The Following is Satire.
My Fellow Americans,
I have not been deaf to the outcry over the impacts of the Affordable Care Act, be it our troubled enrollment web site (which I wholeheartedly take responsibility for; my bad. Sorry!), or the loss of millions of Americans’ healthcare plans they use to be on, or their jobs, or the drastic increase in their insurance premiums, or loss of healthcare if one has been diagnosed with some horribly incurable disease…or whatever other hideous ailments may plague people.
I, Kathleen Sebelius, your Health and Human Service Secretary, am here to tell that yes, “Obamacare” has turned out to be a total disaster (as it’s meant to be; how else were we to get everyone a single–payer system? –Bpsssst!!). But have no worries, because all your fears and what you are finding wrong with “Obamacare” will be cured…when you’re all dead.
The Affordable Care Act does have its problems. Just the other day the Congressional Budget Office issued its newest of predictions which (again) estimated that even after Obamacare is fully implemented 30 million Americans will still —still— be left with no health insurance. Undoubtedly those 30 million will become yet a new, government-created drag on the rest who do have insurance. Again, just like we pla… No, sorry, it’s so unfortunate and sad. Truly.
People can expect to be denied drugs they are now on, pay double for some others, and wait sometimes hours more in emergency rooms and doctors offices. Thousands of doctors, particularly ye ol’ trusted general practitioner (the “family doctor”) will leave the profession, and thousands more will choose not to go into it. Drastic increases in plan premiums will suck spending money out of peoples’ pockets, their life savings, and sucking money out of the economy in general. The entire way and quality of life will be reduced across the board for (mainly) the middle class. We were counting on young adults, who don’t even know what planet they’re on half the time, to be socially responsible and sign up to offset the (now) inevitable spikes in costs the ACA will cause. But they’re not! Heh! Go figure.
These are all facts, my fellow Americans. But hey, no worries… “Don’t worry, be happy…doooo-doo-doot-doot-doo-dee-doooo…” (Sorry. I love that song!). Honestly though, don’t worry, guys —all these problems will be totally fixed when you’ve passed away; died; “kicked the bucket” as they say; cashed in your chips; bought the farm; met your maker; filled your pants for the last time.
Why, just last Monday a new AP poll showed a great majority of insured think their job-based health coverage will change greatly, and not for the better. Fifty-nine percent said their co-pays and deductibles are already increasing, and 69% said their premiums will go up next year. And don’t get me started about the security risks with Healthcare.gov; no one’s private health or financial information will be safe even if a three-year-old tried to hack into it, or if our “healthcare navigators” don’t steal it and sell it to identity thieves (that’s while they’re not telling you to lie about your medical history or completely misleading you during the signup process). And I’m not denying any of that, America! I’m your Health and Human Services Secretary, and I take responsibility. I also urge you to realize that all this pain will be over one day (i.e. your last day). So why complain about it that much? Why all the fretting?
Look, I’m not going to pretend that the implementation of Obamacare hasn’t put a damper on a lot of holiday cheer, and good cheer in general in this country. That’s why I’m here to cheer you all up and to help look on the bright side of life…by simply looking forward to its end. After all, we’re all gonna be dead and stinkin’ one day, so let’s get used to it, and then maybe the living hell your healthcare experience is going to be won’t seem so bad. Trust me, there’s no problem with Obamacare that won’t be cured for you upon your demise. I’m just trying to help here, America.
Anyway, take care —that’s extra physical care these days— and have a Happy Holiday, or “Plausible Deity Recognition Day” as our First Lady puts it.
—Cheers,
Kathleen Sebelius,
U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary
The Preceding is Satire.
About the author, Nick Taxia: Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian. View all articles by Nick Taxia
