The Twelve Beatitudes — But Not The Ones You Might Think…

Written by K. Walker on September 13, 2017

Passed along by John Kirkwood, twelve “beatitudes” — if the Devil wrote them:

1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend even an hour once a week with their fellow Christians – they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked — I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church –for they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers – for they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers –for their complaints are music to my ears.
6. Blessed are those who keep a list of the preachers’ mistakes — for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church – for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip — for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended — for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give an offering to carry on God’s work – for in stealing from God you steal for me.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister — for he shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you hear this, think the preacher is talking about someone other than you– for I’ve got you right where I want you.

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ClashDaily's Associate Editor since August 2016. Self-described political junkie, anti-Third Wave Feminist, and a nightmare to the 'intersectional' crowd. Mrs. Walker has taken a stand against 'white privilege' education in public schools. She's also an amateur Playwright, former Drama teacher, and staunch defender of the Oxford comma. Follow her humble musings on Twitter: @TheMrsKnowItAll