By A.J. Rice
Clash Daily Guest Contributor
The golden arches of McDonald’s have long been a symbol of American commerce and success. They represent so much more than wonderful food delivered fast in a crisp, white paper bag. McDonald’s is the hallmark of a great people on the go, a people who work their butts off and don’t have time for kale and goji berries. We eat fast, we talk fast, we live fast, and we die fast. Keep your fascist nutritional expertise to yourself.
Health freaks be damned.
Back in the ‘80s when McDonald’s left our shores and went worldwide we didn’t have a food warden as first lady who gave a crap about things like healthy snacks and eating right. Nancy Reagan told us “just say no” to drugs while Michelle Obama tells us “just say no” to Chicken McNuggets. People loved Mickey D’s French Fries and, truth be told, still do. In true franchising American genius somebody decided the whole world might love those mouth-watering fries, too. Before long we had the Royal with Cheese and Le Big Mac.
Capitalism was on the march.
Suddenly many liberty-loving politicians noticed that people all over the globe liked American things like blue jeans, Budweiser and cheeseburgers. McDonald’s became our secret weapon to breaking down the doors of repressive Communist regimes. Once somebody eats a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, it’s pretty hard to go back to turnip soup and muskrat sandwiches. The whole world took note when McDonald’s opened in Moscow. Turns out even the Ruskies weren’t immune to the love of the fryolator’s genius. Ronald McDonald helped Ronald Reagan win the Cold War. Now decades later, we inch, day by day, back towards a Cold War posture.
The President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, is waging a War on McDonald’s in order to damage the United States. He makes moves daily to disrupt the progress of American Exceptionalism and the McRib sandwich. Obama can’t seem to master that pesky sand wedge while Vlad thoroughly rebuilds the Soviet Empire. We are in a bad spot. How bad? To get to our space station we have to get permission from Vladimir, not to mention pay him handsomely. Obama has folded like a cheap suit time and time again at the mere sight of Vlad with his shirt off. He shoots down passenger planes and we fall back; he invades countries and we fall back. But attacking The Big Mac is a bridge too far.
Vladimir has gotten serious. For the old KGB man, beating up on Obama gets kind of boring. Time to attack the soul of America and shut down the Golden Arches. Russia is closing McDonald’s down, supposedly over cleanliness violations. Cleanliness? A Moscow kangaroo court has ruled this week that Putin can shut down three Mickey D’s branches over breaches of sanitary rules. Perhaps the original plan was to relocate the three restaurants to Chernobyl.
I wish Vladimir would just admit it. He’s ticked off. Everyone has had it happen at least once…that bad McD employee. I heard Vlad stopped into Rusko McDonalds with the girlfriend to get some chow. Vlad was over at the soda station filling up with some Stoli on ice. Yes, they have Stoli on tap at Moscow McDonalds. He steps back up to the counter and tells the employee he would like 2 double Quarter Pounders with Cheese and super-size it! The employee says, very good Comrade Putin, and would your daughter like a Happy Meal with a nesting doll toy? The shirtless meaty chested President was enraged, but I think sending that poor underpaid McDonalds’s employee to the gulag in Siberia was a bit over the top.
Vladimir is undertaking your run of the mill, old-fashioned purge. He’s had enough of our influence on his culture. And he wants Ukraine back. It’s time to clean house and he’s focused on America’s number one food chain. Putin is doing something that Michelle Obama only dreams of — eliminating McDonalds from his country, one restaurant at a time.
A.J. Rice is the President and CEO of Publius Productions Inc., a boutique public relations and radio consultation firm. He is an Executive Producer for The Blaze Radio Network, and the former Executive Producer for Laura Ingraham, Monica Crowley and Andrea Tantaros. For interviews or representation email him here: firstname.lastname@example.org.