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A Quiet Night Out … Until …

“It was everything that I could do, not to pull this meatbag over the booth and waterboard him with my wife’s spinach dip.” – The Parson

Wasn’t going to share this, but now I think it may be fruitful for those who tend to just bite their upper lip and keep walking. I had a pretty great day yesterday. A hard day at work that turned out to be quite fruitful, a couple of hours enjoying my kids and then a night out with my best girl, Wendy Mae.

The wife and I took an evening walk in downtown Crystal Lake and then stopped in at one of her favorite restaurants for dinner.  We sat at a booth toward the back by the kitchen. We had a  great conversation about our blessings in life, talked about our oldest son growing up and some things about the Church. As we were about to leave, the two couples in the adjoining booth raised the level of their conversation and it changed the night for me. 

In every relationship there is a follower and a leader and in this case, one guy at the table was learning everyone up on the debacle in the Middle East.  According to the middle aged blow hard it was all the fault of some nut who made a youtube video.

I looked at my wife who hadn’t made the connection yet and I started to pray. I prayed hard.  She saw the look on my face and I think she started to pray. I prayed that I wouldn’t end up in jail after pulling this meatbag over the bench seat and planting his pie-hole into the residue of our Public House spinach dip.  I expressed these feelings to my wife; she told me not to get angry.  Too late. I felt a bit out of control so I said that I’d be cool and it was time to go.

In the meantime, meatbag and the trio of density that was his entourage continued to yuck  it up over the “idiot” who made the film and instigated “those people”. We stood to walk away; I bit my upper lip, but I couldn’t help but look.  I slowed down.  My wife continued toward the door … I turned around.

And here was the result of my prayers being answered.  I didn’t lift a hand but I did interrupt.  It went something like this:”I couldn’t help but hear you folks talking about “that movie”.  I’m sorry, I’m John, what was your name” … looking at meatbag.  

Meatbag answers, “Roy, I’m Roy.”

I go on, “So, Roy, I don’t know if you know this but when the protesters in Egypt were interviewed, not one of them expressed concern or even knowledge of any youtube video, did you know that?”

Roy, who pretty much knows all, added that he knew that. Wow.

I went on. “Now, forgive me for interrupting your dinner, but I have a bit of a bias about this whole thing. You see, I have two brothers over there and I’m an American!”

I’m only looking at Roy right now.  Still pissed and still praying, I lean in, “Roy, tell me something friend; What would I have to do to you to instigate you to, oh, I don’t know, premeditate an attack on me that includes blowing up my car, killing my body guards, torturing me for hours, and then f*#&-ing me in the @– with a metal pole and a knife before you strangle or hang me?  Would a cartoon be enough?  How about an Ed Wood-like youtube video?  Maybe, if I urinate on your copy of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL?”

The table was pretty much speechless at this point.  Meatbag was silent. I pushed back from the table and yeah, it felt good and it still feels good.  I hope Meatbag enjoyed the rest of his Seafood Diablo.

John Kirkwood

John Kirkwood is a son of Issachar. He is a Zionist, gun-toting, cigar-smoking, incandescent light bulb-using, 3.2 gallon flushing, fur-wearing, Chinese (MSG) eating, bow-hunting, SUV driving, unhyphenated American man who loves his wife, isn't ashamed of his country and does not apologize for his Christianity. He Pastors Grace Gospel Fellowship Bensenville, where "we the people" seek to honor "In God we Trust." He hosts the Christian wake up call IN THE ARENA every Sunday at noon on AM 1160 and he co-hosts UnCommon Sense, the Christian Worldview with a double shot of espresso on He is the proud homeschooling dad of Konnor, Karter and Payton and the "blessed from heaven above" husband of the Righteous and Rowdy Wendymae.

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