The following is satire.
by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP staff,
(DENVER) —A Colorado lawmaker who apologized last month for suggesting women should use a whistle instead of a gun to ward off rapists is in hot water again. Democrat state senator Joe Salazar said before the senate Monday he had been wrong for suggesting women’s best defense against rape was to carry a whistle to blow, although he maintained his anti-armed/gun stance, offering even more colorful prevention methods for women.
“I admit, I was wrong about the whistle thing,” said Salazar. “It’s really Chipotle that is the best defense against rape. …You try raping a woman who’s been eating Chipotle and you’ll be in for one hell of a shock and regret …and mess!”
Silence reigned throughout the senate chamber after Salazar’s “Chipotle rape prevention” suggestion. Salazar, fearing he had perhaps again committed another anti-rape faux pas in the name of gun control tried to clarify his newest suggestion. “…Or maybe some extra-spicy Indian food…or some old Taco Bell burrito women could carry around in their purse and eat real quick before being attacked. Or even squirt some Visine down your throat.”
As senate colleagues still sat with mouths agape, Salazar continued, “We need to study multiple steps women can take to fend off rapists without using guns. But I’m telling you: a quick downing of Chipotle will do the trick.”
The McDonald’s-owned Chipotle franchise has grown nationwide for people seeking quick servings of decent Mexican food at affordable prices. Chipotle has also become the brunt of jokes about its food causing diarrhea and other gastrointestinal problems among unsuspecting consumers.
Years ago Italian food was synonymous with uncontrollable flatulence and “solid” waste eruptions, then Chinese food and the popular growth of sushi in the 1990s, followed by Indian food last decade. Now Chipotle holds the unfortunate stereotype of wreaking havoc among consumers’ bowels, although the chain continues to grow in popularity.
“These are certainly explosive suggestions,” said Republican state senator Bill Cadman. “We all want women to protect themselves. But we still think carrying a firearm is the best defense for Colorado’s women, not carrying around some Chipotle burrito they’d have to wolf down in a second —literally a second— and pray it causes explosive diarrhea before her attacker has the chance to assault her.”
Fellow Democrat and Senator Mary Hodge agreed with Sen. Cadman, criticizing Salazar yet again for “ridiculous, implausible” suggestions on how women can prevent a rape without using a gun. Said an apparently angry Hodge to Senator Salazar after the senate’s adjournment Monday, “So, Joe, let me get this straight: I’m walking out to my car at night and am approached by a man that grabs me and begins assaulting me… You expect me to eat a red hot chili pepper Chipotle burrito in less than a second and then hope its effects hit me in time so I can uncontrollably excrete all over the guy, thereby warding him off and preventing a rape? Are you serious?”
Replied Salazar, “O-Okay then, how about Indian food or even some beans..? Anything that would cause an explosion in ‘that area’ in short order, you know?”
“Nonsense!” retorted Hodge. “Everyone knows that a milkshake made with curdled milk is the best defense against rapists!”
“Explosive” Infighting Compounds Senator’s Pleas
Among Salazar’s detractors are not only his fellow lawmakers, but the heads of various fast food chains (local and state). Said Huang Liu Chung, owner of Colorado’s largest Chinese take-out chain, Ming Dynasty Take-Out, to reporters Monday, “Senator Sarazar’s craims that eating Chipotre in the moments before an attack wirr cause quick enough ‘expursions ’ to ward off sex attacker are absurd. Anyone who’s ever eaten Ming Dynasty Take-Out know they wirr feer the effects within seconds! We are the champions of uncontrorrable expursions, and any woman who varues their safety knows it is Ming Dynasty they need to eat as they’re getting attacked, not Chipotre crap!”
Added Chung, “Senator Sarazar is prooving he is just in the pocket of Big Chipotre!”
William C. Weldon, CEO of Johnson & Johnson, which owns Visine, also chimed in Monday with his input on Senator Salazar’s Chipotle suggestion. Defending his product’s longtime reputation of causing involuntary diarrhea if ingested orally, Weldon issued a public statement condemning Salazar’s “Chipotle promotion,” saying that adding a few drops of Visine to any food would produce the effects Salazar hopes would ward off potential rapists. “It is not just an old wives’ tale,” said Weldon, “but ingesting Visine will cause explosive gas and fecal matter in a way never conceived by the recipient or the person attacking her. It is Visine women should carry with them at all times to prevent rape, not spicy ethnic foods.”
“That’s why we invented Visine in the first place,” Weldon added, “so people could play vicious pranks on each other by lacing each others’ food and causing uncontrollable diarrhea. Only years later did we discover (Visine) was also good at relieving dry, irritated eyes.”
Some non-food providers are also offering other solutions to Sen. Salazar’s how-to-prevent-rape suggestions. James Debney, CEO of the popular gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson was asked by reporters about the Salazar-Chipotle fray. Commented Debney to Duh Progressive, “All these (food-diarrhea) suggestions are well-intentioned. But I’ve never have heard of a rapist being stopped by a woman who had just eaten bowel-relieving foods. (Women) can try it, or even the whistle thing if they want. Good luck.”
Added Debney, “A woman can eat all these ‘explosive’ foods and Visine she wants, but nothing can stop a rapist better than offering him a .357 Magnum for ‘dessert.’ Let your potential rapist dine on a .44 hollow point and see how it goes. It’s kinda hard to rape someone when half of your face and skull are missing …studies have shown.”
The preceding is satire.
Lower Image: Restaurant Chipottle Mexican Grill in Chicago; source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ tacvbo/1011414784/sizes/l/; Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license