I Want a Refund! Smith and Wesson Handgun Disappoints

Published on June 5, 2013

I returned home to again find that it had again failed to kill my neighbor. There it was, sitting lifeless on my table, as if it was mocking me. For a second time I consulted the gun’s packaging in search of an explanation. I realized I had not disabled the safety on the gun. I quickly flipped the safety off, and then sprinted out of the house, lest the gun should confuse me for my neighbor. With the safety off, I knew I was not safe in my home until the gun had it’s bloodlust satisfied. I sat in my car outside waiting for some sign it had fulfilled it’s purpose. 

After the fifth day of sleeping in my car I could no long bear the suspense and stress. The heat was driving me insane, and watching my neighbor drive in and house carefree only furthered my agony. I was tired of living in anticipation, and knew I was not safe so long as that gun knew where I lived. Distraught, disgusted, and perhaps a little drowsy, I committed to to end the downward spiral that my life had dissolved into after purchasing your gun. I cautiously crept into my house to see the gun resting exactly where I had left it. I crept behind it, grabbed it, raised it to my temple and fired, just like I had seen in the movies.

Not only did your POS gun refuse to kill my neighbor, but the little green plastic balls it fires barely gave me a bruise. You may have the media and everyone else convinced that your guns are the instruments of death and will kill, but I know the truth and demand a refund so I can get on with my life. I want to make it clear to anyone reading this that guns do not kill people, and that’s the problem. 

Lastly, I can not believe that law enforcement are duped into purchasing and carrying your harmless product, armed with guns seemingly made from plastic shooting tiny plastic green balls, I don’t know how our country is able to defend itself. 

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(The preceding is satire.)

P KanePatrick is a political activist based out of Boulder Colorado. He is currently employed by several of Colorado’s preeminent think tanks and has worked in the liberty movement since he was fourteen. An aspiring writer, Patrick currently writes for Girls Just Want To Have Guns and Complete Colorado Page Two.

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