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Heads up! New Year’s Resolutions for the Rich and Famous

Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering ‘it will be happier’…” 

� Alfred Tennyson

The New Year; it’s a clean slate, a fresh start.  Or, quite possibly, just another year of unfulfilled resolutions.   But today, at the threshold Tennyson spoke of, there is promise.   There exists the euphoric possibility of a better tomorrow and, in turn, a better us. 

The elliptical turned coat-rack in my bedroom is proof positive resolutions and I aren’t exactly on friendly terms. I should probably reacquaint myself with the idea of daily exercise, drinking more water, cursing less, and a slew of other clichéd resolutions I’ll forget by Super Bowl Sunday.  Lest I succeed this year and lose the closet extender, I’ve decided to offer up suggested resolutions for the more famous [infamous] among us instead.

First up, Beyoncé.  2013 was an interesting year for Mrs. Carter.  After major backlash lip syncing the National Anthem at the Presidential Inauguration and a Super Bowl appearance that left little to the imagination, things settled down quite nicely.  She won a Grammy.  Then, like any mega success, Beyoncé took a jaunt to Cuba.  I mean, who wouldn’t need a good “cultural exchange” after all that?  After spending months touring, she released her fifth album.  I shouldn’t be surprised it was hailed a success, the greatest thing since sliced bread, brilliant, amazing, and OMG it’s just totally the BEST!!

I wonder, how do the fans excuse the song XO? 

“I love it like XO
You love me like XO
You kill me boy XO
You love me like XO
All that I see
Give me everything
Baby love me lights out
Baby love me lights out
You can turn my lights out”

That’s some lyrical magic right there.  The most profound thing I’ve read since, well, ever.  The song reads like two star crossed lovers catching each other’s eye across a crowded night club.  I can only assume the “You kill me” line refers to the venereal disease someone is catching before dawn breaks.  Which makes the audio at the beginning downright puzzling.  

NASA’s Steve Nesbitt can be heard, echoing the horror and fear we all felt on that cold January day in 1986.  “Flight controllers here looking very carefully at the situation. Obviously a major malfunction.”  What the ever loving hell does hooking up have to do with one of the greatest tragedies in NASA’s history?  

Not content to just apologize, Beyoncé released the following statement:

My heart goes out to the families of those lost in the Challenger disaster. The song ‘XO’ was recorded with the sincerest intention to help heal those who have lost loved ones and to remind us that unexpected things happen, so love and appreciate every minute that you have with those who mean the most to you. The songwriters included the audio in tribute to the unselfish work of the Challenger crew with hope that they will never be forgotten.

Beyoncé, repeat after me, “In 2014, I resolve to do what I am good at, sing and shake my ass.  I will leave the big words to my new PR people.”  (I’m assuming she fired the ones that allowed her to release the massive amount of BS above).

This one is for Raven-Symone, Jason Collins, Anderson Cooper, Robin Roberts, Victor Garber, Jodie Foster, Clive Davis, the creepy kid that does the Fred videos, and Bradley Manning.  No one cares if you’re in or out.  Keep on acting, directing, playing sports, being news anchors, or national traitors.  In 2014, resolve to remember your sexual preference is about as important on a national level as mine. 

Of equal importance is Barbie’s measurements compared to “real” women.  With a small waist, legs that go on for days, and perfect hair, she’s the vision of unachievable perfection.  She’s perpetually perky, in more ways than one.  Her hair never grays and crow’s feet never appear.  And, I know this part will come as a shock, she isn’t real!  GASP!!  Barbie really is just a toy.  She isn’t society’s unrealistic expectation of women.  Unless, of course, you think Ken is some sort of benchmark for manliness.  If Barbie makes you feel bad about yourself, you need a hell of a lot more help than the proposed Chubby Barbie can offer.  We’re fourteen years into the new century.  Can this be the year we resolve not to project our crappy self-esteem issues onto inanimate objects?

Melissa Harris-Perry, this one is going to take some work.  Before you open your yap, give your brain ten seconds to catch up.  At least long enough for it to say things like, “Tampon earrings are a bad idea” or “I probably shouldn’t make someone’s child the butt of a joke because it’s tasteless and offensive.”  This year, resolve to think before you speak or act.

Mr. William Clay Ford, love your trucks.  They’re fabulous, really.  Your grandfather is arguably one of the greatest innovators in history. Making cool vehicles doesn’t really qualify you to run an NFL team, though.  At least not well.  This year resolve to sell.  Maybe Mike Illitch is interested.  You should ask him.  Tomorrow.
Mr. President, I saved the last for you.  I’ll make it simple enough for you to understand.  You were re-elected already.  For the love of all that is good, stop campaigning.  It’s over man.  The job is yours.  Maybe you could resolve to start doing it?


Image: Courtesy of:

Pauline Wolak

Pauline is a proud wife and mother of three. When she isn't being the world's greatest Girl Friday, she is volunteers her time as a school librarian and athletic director. Pauline enjoys football, politics, good beer, and arguing with anyone. She's a devout pro-life Catholic. Pauline believes in the 1st Amendment and uses it on a daily basis, most notably to ambush unsuspecting family members in political debate! You can find her work here at Clash and at Follow her on twitter at @MiStateFan.

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