Midseason is upon us, and with it some big changes. Since the league is so schizophrenic this season making it hard to outpredict the average street chimp, I have decided to enlist the help of modern technology. That’s right folks, I’m resorting to AI like everyone else. Not that spiffy ChatGPT nor Anthropic’s flagship program Claude, with its cute little fuzzy icon thingy that wiggles. No, I go in for something less glitzy from one of the low-budget AI developers called NawtStoopid and their program, also called CLOD, whose icon is a line drawing of a buck-toothed idiot wearing a football helmet backwards. Desperate times require desperate measures…
Seriously though, I went a respectable 9-5 last week (73-48), although there are now 4 pundits at ESPN ahead of me (the shame!). There was some notable settling out in the power rankings this week, as Minnesota’s lack of offense finally cost them their top spot, which we knew would happen. I am STILL not buying the Denver Stincos, because they are the AFC copy of the Vikes, but I will give credit where due as they galloped into Seattle and frightened little Sammy Darnold into hearing ghosts in his backfield again for Halloween. And Darnold dressed as a NY Jet for his costume – then played like one! Talk about cosplay. Trick or Treat!! Here’s the picks.
Jaguars at Ravens – You can stick a fork in the Ravens, because they are all done. As the Beatles put it…’Blackbirds singing in the dead of night…These Jags are eating us, with such delight..’
Bengals at Falcons – This might be entertaining, for two quarters. Then the Burrow throws his team on his back again, and carries them across the goal line to victory. The guy may be somewhat fragile, but he sure dominates when he’s healthy! Orange cats eat the dirty birds. (seems we have a Sylvester & Tweety theme going these first two picks…)
Broncos at Panthers – The cats lose this match, unlike in the first pair. Carolina is reverting to their former selves, which is not the trajectory of a winner in a division that’s there for the taking. Denver gets an easy whup-on this week to continue their quest of the AFC mountain-top. Broncs remain stronk in Good Charlotte.
Cowboys at Colts – Here’s your Nobody Cares game, featuring the fallen stars of Dallas and the 3-legged Colts. Maybe the slam dunk contest from the WNBA is on and we can watch that instead…I’ll go with nature here, and say Cowboys saddle the Colts…
Jets at Chiefs – Chiefs get a second bye week when they play the Jets Sunday, haha.
Lions at Dolphins – The Lions have risen yet again in the power rankings, after snuffing the Minneapolis Marauders who couldn’t find the end zone with a sextant and dragon-head ship. The Dolphins gave New England half a game last week, then dissolved and fizzled out like Alka-Seltzer down the stretch. Pontiac pounces on Palm Beach pugnaciously.
Browns at Saints – Cleveland got royally thumped by Pittsburgh last week, so they will be motivated and focused to not lose any more ground in their division. It’s a tough neighborhood, and they have the taste of blood in their mouths…their own. The Saints are still all over the place and Kamara is out, so even though they are coming off a bye I have no idea what their frame of mind will be. The Brownies are the 2nd worst offense in the league, but that brutal D can really put the clamps on a mediocre offense and young QB. They should find just enough points on the field to carry the day. Browns take the Saints down in Cajun Town.
Giants at Eagles – It’s time to have a fire sale in Philly and look to the future, because this team has burned to the ground. Giants stand defiant in Liberty City.
Rams at Commanders – Not to short-sell the scrappy W’s, but LA will be bringing a Blue Wave of their own to Washington DC this week. McVay’s feng shui carries the day.
Texans at Chargers – Houston isn’t going anywhere in a hurry, but they catch a break this week as it’s their turn to pummel the LA Pinatas. Herbert should have already been on the trading block as the Chargers need a full rebuild, starting with Coach Hardball. They could get a gunnysack of draft picks for this valuable gunslinger in this market. Bullseyes play Whack-A-Bolt with the powerless volts.
Raiders at 49ers – It’s funny; at a glance, these two teams’ stats are very close. And then you stand back and look again, and the biggest difference (which matters a lot) is a winning vs. losing culture. The last time a Davis team won a title was under Tom Flores, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Frisco seems to reload every 5 years and take another run at Vince’s silverware. Since it’s the holiday season kickoff, I’ll let Burl Ives sing the prediction. ‘Silver and Gold, Silver and Gold; Frisco heats up while the Raiders go cold…’
Packers at Patriots – The Pats are still well short of their full complement of weapons on offense, which has been a struggle all season. Statwise these teams are very close, except in two key areas; ball hawking & turnover differential, which Green Bay dominates. Both tout 5-3 records. Carleton Davis is back, but is he 100%? My gut tells me that the Packers are poised to take a gritty road victory here. Hope I’m wrong. Colonials call Maye Day as Green Bay takes the ball away.
Cardinals at Seahawks – The Cards decided to shuffle their lineup by demoting and then banishing Jacoby Brissett. This leadership void comes at a bad time when they are entering the den of the Seahawks on Sunday. Seattle is ready to get back on the positive side of the ledger with Drew Locke back under center. Seahawks Locke and load while the Cards fold on the road.
Buccaneers at Bears – DaBears are proving they have no intention of hibernating this winter, after savaging the Seahawks on MNF in back-to-back vanquishings of both Superbowl teams from last season. I’d call that a message to the league. Tampa has played better of late, but this will be a setback week for Baker’s Bucs in Chicago. Bears swat the Seagoing Swashbucklers back St. Pete.
Bills at Vikings – These two 6-1 teams exchanged the #1 power ranking this week, as the Bills moved into Minnesota’s vacated perch atop the pile when the Vikes got eaten by Lions. This will be a marquee MNF matchup, and possibly a Super Bowl preview. The Bills proved they can be Buffalo’d by a solid defense when they lost to New England, and Minnesota proved that it takes offense AND defense to win consistently (Capt. Obvious here). Buffalo has scored almost 100pts (!) more than the Vikings, while the Purple Punishers are 2nd in sacks, 4th in INTs and #1 in turnover differential. Josh Allen doesn’t take a lot of sacks due to his singular mobility and broken-play innovation on the fly. He also keeps the Bills dangerous right to the last ticks of the clock, when defenses are weary. This is a pick ‘em in my book, and the heavyweight fight of the season so far. Grab some Buffalo wings and a flagon of ale, because the Buffalo Bills in the end will prevail.
Enjoy the games!
