NUKES AND PIZZA! How Obama can Help ISIS Be More Politically Correct

Barack Obama is negotiating with Iran and moving America toward an agreement that allows the terrorist state to obtain a nuke on a “phased plan.” A “phased plan” with Tehran is like reassuring potential victims that a psychopathic murderer is on the loose in their neighborhood with a Nerf gun, but not to worry because cops have a “phased plan” to provide the killer with a machete.

In other words, with the help of Barack Obama, Iran will graduate from being unable to annihilate Israel or do serious damage to the US, to being a formidable danger. And while that will certainly be disastrous in some ways, if Iran does lob a nuke at America, while widespread radiation poisoning will stress the system, all the dead people will lead to huge savings on healthcare.

Meanwhile, with Iran under control, ISIS still remains somewhat of a threat to the world.
In fact, right now ISIS’s attention seems to be directed toward Syrian Christians, 90 of whom they just kidnapped and will likely either decapitate or set ablaze, which, based on Barack Obama’s lackadaisical reaction to such atrocities, falls under the Hillary Clinton motto of “what difference, at this point, does it make?”

However, based on some of the dangers ISIS is broadcasting via Twitter, there do seem to be a few things the president can do to quell the problem, such as a kinder, gentler application of outreach and social justice.

At the recent “Solution to Violent Extremism” summit, Obama pointed out that he’s of the opinion that terrorists have genuine complaints and believes “legitimate grievances” can be addressed by communicating, engaging, mentoring, educating, partnering with, and supporting genocidal jihadists.

In an ironic twist, ISIS actually validated Obama’s strategy, indicating that remediation of the reprobate does have some credibility.

Take for instance ISIS’s recent vow to conquer Rome and “throw homosexuals off of [the] leaning tower of PIZZA.” In some circles such a proclamation might be disturbing, but to Obama, threats are often just desperate cries for help that need to be responded to in thoughtful ways.

Clearly, ISIS confusing Pisa (or pizza) with Rome indicates the group has members who are geographically challenged. But with Obama in charge, ISIS could be marching in the right direction once and for all. Besides, who better than the president who traveled to 57 states – not counting Hawaii and Alaska – to inform the terrorist group that the Tower of Pisa is located in the city of Pisa, which is four hours from the city they are threatening to conquer and pillage?

Moreover, promising to throw gays off an ancient south-leaning building may require specific intervention that, in lieu of an appropriate jobs program, includes things like architectural diversity, how to grasp geographic whereabouts, sensitivity training, education, and healthy eating.

Another red flag is that ISIS has chosen a building that falls into the disabled/handicapped category, which indicates the group is exploiting a structure that has already suffered 822 years of being the butt of jokes. Insensitive cartoonists have mocked architect Bonanno Pisano for eons, saying that he either had one short leg or a crooked neck.

Either way, the bottom line is that if ISIS wants to grow in respectability, they can’t give preferential treatment to members of the exclusive LGBT community.

ISIS singling out gays and lesbians as recipients of special treatment could be interpreted as favoritism. Choosing only one group over other historically underrepresented groups of people lacks the type of fairness Barack Obama specializes in.

It’s unclear what ISIS is eating, but it’s a dead giveaway that by mistaking Pisa for pizza, ISIS has pizza on the brain. Thankfully, after addressing ISIS’s tactlessness, helping them to get their geographic bearings, and schooling them on how to be more inclusive, there’s still education and healthy living.

Threatening to throw homosexuals off the “leaning tower of PIZZA” is sort of like ISIS threatening to throw adulteresses off the 47th floor of the Waldorf Salad Hotel.

Still, there’s a good chance that Michelle Obama, maven of healthy school lunches and superintendent of America’s “culture of health”, could address the ISIS pizza issue and make respectful and culturally-sensitive food suggestions to ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi on how to steer his soldiers toward healthier choices.

Last but certainly not least is the misspelling of Pisa, which indicates that Abu Abdulla Britani, also known by his twitter handle @abu_britani2, who tweeted out:

…may very well be a hapless victim of educational inequality.

State Department spokesperson Marie Harf has already informed America that “we can’t kill our way” out of war against ISIS. That’s why free community college may be the answer to steering enthusiastic young men like Abu Britani away from career goals that include “conquering Rome and establishing the justice of shariah.”

And what better way to shore up our reputation with the terrorist state of Iran than to suggest giving ISIS combatants refugee status in America with the promise of free community college?

So there you have it. Barack Obama’s War on Terror includes a bomb for Tehran and some politically-correct suggestions on how to school ISIS on civility.

Image: https://www.flickr.com/photos/128199777@N08/15849173427/