If ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Was Remade Today, It Might Look Like This

Written by Kenn Daily on July 6, 2017

It’s time for a remake of the 1960’s classic sitcom, Gilligan’s Island.

There is a problem.

The original castaways were whiter than the cast of Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing. (Tim Allen’s neighbor was black).

That must be corrected.

In the remake, the castaways will be multicultural.

Gilligan, the bumbling idiot who can do nothing right, will remain a white cis het male.

The Skipper, however, will be a gay Hispanic who is constantly appalled at Gilligan’s ineptness.

The Professor is black. Obviously.

Ginger Grant, the starlet wannabe, is a less-than-luscious but highly intelligent feminist. The series’ perennial subplot is her constant conniving to win the romantic attention of the Professor.

Mary Ann Summers is a Muslim. She is articulate, attractive, and not averse to wearing stylish makeup to accent her tasteful, hair-covering hijab.

Where does she get makeup on a deserted island? We’ll never know.

Then there are the Howells. Gasp!

Thurston Howell III and his wife, Lovey, are absorbed with their white privilege and are forever attempting to subjugate the other castaways.

• The first episode is titled, Colonel Howell.

Thurston spots a colorful Sulphur Crested Cockatoo and purposes to open a fried Cockatoo restaurant. Gilligan will be his sole employee and the other castaways will be his customers.

Ginger finds the thought of eating meat — let alone a beautiful bird — repugnant and the other castaways (save Gilligan) agree.

The plot follows Gilligan as he’s prodded by Thurston to try various means of capturing a Cockatoo. (Thurston wishes he had brought his gun).

The bird evades capture. It’s more cleaver than the two scheming white men.

Meanwhile, the Professor educates the other castaways — and the viewers — on the benefits of a vegetarian diet.

• The second episode is titled, The Misogynist.

Again, the plot involves the Howells.

Thurston is the possessive alpha male and Lovey is his submissive, doting 1950’s housewife.

The plot thickens as the castaways connive strategies to teach Thurston a lesson he’ll never forget. Ginger, the feminist, leads the efforts.

The Howells, you’ll recall, are the only married couple on the island. Traditional marriage must be demonized.

Thurston never learns.

• Episode three is titled, The Indigenous Peoples.

It turns out the island isn’t as deserted as they castaways originally believed.

They are awakened by the eerie sound of distant drums from across the island. Stealthily, they meander in the darkness of the jungle and perch themselves atop a hill.

Below they see dark-skinned people dancing around a bonfire to the beat of the drums. The terrified castaways assume the dancers of cannibals. Then, without warning, they find themselves surrounded by the fierce faces of tribesmen who resemble American Indians.

Cut to break.

When we come back from the commercial featuring a black female dentist hawking toothpaste, we discover the castaways have been taken captive. They are sitting with ashen faces near the campfire, wondering aloud if they are to be eaten on the spot.

The natives are also talking. Their words are gibberish to the castaways, but the viewers at home are amused as they read the English captions. The natives are appalled at the castaway’s apparent lust for material things — such as clothing — and wonder if they are cannibals.

The Professor is able to decipher a few words spoken by the natives and realizes they are as fearful as the castaways. He smiles, extends a hand, and all is well.

The episode ends with the castaways sitting around a bamboo table confessing their sins of prejudice and stereotyping. Thurston is the sole exception. He believes the natives should be placed on a reservation where they will “be happy.”

• Episode four is titled, Micro-aggressions.

The lovable but loony Gilligan means no harm when he makes insensitive remarks to Muslim Mary Ann. He also displays aloofness in the presence of the black Professor and inadvertently refers to Ginger as an “actress” rather than gender-neutral term, “actor.”

The Howells, of course, fail to the see the problems. Viewers at home, on the other hand, are stricken with guilt and shame as they self-identify with the Gilligan’s repeated faux pas.

By the end of the episode, Gilligan realizes his errors and confesses. He profusely begs forgiveness. Forgiveness is granted, but Gilligan is reminded that his intolerance and bigotry are innate and will resurface; which they do in subsequent episodes.

• Another series is in the works. This is a remake of The Little Rascals. The roles of Stymie and Buckwheat have been cut from the cast. The children are all white kids living in the 1930s where they weekly display mind-boggling words and actions of intolerance which we all find appalling.

Aren’t you glad you live in the enlightened 21st century?

Image: Excerpted from: Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=30399122

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Kenn Daily
Kenn Gividen (aka, Kenn Daily) is the publisher of DailyKenn.com. Now 64 years old, Kenn formed his conservative views at the age of 14 and was an early member of Young Americans for Freedom. He is a vociferous anti-racist but sets himself apart from most conservatives by refusing to be bullied into silence regarding racial issues. Violent black crime is a signature issue of his website. Kenn is a semi-retired business owner. He lives in Indiana with his wife of 40 years. He has two grown children -- a daughter and son -- four grandchildren, and two granddogs.