The following is satire.
(HONOLULU, HI) —After years of thorough research, a new study on the social and economic system of Socialism is sending shockwaves throughout the political science community and again stoking the flames between the Left and Right.
The findings of the University of Hawaii, released Thursday, found that the economic system of Socialism is overwhelmingly successful 98-percent of the time someone imagines it being so.
Conducted over a five year period, the university’s findings are also boosting the morale of nations like Greece, Spain, Portugal, Cuba, and particularly North Korea. Adding to the study’s credibility is its source, with the University of Hawaii being a well-known hotbed of conservatism; all the more reason to hold the study’s findings as fact, according to the director of UH’s political science department, Dr. Debora Halbert.
“There’s no ambiguity about it,” said Dr. Halbert, Thursday, “we’ve proved beyond a doubt: every time someone imagines Socialism succeeding, it does.”
“Regardless of what time in history, too,” continued Halbert, “if someone imagined that Socialism worked in the past, it did. If someone imagined it working now, it does. And if someone imagined it will work in the future, it will. It’s the most remarkable thing!”
Over 2,000 economists and ordinary citizens around the world were interviewed, from socialist and non-socialist countries alike. No matter where, people realized the repeatedly attempted 200-plus-year-old social and economic system operated fairly, efficiently, and humanely nearly every time they fantasized it would.
Said Dr. Halbert, “The North Koreans we were allowed to interview were the most enthusiastic. They not only declared their economic system the best in the world, but the best in the solar system.”
Also among the interviewees were Miami residents Carlos and Mira Alverez, a Cuban-born couple who “migrated” to the United States 12 years ago during a secret two-week journey in a small boat across the Straits of Florida. Still having close relatives under the ubiquitously caring eye of the Castro regime, Carlos, 45, and Mira, 40, readily espoused how well Socialism in Cuba has worked when asked to imagine it. “Si, muy bueno! Socialismo es muy bueno para personas todas en Cuba!” said Mrs. Alverez to Duh Progressive, Friday.
“What my wife is saying is that Socialism in Cuba has been a great success from the start,” said Mr. Alverez Friday. “The researchers asked us why we left in the middle of the night in a homemade chug if things were so great, and why we drifted two weeks in the ocean and lost my father to dehydration. Well, we just needed to tell the rest of the world how great things were in Cuba so badly, we just couldn’t contain ourselves!”
With interviews also taking place on the campus itself, UH officials were pleased to report barely any deviation in the results of those asked to imagine how well the egalitarian system would work … compared to how well they imagined it would work.
“This was the easiest survey I’ve ever done,” said 19-year-old UH sophomore Theo Medhurst. They just sat me down, gave me a textbook definition of Socialism and asked me to think of how well it would work if applied in real life. And you know what? In my mind, it did. Wow!”