Mitt Unleashed–Clash Style: Things I’d Like to Hear Mitt Romney Say

Upon his nomination, I’d like to hear Mitt Romney say the following during his acceptance speech, with Twisted Sister’s “We’re not Going to Take It” playing in the background (despite Dee Snyder’s objections):

Hey Obama, we DID build it and your attempts at tearing it down will end starting January 21, 2013. Start packing.

Yes, I am rich. So what? I worked my butt off for it and I’ll be damned* if I’m going to let Obama and his cronies take away what is rightfully mine and give it to some lazy welfare leech or government bureaucrat to waste. If I want to give my hard earned money to charity, I will, but it is not the job of the government to tell me where I should donate my money via a corrupt tax and redistribution scheme.

I’d like to introduce you to my wife, Anne, who unlike the current residents will add some real class to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. She doesn’t have to spend $4,000 on a dress to look good if you know what I mean. As an added bonus, she won’t tell you how to live your life or give you lectures about what to eat. If my family goes on vacation, I can promise you that it will not be at the taxpayer expense.

I’m a Mormon. I’m proud of my faith and don’t apologize for it. You may not understand it nor do I ask you to try. All I ask is that you give me the same respect that you have given prior presidents and I will promise you one thing: My pastor has never said or never will say, “God damn America.”

If I am elected President, I will not use the White House for my personal entertainment purposes. I will only use it for affairs of the state. I won’t put my feet on the furniture and I won’t smoke it up. The bust of Churchill will once again occupy the Oval Office.

I will make sure that everyone in my Cabinet is up to date on their taxes and that they are citizens of the highest standards. Judges nominated by me will face one litmus test: whether or not they will follow the Constitution as it is written. My guiding principals will be Madison, Jefferson, Franklin, Washington and not Marx, Lenin, Alinsky or Ayres.

Upon day one, we will begin the immediate and unrestricted pursuit of all sources of American energy and any bureaucrat holding up the process will be subject to immediate termination. I will end the practice of preferred subsidies and players in the energy sector will be subject to the free market not cronyism.

Consumers will not be forced to buy products that they don’t like because of government regulations or restrictions. If you want to buy a Chevy Volt or a fluorescent light bulb, it will be by choice and not mandate. This nation will no longer be held hostage by environmental extremists. Energy and ambition are the fuels that drive our economy and they will be restricted and restrained no more.

My first order as Commander in Chief will be to move two Army divisions along the nation’s southern border with one command, “To secure it by all means necessary.”

The only blame I will place on the former administration will be for the second hand smoke stench in the White House. Beyond that, I will take full responsibility for my action or inaction. That’s called real leadership.

Here’s my running mate, Paul Ryan. Is he a great guy or what? I can’t wait for him to take on Joe Biden. Paul could win a debate with Joe Biden if Joe was being fed answers by Barack Obama, Timothy Geithner and Paul Krugman combined. He’s as smart as he is good looking and as an added bonus he promised me that he won’t make racist comments about Indians running convenience stores.

With the help of Paul, we will pass a balanced budget starting in the first 100 days and members of the legislature who are part of the problem and not the solution will be called to task. The blame game must end and we must bring some fiscal responsibility back to this nation’s capitol before we go off the financial cliff that we all know is just down the road being approached at a record pace.

I am a blessed man. I live in the greatest country on earth and it has rewarded me with many material things. I will not apologize for my success nor should we as a country. More importantly, I share the love of a wonderful wife and beautiful family. If America survives the next couple of months under the current administration and I win the heart of the American people this November, I promise that no one will work harder to restore her to her former greatness. I will never apologize for the accomplishments of this nation and I will NEVER surrender its sovereignty to the United Nations or any other organization or country for that matter.

We WILL be great again. We WILL unleash the chains of mediocrity and pessimism. We WILL put America back to work and we WILL be that shining city on a hill once again.
　
*(For the record, I’m generally against swearing as are Mormons, but I’d like to see Mitt take off the Mitts so to speak)

Image courtesy of Austen Hufford