College Student: Colorado Flood Problems Not Bad Compared to Africa’s!

Written by Patrick Kane on September 18, 2013

The Following is Satire.

Boulder, Colorado– In the midst of unprecedented floods in Boulder and other Colorado cities, area college student, Caity Cinch, insists on comparing all of the flood victims problems to those in third world countries. “I know you’ve got, like, nine inches of water in your houses, but can you imagine living in, like, Africa where they don’t have any water at all? Even with thousands of homes destroyed, and thousands more looking for shelter we still have it pretty good here.”

Despite not being taken seriously by anyone around her, Cinch still insists on somehow working Third World problems into every conversation she has. “No, but seriously, we don’t have it bad here … like, at all, and all this negativity and complaining when some have it so much worse really bothers me,” said Cinch to a newly homeless man standing in seven inches of water.

“I just wish that before people complain about their flooded homes or rusted out cars that they would just consider people in Africa for, like, a second,” says Cinch to a local family as they evacuate their underwater homes. “Just because you lost everything you own doesn’t mean you have to be so negative about it. Some people don’t own anything and look at how happy I assume they are”

Despite living in a sixth floor apartment complex that was totally unaffected by the flood, Cinch insists that everyone’s problems are, “relatively not that bad” and that anyone complaining about damaged property should, “go live in, like, Haiti for awhile.”

When asked by a local Red Cross worker for a donation to the flood victims, Cinch reportedly told the volunteer, “I helped dig almost two wells in a village in Bolivia last summer, don’t lecture me about helping others,” before indignantly walking away.

Cinch went on to tell reporters that if only the rest of the world had helped dig those two wells in Bolivia, they would realize that they don’t need things like homes or dry clothes to be happy. Cinch’s friends report that since her fateful half week long mission to Bolivia, Cinch hasn’t gone a day without bringing it up since.

Daughter of a wealthy family, Cinch insists Americans are, “too materialistic” and should learn to appreciate the things they have, even if they are buried under several feet of rancid flood water. “I mean, people in a poor South American country wouldn’t care if their things got wet. It’s not like a little water ever hurt anyone, Americans just need to learn to live with less and like it. Unless you live in a third world country, you have no right to complain about anything ever.”

Update: Three dead in Colorado floods

The Preceding is Satire.

Follow the Author Patrick Kane at or on Twitter @PatVKane

Image: FEMA Photo Library; author: Steve Zumwalt/FEMA; public domain

Patrick Kane is a political activist based out of Boulder Colorado. He is currently employed by several of Colorado's preeminent think tanks and has worked in the liberty movement since he was fourteen. An aspiring writer, Patrick currently writes for Girls Just Want To Have Guns and Complete Colorado Page Two.