Bummer — Sorry, Asians, But You’re Just ‘‘Too White’’ to Care About

Written by Nick Taxia on April 8, 2014

The last week of March may have witnessed the saddest and most short-lived scandals regarding a politically incorrect/racist incident in U.S. history. The Comedy Central Network’s Stephen Colbert, who parodies a pompous, Bill O’Reilly–styled talk show pundit on The Colbert Report, took aim at Redskin’s owner Dan Snyder after Snyder announced his creation of a foundation to aid Native Americans in lieu of changing his team’s supposedly racist name.

Colbert, satirically mocking the controversial team owner, said Snyder had inspired him to create the “Ching-Ching Ding-Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever.” Regardless of what you think of Colbert or his methods in fighting for laughs and the Left, this particular joke was anything but funny to fellow liberals and particularly liberal Asian activists.

Ignoring that Colbert’s joke was aimed at political correctness’ archenemy du jour, the NFL’s Dan Snyder, or being sincerely too stupid to understand satire (yeah, tell me about it, Colbert!), liberals threw a fit, with activist and until now absolute nobody Suey Park in particular spearheading a drive to get Colbert off the air by creating the viral Twitter hashtag #CancelColbert. Ms. Park wrote to her followers: “#CancelColbert because white liberals are just as complicit in making Asian Americans into punchlines and we aren’t amused.”

The hubbub lasted for all of two days. Colbert did not apologize (to which I say good! I will always side with the satirist compared to the PC police), and America moved on.

Well, Ms. Park, I have a discomforting reason for why your latest attempts stoking a race-based controversy were so short-lived. The reason: nobody cares. People not only don’t care about this Colbert incident, I mean nobody cares about Asian Americans being offended at all. No one cares about your fellow Koreans, or Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Hmong, Thais, Indians, etc., in this country because you’ve all become just “too white”. You’re even whiter than whites in terms of education, work ethic, non-political community involvement, volunteerism, entrepreneurialism, job creation, managing money, taxability, rejection of moral relativism, religious devotion and preservers of traditional family structures. You have very deservingly “out-whited” us whites! Asians have become so white, in fact, that they are nearly see-through –invisible! Hence why no one notices when secretly depressed, personally scarred self-promoters like you, Ms. Park (age only 23), try to feed off non-existing injustices.

Compared to all other U.S. ethnicities, Asians have done outstandingly well in America. They have shown how people with the right intelligence and ambition can thrive within the framework the nation’s founders created, and have been a stunning American success story, as a whole. They should be respected, lauded, and mimicked by all. But that is not how contemporary America sees things, is it folks?

In effect, Asians are just too damn successful to cry “racism”, be it legitimate or ludicrous, like the Colbert controversy. You’re just too damn Caucasian to be Asian, my dear Asians; too damn white to be in the right of any argument or issue, no matter how correct and reasonable you may be. In legal matters, employment practices, community upkeep, the public school system, taxation and wealth redistribution, material values, cultural/behavioral standards, knowing how to behave respectfully and comport yourselves in public, personal financial decisions, to dietary habits, etc., my apologies, Asians, but you’re just too successful to win in those arenas any longer, let alone win the nation’s collective outrage or sympathy over some late night TV comedian’s satirical quip. Get used to it, Asians, because it’s not going to get easier for you either; not as long as you insist on being productive, respectful, successful contributors to society. Why must you guys be so irksome?!!

In real-world comparison, given your race’s rising circumstances, if you want to have something to really be offended about, Ms. Park and fellow unhinged liberal activists, then try being the victim of the “knockout” game by a group of black teenage terrorists and hear not a peep about it in the popular press because you’re not the right race to care about anymore. How about arriving to the polls on Election Day to discover someone’s already voted in your name, then being called a racist for wanting tighter checks on voters’ IDs because, hey, you’re just too damn successful and have not been blessed with the correct amount of melanin? …You’re just acting and living too damn “white”. Sorry.

How about having the popular media curse you for even lending an opinion on the antics of someone of another race, let alone a critical opinion or constructive critique about them despite how correct you are? How about living in a Godforsaken society that dictates how you should be treated based on what others want your opinions and statements to mean, not by what you really meant and felt in your heart when you expressed them? How about having other ethnicities shun those among them if they step out of their general march towards personal and cultural oblivion and try to replicate your successful lifestyles (thus shunning you as well)? How about being offended by others pointing to your glowing examples of achievement as examples of what not to be? How about being automatically discounted from a university, job, or promotion because you made the cardinal sin of seizing upon the dwindling opportunities in this country and wanting to make your family and friends proud, and are umpteen times more qualified than who was chosen instead of you?

How about being offended at all of the above instead of what Stephen Colbert says in a satirical jibe? How about being offended that what I just said is bound to happen to you, too, if not already?

Again, my apologies for breaking the bad news to you liberal Asians whose hyperbolic feathers of racial sensitivity have been so ruffled by Colbert’s heinous joke, but you’re just too damn “white” to be noticed. Tough sh**, huh? If you really wish to be offended, please research my above examples. But being liberals, I doubt you will discount what you discover until it’s too late, if you even bother to explore them at all. And I am also confident that in today’s America, where success is demeaned and failure excused and even exalted (“cultural Marxism”, as I believe Pat Buchanan coined it), combined with the churning kaleidoscope of race and class, you too will one day regret having ambition, moral standards, responsible behavior, sound fiscal management and quest for knowledge be synonymous with your race.

You’re just “too white” to care about, my dear Asians. I’m sorry. Welcome to the club!




Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.