Pelosi on Sequester: ‘Millions of Americans have already died and don’t even know it!’’

Written by Nick Taxia on March 12, 2013

489px-Nancy_Pelosi,_official_photo_portrait,_111th_CongressThe following is satire.

by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor, Tuesday, March 12, 2013,

(WASHINGTON) —As the nation plunged further into the financial abyss commonly known as sequestration Tuesday, House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi added her say to the mainly Democrat–dominated drumbeat of sequestration opponents.

Sounding further alarm bells on the damage automatic federal budget cuts could leave in their wake, Pelosi (D–CA), spoke on the Capitol steps Tuesday afternoon, saying that regardless how long sequestration may last, the damage is already worse than could be possibly imagined and that “billions” of Americans have or are going to be affected in the worst way. Said Pelosi, “This (sequestration) my Republican colleagues have allowed to happen has left unprecedented damage to so many people. Millions of Americans have already died and don’t even know it.”

When asked by Capitol reporters of any statistics or official reports of “millions of the billions” of the nation’s estimated 310 million residents dying at the hands of Republican-lead budget cuts, Pelosi responded hotly, “Just ask those four billion Americans now who are dead, who have died in open sewers, jobless, starving, with no hope. And are dead. Go out and ask those three to four million dead people themselves if you want proof. They’re everywhere.”

Other Democrat colleagues are echoing Pelosi’s fears and claims, but remain not as extreme in their predictions. Steering away from Pelosi’s claims that billions, if not just four million Americans, have already died, House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer told reporters that his main fear now that sequestration is taking effect is the Earth’s ability to defend itself against menacing inbound asteroids. Hoyer (D-MD) said that while the federal government, along with NASA and other space agencies, are “scrambling desperately” to find new ways of deflecting asteroids now that Republicans have allowed funds for the nation’s famed Planetary Asteroid Diversion Interceptor to dry up, Hoyer said he has other concerns of equal severity.

Lamented Hoyer to Capitol reporters, “And the asteroid threat is just the tip of the danger Republicans have put us in. Just think of all the lawnmowers that will be spontaneously lurching out of their owners’ hands this summer and plow their way over kittens, or run over baby rabbits or helpless puppies. There’s also the zombie threat no one is talking about. That’s where the GOP’s adherence to this draconian belief in less taxes and government spending has left us.”

Pelosi just may be positioning herself to regain the Speakership of the House as the overall climate in Washington turns from marveling at President Obama’s second term to the 2014 mid-term elections. Without a formidable Democrat retake of the House and maintaining their grip on the Senate, analysts say President Obama stands to have only 90-percent of his agenda passed in his second term (a humiliating defeat by Obama’s standards). Consequently Pelosi’s dire observations of millions of Americans already dead and dying due to sequestration’s $85 billion in federal budget cuts may be just that —dire posturing— according to Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA).

“I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen one dead body or scenes of genocide yet because of sequestration,” Cantor said to Duh Progressive Tuesday. “Now I did see a dead squirrel in the road as I came into work today. But it had been run over, flat as a pancake.”

But Cantor’s dead squirrel serves only as even further proof that sequestration is worse than expected, according to Pelosi, costing not only the lives of “millions of the billions of Americans,” but has grown into a major threat against animal life on the planet as well. Said a flustered Pelosi as she slapped her palm to her head, “See? See?! What more proof do you want? Millions of Americans are dead without knowing it, and this poor squirrel Mr. Cantor so callously calls a ‘pancake’ was so upset (over sequestration) that it threw itself under a car. …How much more carnage can America take?”

Dr. Peter Venkman, Professor of Paranormal Economics at New York University agreed with Pelosi’s observations and fellow Democrats’ predictions on how bad shaving $85 billion from a $3.6 TRILLION annual federal budget, or roughly 2.4 percent of annual federal spending will be. Professor Venkman, 42, along with his colleagues at NYU’s Department of Paranormal Economics, Drs. Raymond Stantz, 40, and Egon Spengler, 44, issued a press release on behalf of NYU’s economic department Wednesday echoing Pelosi’s prediction and promising new and unimaginable devastation if Congress and the President cannot agree on a budget resolution ending the built-in across the board spending cuts.

“What (we) mean is Old Testament … real wrath-of-God type stuff,” wrote Professor Stantz in the trio’s statement. “Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling! … Forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes … The dead rising from the grave!”

Continued Dr. Venkman, “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!”

(Duh Progressive would like to thank the Ghostbusters and the year 1984 for their input with this article)

The preceding is satire.

Image: Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA);; public domain

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.