Written by Nick Taxia on September 30, 2014

(The following is satire.)

by Joel Legnutt, DP senior staff,
Tuesday, September 30, 2014,

(WASHINGTON) — Ordinary citizens left their jobs and stopped virtually all that they were doing Thursday morning, leaving their homes to pick up their children from the middle of their school day as news broke of the pending resignation of U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Many of those, upon hearing the news of Holder’s plans to quit the Department of Justice, bursts into tears and instinctively began making their way towards the nation’s capital to plead in front of the Department of Justice for Holder, beloved by all for being the unquestionably most upstanding, non-corrupt Attorney General the nation has ever had, never once bending, thwarting, rewriting or breaking its laws, is due to step down as soon as President Obama can chose his replacement.

Already District of Columbia authorities are reporting a steep increase in people as far away as Georgia and Illinois streaming into the city to beg, in-person, outside the DOJ headquarters on 950 Pennsylvania Avenue for the country’s indisputably best AG in its history to remain on the job until the end of President Obama’s term in office.

“In 1998 my husband lost his foot in a bow hunting accident,” said a tearful Patricia Lemont, 45, of Wilmington, North Carolina, as she sat stuck in traffic on I-395 heading into Washington D.C. Lemont said she had been driving eight hours with her family to personally plead in front of the Justice Department for Eric Holder not to resign.

Barely able to speak through a film of mucus-laden saliva and tears, Mrs. Lemont, along with her 13-year-old twin daughters in her car, said she never felt more confident in her nation’s justice system than when Eric Holder was in office. Said a sobbing Lemont, “Ever since [her husband’s hunting accident] I’ve been praying for someone to send police around to yank all the bows and arrows out of people’s homes so nothing like my husband’s accidentally shooting himself in the foot with his own bow and arrow could happen to anyone else. …The only chance that could have happened was under Attorney-in-Chief Eric Holder! Now America will be plagued by bow hunting accidents forever!”

candlelight vigilAs thousands of distraught Americans flood the capital to express their shock and heartbreak and attempt to persuade the squeaky-clean, gallant Holder from leaving the crucial office he has served so flawlessly, phone operators at the DOJ, to offices at its subsidiaries at the FBI, DEA, ATF, and even U.S. Marshalls Service report being flooded by crying, frantic Americans, all begging Holder remain the nation’s “top cop”. And in some cases, the phone calls have gone frightening beyond just tearful mourning and begging.

“I can’t take it! I can’t take knowing Eric Holder will be gone!” cried a suicidal Marvin Dixon, as San Francisco police and psychologists tried to talk him back from outside the Golden Gate Bridge’s railing Thursday evening. Marvin was finally talked out of jumping to his death, assured by authorities that the next Attorney General will tackle America’s ramped racial injustices just as fiercely as Eric Holder did with Trayvon Martin in Sanford, FL, and Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO; moving so passionately to get to the bottom of both modern-day executions that he and his DOJ had no time to investigate the Black-on-non-Black beatings, riots, and looting of stores in the wake of such atrocities (nor did they have time to hardly investigate, let alone deem any Black-on-non-Black assault, rape or murder a “hate crime” at all, actually). Nor were Holder and the DOJ pestered by any “unintended tragedies” of, perhaps, secretly selling thousands of guns to Mexican drug cartels in hopes of “tracking” where the guns and their murderous handlers were going — so steadfast in their quest for justice they were!

San Francisco police were lucky in saving the unemployed Marvin Dixon, unlike in New York where five bodies were found in an apartment in Queens early Friday morning in an apparent mass suicide over the pending resignation of the nobler than noble Holder. All victims were adults, according to NYPD officials, who said they believe all five were roommates, with a suicide note briefly detailing that the party preferred death to the possibility of not having America’s leading prosecutor graciously violating its constitution as much as Holder, such as stifling freedom of speech, helping relieve President Obama from the tortures of having to go through Congress for amnesty for millions of (mainly new) illegal immigrants, to trying to trample Second Amendment rights, defending terrorists and Marc Rich, one of the greatest U.S. tax evaders in 2000, and much more.

cops holderAccording to an NYPD officer at the grisly scene on Warren St. who wished to remain anonymous, the mutual suicide note read, partially, “…If we can’t have an Attorney General that has dedicated his career by trying to compensate for the Caucasian heritage he obviously has and so obviously ashamed of by enacting erroneous, radical, racially-biased and anti-American and anti-Constitutional policies, then what is the sense of going on at all? Goodbye, America!”

From ignoring repeated requests to turn over DOJ documents concerning the botched “Fast and Furious” gun-running case, to ignoring voter intimidation by the New Black Panther Party in 2008, to wiping out official Justice Department references to “radical Islam” because it may be deemed “offensive” by one in every one-hundred Muslims somewhere, to chastising America as a “nation of cowards” for how it is unwilling to have an honest discussion on race, former F.B.I. agent Louie Delasanta, 60, who “retired” from the agency in 2012 after he was caught using the term “Muslim extremists” in a department memo, said he will miss his former boss and all he brought to the DOJ, and in so doing took away from the country.

“I just can’t help but think of his struggle to keep people from having to prove who they are when they went to vote. That alone says it all for me,” the former F.B.I. veteran of 34 years said to reporters outside the DOJ’s headquarters, where candlelight vigils are being held nightly until Holder changes his mind and remains President Obama’s equivalent of Lavrentiy Beria.

Added Delasanta, “Not to mention his calling the Fort Hood shooting ‘domestic terrorism’ while the Muslim gunman was shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’ as he was gunning down his fellow 13 service members….I mean, I could go on and list all of (Holder’s) scandals, violations and abuses of his office, but I am only 60, after all; I’ll probably live to be 80 or 90, so I doubt that would give me enough time to cover all of them all.”

(The preceding is satire.)


Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.