The following is satire
by Adolf Hitler
After seven decades of wondering, agonizing, spending sleepless nights tossing and turning in my flaming bed in Hell over why I lost the war, I now know why. It was right under my cropped–moustached nose the entire time. How could I not have seen it all those years ago?
On March 13th your Führer, Barack Obama, had a federal commission study and decide that there was “no compelling medical reason” to exclude “trannies” (transsexuals; men with breasts who fancy themselves as women, or women with penises who fancy themselves men, or anyone with gender identity issues) from your military.
“We determined not only that there is no compelling medical reason for the ban, but also that the ban itself is an expensive, damaging and unfair barrier to health care access for the approximately 15,450 transgender personnel who serve currently in the active, Guard and reserve components,” said your commission, led by Dr. Joycelyn Elders, your former Führer, Bill Klinton’s Surgeon General last Thursday.
Of all the reasons I thought I lost the war, the real reason never occurred to me until now. Breaking international treaties; going to war without assured equipment and troops for the long haul; waging war on two fronts; going to war against America, with its endless military industrial capabilities; discounting all of my generals’ warnings and calls for caution, and loading trains that could carry soldiers to the fronts to instead carry Jews and countess others to their deaths…? Nah! None of those reasons were why I now know I lost the war.
The reason: Trannies! If only I had allowed trannies into my military then you yanks would be reading this now in German (if reading it at all). …Trannies! How couldn’t I have guessed?!
I have admired over the last 20 years as you Americans have toyed with your military, the most formidable ever, the same force that defeated me and what I thought was my mightiest army on the planet, into a total social playground, outwardly more interested in reflecting your culture’s “evolving norms” than doing what any rational military force is meant to do: cultivate complete uniformity, selflessness, unshakable obedience to authority, belief in duty, undying love of country, develop physical endurance, death-defying bravery, unbreakable comradeship, loyalty, sacrifice, and ability to put all personal proclivities or behaviors aside in order to become part of a steel-hard mass of deadly defenders, having personal beliefs and lifestyles disappear in the face of indispensable codes of uniformed conduct.
Nevertheless, despite your best efforts to turn a great military from one that overran MY Europe and won nearly every battle since into some endless pool party at Larry Flynt’s mansion, yours is still the most imposing force in the world. Amazing! No other country is willing to take you on, not even me if I were alive today. And the reason: TRANNIES!
If I only had allowed trannies into the Wehrmacht I would have won! I could have had it all –England, Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Russia, and who knows what else. Shemales could have saved me, damn it, if I had not been so prejudiced!
Just think about it: I could have been in my East Prussian “Wolf’s Layer”, arguing with my generals about their pessimism and their dismal news from the Eastern front in the summer of 1943, and if only some tranny officer would have come up and said, “Uhh, exthooze me, Mr. Führer, but you know, like, hell-ooooo..? We can push back these Russians with the troops we still have sitting in already allied counties. Like, holla! …We can move our troops from Hungary, Romania and Lithuania to fight in the East. Duh!” …And I would have listened! …“Like, sir, Hitler, Fur-lord-whatever-guy, maybe we should forget about Italy and Greece? Hell-ooooo?! …And I would have listened! Who else is more cautious than a tranny?! Man, I was so dumb!
After France was subdued and I began planning to attack Russia, all I needed was a tranny colonel or general to rub my back and be like, “Oh, Hitler, ya’ big silly! You can’t take on Russia and England and America at the same time. Chill, baby, you big ol’ cuddly genocidal maniac, you!” …And I would have listened! Who else can “see both sides of the same coin” better than trannies?
What about my generals? All it would have taken when we were 50 miles outside Stalingrad would have been some chick with a penis or a painted-up guy with fake hooters to tap General von Paulus on the shoulder and be like, “Umm, hell-ooooo, General, I’m sorry to be the ‘turd-in-the-tulips’ here, but I’ve heard Stalingrad is, like, pretty dangerouth… I got a bad feeling about thith, thir!” ….And von Paulus would have listened! Who better to trust your army in than trannies with their documented disproportionate afflictions of psychological issues, including depression, bi-polar disorder, and substance abuse (“Bradley Manning” ring any bells? Yeah, what a gem of fidelity and mental stability he was)?
And how would my legacy be now if I had had a horde of tranny SS officers around me in the 30s be all like, “Umm, Mr. Hitler, thir, maybe instead of persecuting the Jews you should, umm, like, let them help you develop weapons and other technologies. You could take over the world, ya’ big ol’ pouty-puss, if you didn’t kill your country’s most productive, intelligent people, thir.” …Yes, my legacy would have been much way better if only Himmler and Goering had been trannies. Damn it, why couldn’t Himmler have just had a nice huge set of fake jugs?! Why couldn’t Rommel have done that whole Silence-of-the-Lambs-Buffalo-Bill-dancing-naked-scene-thing? $@#&!
Trannies, man! I’m telling you, America —trannies in the military are the key to success. Your current Führer has fired so many of your top commanders (kind of like Stalin, without the execution part), has scrapped Bill Klinton’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, paved way for women (not just those that make your military’s “cut”) to serve in the front lines, extended federal benefits to partners of same-sex personnel serving, has made any religious head gear acceptable among supposedly uniformed soldiers (you do know what “uniformed” means, right?), and now has opened the way for trannies to serve in positions of extreme, sometimes life or death importance. If only I had followed Obama’s policies, I could have won. $@#&! What a revelation to have now, seven decades later, roasting in Hell.
Trannies, America! I’m telling ya’–you’re on to something big here, bigger than I ever could have guessed. Too bad we murdered all the trannies we could in my time. $&*%! I’m so sorry. Of all my monstrous deeds, I now see clearly: the trannies I persecuted would have won me the war. Trannies = victory! You keep that in mind while the rest of the world continues to undermine and scheme against you. Fear not Russia, not China, Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, North Korea, China, Islamic jihadists, or whomever. Fear nothing, dear America–you’ve now got trannies on your side now.
Former Austro–German politician, inconsequential historical figure
The preceding is satire