The following is satire.
by Diana Jameson, DP staff
Tuesday, May 6, 2014,
(MINNEAPOLIS) — “Clothes made of cotton, cotton balls, cotton gauze for medicinal purposes, and all other materials made from cotton are no longer welcomed at Target,” stated an ardent Jeffery J. Jones II, Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer of the national department store Target in a formal press release Thursday.
Correct. Citing the nation’s collective meltdown over recent comments made by embattled Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy on whether “African-Americans were better off in the days of picking cotton as slaves than they are today”, followed by the comments by Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, the Target Corporation announced Tuesday that it will no longer be selling clothes made from cotton, or cotton balls or other medicinal cotton-based gauze, beginning in January of next year.
“Mr. Bundy’s comments on picking cotton and Mr. Sterling’s caustic comments have caused Target to adapt a long contemplated position: that cotton, the substance that has become so synonymous with slavery in America, no longer has a place in Target stores, as it is an upsetting reminder of this country’s sad history of slavery and African-American servitude,” continued the corporation’s statement. “…Target cannot in good conscience any longer sell the material that for so long was the main revenue and supporter for American-American slavery in the South. We sincerely hope other department stores follow our brave and groundbreaking example.”
According to Target’s Jeffrey Jones, the “cotton ban” has been considered for several years, culminating finally on Tuesday with the chain’s decision to ban all Los Angeles Clippers’ apparel until owner Donald Sterling stepped down as owner of the team.
But we simply could not stop (at not selling Clippers apparel) once we realized most Clippers T-shirts and hats are made –at least partially– from cotton,” said Jones in an interview with Duh Progressive. “We had to unequivocally prove that not only do we abhor the recent statements by Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy, but that we in no way want to even be associated with the signature crop of the worst institution this world has ever seen. Thus after weighing the options, there was no way banning only Clippers wardrobe would send the right message.
The cotton ban by Target may be the first of its kind as American businesses and corporations try to deal with the Earth-shattering effects of comments from those of Cliven Bundy and NBA Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling, and may be only the beginning of an unofficial purge by U.S. retailers of any product or material that may even remotely hint at anything that has to do with slavery or racism in the U.S.
According to Sharen Jester Turney, President and CEO of the lingerie chain Victoria’s Secret, she and other senior executives have also been grappling with the prospect of banning cotton-made products in their stores, taking the risk of depriving their estimated 200 million customers around the world their chance at buying alluring undergarments they probably will not be able to fit into three months after purchasing them, all in hopes of also shedding any connection with the legacy of American slavery.
Said CEO Turney to Duh Progressive Thursday,
A couple years ago we received a complaint –one complaint– in an e-mail from a customer who admitted that after a week-long drinking binge, lifetime of severe Bi-Polar Disorder, and three days of heavy crystal-meth and LSD use she found our sale of cotton products to be ‘offensive’, due to its common place among crops that had to be tended to by African-Americans over 140 years ago under slavery. …We have been contemplating the sale of cotton-containing products ever since because of this one customer’s complaint…that is one out of the millions of other customers who are completely satisfied with our merchandise, Black and White, and who are actually living their lives instead of mourning their lives, day-to-day. …That is how we companies must conform today.
Added Turney, Tuesday,
I think (Victoria’s Secret) may be soon following Target’s courageous example. What better way to show solidarity to those who cry ‘racism’ at every chance than to not stand up for tranquility and rationality? …Cotton has to go! No more reminders of harassed ranchers or bigoted NBA team owners and slavery. Cotton, you damn innocuous fluffy crop, you, damn you to hell and all you represent!
The preceding is satire.
Image: Courtesy of: http://adams-stage5tas.wikispaces.com/Textiles+Unit+2+-+In+Stitches