Study: Socialism Works 98% of the Time It Is Imagined

Written by Nick Taxia on May 14, 2013

University researchers surveyed hundreds of economics, sociology and psychology majors on whether a system in which all citizens are made equal via uniform reductions in material possessions, income, healthcare, physical mobility, education, etc., could succeed.   Unsurprisingly, say UH officials, 96% of students responded yes; when they fantasized that it could work, it worked.  “In their minds, everyone was happy and thrilled to be unable to receive or achieve more than anyone else,” said lead UH researcher Darlene DeLaet to Duh Progressive. “People loved the idea of pricing themselves out of a job so they could share that common bind of being jobless, or nearly jobless and destitute.  Hence, the system works. We’re very proud, needless to say.”  

“We did have some naysayers among our campus subjects,” said DeLaet, who surveyed students across the Hawaiian campus last year.  “They began to ask questions, too many questions; ‘Why should I have to work if my neighbor refuses to…?’ …‘What about the efficiency of a one-size-fits-all benefit system?’… ‘How can this remain economically sustainable?’, ‘ What about this’ and ‘what about that…’ It became quite a nuisance.”

Consequently, said DeLaet, the students who questioned the workability of the socialist system were not allowed to leave their testing facility until they agreed it could be an everlasting success.  “They tried to leave, but we wouldn’t let them,” stated DeLaet proudly.  “In fact, we had to take away their cell phones and internet access so they couldn’t reach the outside world for other opinions.”

DeLaet said that after a few attempts to escape, the University had to construct a concrete wall around the building where the students were being surveyed.  “We had to put up guard towers and barbed wire around the whole facility.  It was quite unfortunate,” said DeLaet.  “Honestly, as researchers we were open to all ideas and interpretations, which is why no one could leave until they agreed with ours.”

Eventually some students did manage to tunnel their way out of the testing facility, according to Director Halbert.  “But we tracked most of the traitors down,” the director said Friday.  “We just couldn’t let the imagining process be tainted by their pessimism. …We brought them back and showed them photos of their relatives tied up and beaten.  They professed to imagining Socialism working flawlessly after that.”
Added head researcher DeLaet Friday. “It took some time, some struggle, yes.  What great strides in human evolution don’t?   So in the end the study was conclusive.  Who can argue with 98-percent agreement?”

UPDATE: U.S. Coast Guard personnel are continuing their search for at least 18 University of Hawaii students, last spotted paddling out to see off the coast of Honolulu. Chinese and Cuban naval personnel are helping the U.S. search for the escaping students.

The preceding is satire.

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Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.