diversity training” I received at the plant was out the window like a smelly fart !! I went back to my old style of respect is an earned thing , not a mandatory given by some dip-wad that never had a clue as to what real respect is. I worked with and around just about all races and both sexes and had respect for many of them . I also had some people that ,to include whites, didn’t earn my respect so they stayed on my chit list !! obama has never done anything to earn my respect !!

    • sovereigntyofone

      Respect is ” earned ” not handed out like food stamps.
      Just my 2 cents worth.

    • Freebyrd1968

      A motivational speaker at a seminar once told me that the “cream” always
      rises to the top in an organization. I reminded him that the curds and
      turds do to!!

      Diversity training is a load of crap. Respect must be earned.

  • gary1224

    I have to admit that those are pretty funny. However, using them as a political discourse will just convince progressives that conservatives are just a bunch of PeeWee Herman wannabees.

    • BeautifulAmerica

      We just have to do it anyway. We know what they think, but it’s the process of planting seeds and Alinsky-style ridiculing. Back at ‘em!

    • Igor

      Hate to break it to ya, Skippy, but they already do.
      You forgot the “knuckle-dragging” part…

  • Dave the Barbarian

    Naw I just wanna kill em, does that make me a bad person? ROFLMFAO!

    • Jay Star

      If they dont kill us first as they will be the only ones left with the guns, besides the criminals…

      • Dave the Barbarian

        Ok, are we talking conservatives or progressives?

      • Marlin208

        So, what is wrong with that? Could be interesting.

        • Freebyrd1968

          I think you are confused.

          • Marlin208

            I am not confused. What is wrong with liberals and criminals having guns and killing each other? Sounds good to me.

          • Freebyrd1968

            I misunderstood. Let me add to that. We should have sporting events where all of the criminals and leftists are rounded up and herded into a football stadium, issued weapons. Last one alive gets advance to the next round. Kind of a modern day version of the coliseum.

    • Feriell Elizabeth Hayton

      wow, sounding like a real terrorist there. are you from the middle east? can i see your birth certificate?

      • Dave the Barbarian

        Progressives and Radical Islamists are pretty simpatico ideologically, so no i’m not a terrorist! SI VIS PACEM, PARA BELLUM!

  • sovereigntyofone

    My new years resolution is about the same as my last years. I’m going to continue to attack (verbally ) the ” Enemy within – Democommies “. For years we’ve fought the communist in one form or another, and now we are faced once again fighting it on our own turf. Communists/ Democommies are my mortal enemy and to my dying breath I will continue to fight against them. This is my home, the nation that I as well as many others swore an Oath to defend, as well as to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, against ALL enemies, both foreign and DOMESTIC !
    my 2 (so help me God ) cents worth.

  • Liberalism is Nonsense

    Unfettered worship of democracy can be dangerous because democracy is often confused with liberty, may be diametrically opposed to liberty, and is often exploited by those pursuing their own egotistical agenda.

    • Marlin208

      How about a Republic?

      • michael

        Rome had a pretty good one till this guy named Julius stopped following the rules and decided to make the rules himself.
        Wait, does history repeat, or what?

        • Pale Rider

          You are joking, right?
          Gaius Julius Caesar was probably one of the greatest Roman leaders, if not the greatest of all time.
          He fought the corrupt Senate oligarchy, understood the problems with massive unsustainable debt, and fought for the Popularis against the Optimates. His resetting of interest rates to a previous time in order to prevent catastrophic default was an incredibly wise move, and it was he who made it happen.
          He was truly a statesman in every sense of the word — a very skilled military man as well as an accomplished civic leader, Julius Caesar was the real deal in every sense of the word!

          • SuperDave2

            Although, when he crossed the Rubicon with his army & broke the law & showed his distain for the constitution, which never recovered.

          • michael

            Dave brought up one point I was going to make. The rules did not apply to him, he set himself as above the law and the Roman Republic never was able to limit the power of the dictators after him. The Republic was strangled.

            The rule of law is an imperative in a republic. Without it a “an accomplished civic leader” can be followed by someone who cares only for himself. That is what made G. Washington so great in comparison to the “statesman” you praise.
            Do you happen to support our feckless leader who ignores constitutional limits on his power? Has our Rubicon been finally fatally crossed?

    • g55rumpy

      Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.
      John Adams

  • scrambo

    we need patton back he’d start a shootin war with’um and make it look like they started it….

    • AG Dot Com!

      .. as far as I’m concerned, they did. We just haven’t started shooting back yet.

      • Dave the Barbarian

        Can I get an amen brothers and sisters! NON INULTUS PREMOR!

  • anarchyst

    Modern-day liberalism is a psychiatric disorder bordering on insanity . . .

  • Liberalism is Nonsense

    Liberty empowers us to choose our goals, the efforts we undertake, and how to adjust our ways when confronted with that we couldn’t foresee.

  • jeepdude911

    Good advice. When you have your favorite libtard on the ropes, remember what the evil sensei from “the Karate Kid” said, “sweep the leg”.

    • Revere

      Just like your ilk to follow the evil advice!

  • AG Dot Com!

    2014: the year of “ENOUGH of your stupid hippy ‘lets-pretend-we’re-socialists-in-college!’ CRAP!!!”

  • Revere

    This stuff sounds pretty juvenile to me . But then I consider the source & it makes sense.

  • tidalpool

    the last comment re: the neighbors ultra-sound. The humor is sad, biting and to the point. How can the picture of human life while in utero be anything less then a tribute to life, mankind’s achievement and great technology. The punch line (appropriate term) of course is the term ‘option’. This is why I question the humanity of these so called progressives. Until life in utero can be recognized for what it is by these same people they fall beyond the pale.

  • AR154U

    More neo-con blah, blah, blah !!! STOP spending your dollars helping the liberal agenda!!! Until the money flow stops,.. you will see more and more Anti-Christian agenda !

    • jubilee

      YOUR RIGHT…. if you don’t FEED THE BEAST … it will DIE..
      Unfortunantly, many conservatives will WATCH and take part in immoral activities

  • Al Chemist

    The pimps and hos of the far left will continue sniff the gut gas from Obama and his administration and proclaim it to be the finest perfume. My resolution: continue to point out that it’s gut gas.

  • TresAmigos78

    Just like its marxist, socialist, and communist ancestors, today’s liberalism is a death cult.

  • AR154U

    Our Bystander Know Nothing President:
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about ObamaCare Failures!”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Fast and Furious Gun Trafficking !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about IRS Targeting Conservative Groups !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Benghazi Embassy Killings !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Serving in Our Military !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Billions of Bullets Purchased by DHS !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Altered and Deleted Emails !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Job Creation or Our Economy !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about My Counterfeit Birth Certificate !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about 134% Voter Turnout In Districts Democrats Won !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Rev. Wright’s I Hate White America Sermons !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about My Foreign Student College Application Fraud !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Submitting a Budget to the U.S. Congress !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Verizon Data Collection Scandal “!
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Fraudulent Unemployment Numbers “!
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about NSA Data Collection !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Fiscal Responsibility !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about DOE Fraudulent Solyndra Green Energy Loans !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about ACORN Voter Fraud !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about DOJ Wiretapping Crimes !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about INS Sequester Felons Released !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about DOD Weapons Accessed by Chinese Hackers !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Attending National Security Briefings !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Planned Parenthood Illegal Abortions !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Stimulus Bailouts to Unions !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about American Drone Killings !”
    B. Obama ~ “I know nothing about Cash for Clunkers Rebate Fraud !”

    • Worship Dancer

      oh he just wants to be sgt schultz

    • Pecka Woods

      You Racist, you! You know damn good and well that Obama KNOWS where ALL 18 holes are on the White House Golf Course and he knows where are the ice cream shops in DC are, AND he knows all the hot vacation spots AND how to ask Moochelle to book the best deals on!!! So there!

    • Freebyrd1968

      It’s been pretty well established from Obama’s own lips that he “knows nothing”. That’s what he keeps telling us. If he doesn’t know, who’s in charge of this clusterfluck?

  • Thomas Sharp

    Excellent suggestions
    Thanks Mr Giles

  • jubilee

    like i’ve read before PHIL Robertson just woken up a SLEEPING GIANT—NOW Beyonce and others are getting slammed for their behavior…Yes i’m black but this LEFTIST behavior since the 1960s is one of the WORST things that HURT the black family and community

    • gatorbait51

      You are so right ! It pained me and continues to pain me, to see my fellow Americans cheapened by these Communist scum. Destroying a huge segment of our population did not happen by chance.

    • Freebyrd1968

      Your comments are refreshing to hear, but what are we going to do to reverse the trend and save them?

  • Thomas Aquinas

    A nation of merit is devoid of liberty because it is controlled by those choice architects who decide which tasks have merit, which chores should be performed, and who has the power to plunder whom.

  • joe

    Is the GLAAD BAGGER’s age of consent for young boys 15 ? Are GLAAD BAGGERS saying Sandusky is innocent?

  • LibertyNow

    Great comments….we’ll print them out to remember them when needed. Thanks

  • Bruno’s Beach

    Since the liberty used by the few willing to take advantage of it is more important than any freedom we all might use, to restrict liberty to that which all might use is a fatal mistake.

  • The Roadster

    The liberty school realizes that demands for “equality” are little more than slogans conjured up by those attempting to exploit emotions.

  • Socialism is Organized Evil

    As we see from the computer hacking that originates in slave states, the genius unleashed by liberty has become a target for those who cannot advance without stealing the knowledge and inventions developed by free people.

  • Scott Wilson

    Be prepared! some of those lesbians pack a punch!

  • AR154U

    My New Year’s Resolution for ever !!! I no longer want to FUND the Anti-Christian agenda coming from Hollyweird, Music and Trade (Union) industries !! I will try my utmost to avoid giving my dollars to movies, music, services and products that HATE ME !!! Who wants to join me ?

    • HM

      Have fun listening to nothing, and watching no movies.

      • Freebyrd1968

        Try reading, you know that thing the movies are derived from. The books are usually better anyway. Of course if you’re illiterate I can understand why you would prefer movies.

  • #

    I love how this went from “how to annoy liberals” to “how to annoy women and minorities” to “how to annoy scientists”. Kind of vindicates the people you’re making fun of.

  • Liberalism is Nonsense

    Twisting liberty’s definition from “minimized coercion” into “removed obstacles” is the basis for replacing liberty with centralized power.

  • sudsy

    Continuing to double down on dumb is killing the GOP.!

    • magic1114

      Sing along with me: “Yeah we’re movin’ on out, to the left side”… Get a freakin’ sense of humor!

  • Bruno’s Beach

    On a related note, I’ve found this to be a steadfast beacon in the fog of illusions conjured up by today’s liberals and progressives:

  • urbanvrwcmom

    “Instead of “progressive”, always use the words, “regressive” and “oppressive”. For me, my preference is “LEFTIST”. No matter what label, leftists are dangerous!

  • PeterSalinas

    Here’s what I tell a pro-choice progressive, Doug:

    “I’m pro-life, but in your case, I would have made an exception.”

The latest from