My Fellow Conservatives: Time to Drag Some of You to the Woodshed

Sat·ire: a way of using humor to show that someone or something is foolish, weak, bad, etc. : humor that shows the weaknesses or bad qualities of a person, government, society, etc. (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

That is satire, my fellow members of the political Right. It embarrasses me to have to remind some of you of this, and embarrasses me even more to inform some of you of this word’s definition for the very first time. I don’t mean to sound condescending, but apparently I must.

In late 2008 I was in a conversation at a party about the famous satirical news site The Onion, which sports many talented and witty writers (as well as cocky and belligerent, but that’s another story) and is quite funny. Also in this conversation was a young lady who was a self-admitted Communist. But she was not so ardent in her beliefs to the point of refusing to speak to me once she knew mine. We actually were quite amiable to each other in discussing politics. Eventually I made the comment to her: “You know, I wish my side had something like The Onion; a satirical paper poking fun at you guys while making a point at the same time.”

“That’s impossible,” she smugly jibed. “Conservatives aren’t funny. That’s impossible.” Obviously she never heard of The People’s Cube.

So inciting she was, so cocky, so elitist and self-assured, that from that moment on I planned on proving this little red twerp wrong…in my own way. Do you, my fellow conservatives, want to prove this admitted Communist wrong, too?

I created DuhProgressive.com to illustrate the malignant idiocy of our nation’s political leaders, entertainers and popular culture via the wondrous form of satire. However, most of the comments my site receives are from people of the Right who either (a.) do not realize that the great majority of our articles are satirical and believe they are real, or (b.) loath the way which we make our points, or (c.) think we are mocking conservatives and their beliefs. And so here is my point: if you fall into any of these categories, you are a moron, or just intellectually lazy, or both. Sorry to break it to you.

I say this now because I am encountering an increasing amount of people erasing or banning our postings from one of Duh Progressive’s important sources of social media, Facebook. Many fellow Right-leaning colleagues claim that Facebook itself bans their postings because of its political biases. But in fact many are deleted by FB group administrators.

So here I am, six years after that party and that communist’s conceited quip, which will forever stick in me, explaining what the hell satire is to people who, by-and-large, seem determined to prove this little insolent tyrant correct in her arrogant prophesy.

My site has achieved a following of people who know what it is about, what its goals are, and realize that although its articles are not serious, the points they make are entirely serious, entirely real, and must be stated in today’s declining America. I even changed my top menu’s “About” section to a “Mission Statement” (which I highly recommend people read) because so many of my people comment way too often to the effect that our articles are true. And indeed a few of them are true/serious, hence our “TRUE OP-ED” section.

Author and proud Baby Boomer, ex-hippie, and political humorist P.J. O’Rouke wrote a great piece in last January’s AARP Magazine (no cracks on why I’m reading AARP Magazine!) titled “How the Boomers Saved Everything.” Besides O’Rouke’s predictably strident, conceited attitude and failure to mention all the contemporary problems his famously progressive generation created in place of those they erased, O’Rouke did state one of the most profound things I have ever read:

We’re the generation that laughed off totalitarianism. Little wonder that (Baby Boomers) created a political system best known for producing comedy. A Rasmussen poll from a few years ago found that 32 percent of Americans under 40 think that satirical TV programs such as The Daily Show With Jon Stewart are replacing traditional news outlets.

O’Rourke could not be more correct.

As I often say when speaking of our country’s current pop and political culture: I don’t make the rules. I did not create what the Right is facing today, culturally. I do, though, believe I have at least an inkling of how to survive in it. The Duh Progressives and The People’s Cubes are not the answers. We alone will not defeat the Left, nor pretend we will. What we are, though, are simply another tool in the Right’s toolbox; another type of weapon in its arsenal. Satire indeed has a home among conservatism, and it is disheartening to see so many of my people totally immune or even hostile towards it (granted that my brand of satire is a bit more crass and macabre than most). No wonder that my most popular articles became popular due to people actually believing them.

So it’s up to you, fellow Right aisle members. Do you wish to remain calcified in hostility, fear, hatred, and wild-eyed hysteria every moment of your lives, regardless of how often justified? Do you wish to remain on the brink of having a coronary, frozen in a perpetual state of outrage? Or do you think you can find it in you to occasionally —just occasionally— break free from your bitter neurosis, sit back and actually enjoy a chuckle at the absurdity that is today’s culture and political class brought to you in the form of uber-absurdity, satire?

As Mark Twain said, “The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.” Laughing sometimes at the dismal state most of us believe our nation is in does not make you any less determined to fight and change it. And I do not do what I do to downplay or mock our country’s problems or our passion for solving them.

So choose wisely, dear conservatives, the life of our movement depends on it. Are we going to live, or are we going to die? …Please prove that snotty little commie from that party wrong.