A Presidential Battle Royal

Written by Andrew Linn on July 22, 2013

465px-Presidents_of_the_United_States,_1861Last fall, a blogger by the name of Geoff Micks produced an article on who would win in a massive knife fight among all the Presidents (living and dead).

Geoff Micks’s blog can be found here if you want to see his predictions: http://faceintheblue.wordpress.com/about/

But let’s try something a little less extreme. For all you wrestling fans out there, I decided a battle royal would be better. It would consist of all the Presidents (living and dead) in a typical wrestling ring. The rules are simple: over the top rope, both feet hit the floor — you are eliminated. And now for the order of elimination.

1. Franklin D. Roosevelt. The wrestling ring is wheelchair accessible, thus he would have to rely on the ropes for support. So unless Teddy is there to protect him (which he wouldn’t be able to do for long) any of FDR’s opponents would have little trouble tossing him out.

2. Jimmy Carter. Let’s face it — the man was a wuss, although he did serve in the Navy. But he was ineffective when it came to foreign policy, which makes him an easy target.

3. Bill Clinton. He might have his temper tantrums on occasion, but that is nowhere near enough to make him a contender. Like Carter, he was ineffective at foreign policy, and he will be right behind him on being tossed out of the ring.

4. Grover Cleveland. This guy paid someone $150 to fight in his place during the Civil War. He did get elected as Sheriff of Erie County, New York several years after the war, but served only one time.

5. Herbert Hoover. He was ineffective at dealing with the Great Depression, so I’m sure he might not be much of a fighter either.

6. John Tyler. Unless William Henry Harrison (his predecessor) comes to his aid, he won’t be in the ring long.

7. Millard Fillmore. He supported the Compromise of 1850 in order to appease the South, so it’s safe to say he wouldn’t last long.

8. James Buchanan. He was indecisive in dealing with the Deep South seceding, thus he wouldn’t last long either.

9. James Madison. Although he was Father of the Constitution, his short stature and lack of military experience would make him an easy target.

10. Andrew Johnson. The first President to be impeached, and he was unsuccessful at Reconstruction.

11. Woodrow Wilson. He led America into World War I, but was ineffective in the postwar settlement.

12. Warren G. Harding. He has been listed as a lover, not a fighter, and some say he was more of a philanderer than Bill Clinton.

13. James K. Polk. Led America during the Mexican War, but I really don’t see him lasting too long.

14. Barack Obama. He likes to talk tough and act tough, but will not help him in the ring. He’s lucky to have lasted this long.

15. Calvin Coolidge. His laid-back personality might have been good for America during the 1920s, but not in the ring.

16. Thomas Jefferson. Father of the Declaration of Independence, but when comes to competing in the ring, that’s all he wrote.

17. Abraham Lincoln. His military experience was limited to less than two months as a militia captain in the Black Hawk War without seeing any combat.

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Andrew Linn
Andrew Linn is a member of the Owensboro Tea Party and a former Field Representative for the Media Research Center. An ex-Democrat, he became a Republican one week after the 2008 Presidential Election. He has an M.A. in history from the University of Louisville, where he became a member of the Phi Alpha Theta historical honors society. He has also contributed to examiner.com and Right Impulse Media.