(Note: the following piece is satire)
by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, official DP Muslim Civil War Re-enactor
August 28th, 2012,
(NEW YORK) — “ ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy…What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet,” wrote Shakespeare in Romeo & Juliet. But apparently thy name is no longer so sweet for actor Kevin Bacon.
Bowing to pressure from various Muslim groups such as CAIR (Center for American–Islamic Relations), the iconic actor and musician has publically vowed to change his last name. The reason: although many Muslims, like most Americans, watch films featuring the seemingly omnipresent actor, his last name has become a source of “discomfort,” as it is a byproduct of pork, a strictly forbidden meat within the Islamic faith.
The star of Footloose, A Few Good Men, Mystic River and countless other films issued a press release Tuesday afetrnoon announcing he will be changing his last name “due to increasing demand from the Muslim community to be able to enjoy my films while not having to be reminded of the filthy, horrid meat so common among ‘infidels.’ ”
Although Bacon did not state what new name he would adopt to appease America’s Muslim community, the actor’s press statement Tuesday made it clear he would be formally changing his surname within the month.
Said the now Artist-Formally-Known-As Bacon in his statement:
“Although the Bacon family has held our name humbly and innocuously throughout generations, I had no idea it was causing members of our Muslim community discomfort and impeding their enjoyment of my films and music. It is with great apologies to CAIR and other representatives of the Islamic community that I hereby renounce my surname of ‘Bacon,’ since it is a source of revulsion to some of the Muslim community.…Had I known my name would be provoking the thought of such a cultural dietary taboo, I would have begun my acting career in 1978 under a different name. I extend my sincerest apologies to any members of the Muslim community who may have taken offense to my porcine name.”
– Kevin Soon-Not-To-Be Bacon
Bacon’s renouncement of his last name comes after several incidents across the nation in which strips of bacon have been left on the steps of Islamic mosques and at Staten Island’s New Drop Beach Park on August 20th, where hundreds of Muslims gathered to celebrate the end of the holy month of Ramadan, prompting police to “probe” the placement of the lifeless pork slices as a “hate crime.” Reactions within social media outlets to such incidents have resulted in declarations such as an official “Bacon Appreciation Day” (September 1st) according to Facebook’s “BACON APPRECIATION DAY” home page, which is so shockingly insensitive that the esteemed journalists at Duh Progressive have become very upset and must pause from writing about it for a moment…
…Okay, we are back.
According to Islamic spokespeoplepersonisndividuals such as CAIR’s National Communications Director, Ibrahim Hooper, who had vowed a boycott Kevin Bacon’s movies until the actor changed his last name to something less offensive, Bacon’s announcement is bitter sweet; a case of “too little, too late.”
Said Hooper on Tuesday to Duh Progressive, “We are pleased that our requests for Kevin You-Know-Who to change his name have been finally met. But that doesn’t replace all those years of trying to enjoy his movies while not thinking about the sacrilegious meat he symbolized.”
However, prominent leaders of other non-pork-eating religions are voicing support for Kevin Bacon, counter-demanding the actor not change his name. Rosalind Jekowsky, Vice President of the Jewish Community Relationship Council of San Francisco, said she would “re-boycott” Bacon’s movies if the 54-year-old actor did change his name. “I’ve watched Kevin Bacon ever since Animal House; enjoyed all his work…shoot, even Hallow Man!” Jekowsky said Tuesday, adding, “Hey, a number of religions reject pork, but why it is only Muslims get to change an entire family’s surname because it abstractly ‘offends them?’ Why do they care and we (Jews) don’t?”
Continued Jekowsky, “To bully (Bacon) into changing his name to appease a fraction of Muslims who even care is the epitome of political correctness run amuck. …So we urge people of sound mind everywhere to counter-boycott (Bacon) upon his announcing his new name. That’s the only reasonable course of action.”
Although there is yet no word on what new name will replace Kevin Bacon’s Bacon, sources close to the actor’s wife, actress Kyra Sedgwick, claim Bacon is toying with several possible names guaranteed not to offend the U.S.’s Muslim community, among which are Kevin Hummus, Kevin Lambshanks, Kevin Shish Kabobs, Kevin Kabob, Kevin al-Mufti, or Kevin…………
BREAKING: As of 6:02 PM, PT, Kevin Bacon’s manager, Stacey Boniello, said that in response to demands from numerous and prominent leaders of the Muslim community (all five of them) to change his last name, he has chosen a last name “accommodating fans of all faiths, particularly Muslims.” As of next month, Kevin Bacon will be known as “Kevin Nine Eleven.”
“Great to meet you, Mr. Nine Eleven! Can I have your autograph, please?”
(Note: This piece is satire).
Nick Taxia will be hosting The American Hour blog show, Wednesday night, 9/5. For more details go to http://www.usaradionetwork.com/tom.htm