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2012 ElectionOpinionPoliticsSports

Any Given Election Day — Fantasy Football Meets the GOP

It is hard to believe that summer is nearly over already, but the dropping temperatures and changing leaves indicate that we are rapidly approaching autumn and that means it’s TIME TO DRAFT! Every year about this time, Americans all across this great land sit down around a table, pencils behind ears and rolled up papers clenched in anxious fists, to participate in that age-old tradition of drafting their fantasy football teams. Since it’s an election year, why not have a Conservative Fantasy Football Draft? For all of you gamers out there, trying to prep for your drafts, here’s my 2012 All-Hamilton team:
Any good football team has a solid brain-trust on the sidelines. My team is no different. I hand the clipboard to El Rushbo himself. Along with his two coordinators, Mark Levin on Defense and Michael Savage on Offense, I fully expect Rush to bring home the trophy every year. These guys have more mileage than Lindsey Lohan’s ankle tether and won’t take nuthin’ from nobody.
There’s a bit of drama on the offensive side of the locker room. If given free reign, we would’ve had a young hotshot under center this season, but in the off-season the fans clamored for a player who wouldn’t have been my first choice. So in the interest of mollifying my steadfast fan base, I installed Mitt Romney as my quarterback. However, the boys and I in the front office have made it clear to Mitt that he’s on a very short leash.

My running game is the best in the league and I owe it all to our tandem in the backfield. Marco Rubio carries the rock, while my All-Star fullback, #49 Sarah Palin, carves out holes for him to run through. We’ve got some big boys up front on my offensive line. From left to right, there is Jon Voight at Left Tackle, Mike Huckabee is my Left Guard, Sean Hannity at Center, John Boehner at Right Guard, and Mike Pence is the Right Tackle. I have some questions about our Guards, but they get it right more often than they get it wrong and The Governor sure is a load when he pulls on a Sweep Right.
Rounding out this offense is a pair of sure-handed wide receivers in Glenn Beck and Donald Trump. We’re even able to save some equipment funds, since Trump refuses to wear a helmet. One of the hidden gems of my offense is my slot receiver. He doesn’t make it on the field in every formation, but when he does Rand Paul is a potent source of yardage. Finally, no offense is complete without a Tight End. We went deep and called on ‘Da Coach. That’s right. Mike Ditka is my Tight End. Don’t make him throw his gum at youse..
Special Teams
With some organizations, the Special Teams unit seems to be an after-thought. Not so here. We’re focused on fundamentals and it doesn’t get any more fundamental than Kicking and Returning Kicks. My place-kicker is none other than Rick Santorum. Dennis Prager and Michelle Malkin handle my kick return duties, and Joe Scarborough as my punter. And yes, he has one of those one-bar facemasks. I made sure it’s contractually-obligated.
Defense wins championships. We run a 4-3 and have an effective nickel package to boot. Starting in the trenches, my defensive line consists of the Ragin’ Cajun Bobby Jindal at Left Defensive End, paired with his fellow Southern Gubernatorial partner, Nikki Haley at Right DE. In between these two pass-rushers are Defensive Tackles Ted Nugent and Sherriff Joe. Ain’t nobody, and I mean NOBODY, gettin’ by those boys. They’ll have your QB ralphing more than Willie Beamen.
Right behind this fearsome front, we’ve got the anchor of my linebacking core: Chris Christie – Middle Linebacker. On either side of Christie is Joe Walsh, Weak-side Linebacker, and his partner, Scott Walker, Strong-side Linebacker. This group is just as potent, whether assigned to pass rushing or coverage. They will make you pay.
Finally, my defensive backfield. You may have heard of lock-down cornerbacks before, but you haven’t really experienced being locked down until you’ve been blanketed by either Ron Paul or Paul Ryan. I’ve had to assign a media consultant to Ronnie. He just gives the kookiest post-game interviews. But he’s a fan-favorite and lives to intercept Quantitative Easing attempts.

They keep it tight on the corners and force the action into the middle of the field, where you’ll find Phyllis Schafly on the prowl as Strong Safety. She’s backed up by my Free Safety, Michelle Bachmann. If I need some extra coverage, I’ve got David Barton on the sidelines as Nickel back.

Of course, Chuck Woolery calls all of our games with Dennis Miller as the color guy. And before each game, we bend a knee as Franklin Graham says a prayer or two.
Hope this helps as you map out Bye Weeks and assemble your own Fantasy Football teams. Let’s hit the field hard this season, shall we? I have a feeling that Christmas is coming early this year..

Think I overlooked someone or disagree with my position assignments? Let me know in the comments!

Luke Hamilton

Luke Hamilton is classically-trained, Shakespearean actor from Eugene, Oregon who happens to be a liberty-loving, right-wing, Christian constitutionalist. When not penning columns for, Hamilton spends his time astride the Illinois-Wisconsin border, leading bands of liberty-starved citizens from the progressive gulags of Illinois to [relative] freedom. Hamilton is the creative mind/voice behind Pillar & Cloud Productions, a budding production company which resides at He owes all to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, whose strength is perfected in his weakness.