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2012 ElectionGunsOpinionPhilosophyPoliticssatire

Guns Didn’t Kill Those People in Colorado — Projectiles Did

(Satirical Commentary))

By Michelle Obama

So America, the moment you all have been waiting for is here. It is time you heard from a heavyweight cultural critic; a champion social pioneer, human rights advocate and public policy expert. Yes, America, it’s time you heard from me, First Lady Michelle Obama.

As this nation goes about its grief in the wake of the Aurora, Colorado tragedy, demands for tighter bans on guns continue to echo throughout America. It is a tired, familiar cycle we all know: a monstrous gun crime is committed, innocent people are killed, the nation is horrified, and yet laws that would prevent such an atrocity remain not passed. Yeah, we tweak a gun restriction here and there, clamp down harder on some sort of rare mechanical murder maker, but really, we mostly just talk about how shocked we are. This is a pathetic cycle of cultural self-denial that must stop.

We must also admit our bans on certain firearms have done little to assuage the results of madmen. Indeed, even cities that have outlawed firearms completely have not seen a drop in gun crime. This has caused me to realize: no matter how many guns we ban or laws we pass, we will still not get to the heart of the problem, because the problem is much greater and more terrifying than guns. The problems is this: if we go back and look at everyone who has ever been killed or injured by any “shooting weapon,” what have they all had in common? All of them have been victims of, yes, projectiles.

By “projectiles” you may think I am speaking of bullets, and only bullets. But the problem is much deeper than just bullets. Have not human beings (and animals) been victims of not only bullets, but projectiles such as arrows, missiles, bombs, Molotov cocktails, poison darts, dead cats, rocks, and the rare but ever-so-lethal pig fetus in a Mason jar? See, the problem goes much deeper than guns or their bullets. It is projectiles entirely we must ban, and ban immediately.

Just look at the damage projectiles have inflicted throughout history:
• Going all the way back to ancient Greece –Achilles, a gallant, invincible warrior was finally killed when his ankle was pierced by what? –a projectile.
• Let us go back even further…to 25,371 B.C., during the Great Caveman War of present-day Budapest. Caveman “Aauugha” was reportedly killed when another caveperson picked up a what and threw it at him? –a projectile!
• Twenty-five millennium later, during the first Crusade, Christian invaders of Jerusalem used archers to fire into the city and maim and kill people with what? –projectiles!
• Explorer Juan Ponce de Leon, in search of the Fountain of Youth, was killed after original inhabitants shot a poisoned what at him? –a projectile!
• In 1066 A.D., English King Harold II was killed by what in the Battle of Hastings? –a projectile!

And the sad list goes on and on…. Abraham Lincoln: killed by a projectile. Alexander Hamilton: killed by a projectile! Lord Nelson? Projectile! John F. Kennedy? Projectile! John Lennon? Projectile! Che Guevara? Projectile! Hiroshima? Projectile! Kurt Cobain? Projectile! September 11, 2001? Projectiles! Projectiles, projectiles, and more projectiles…

Can this deadly connection between murder and projectiles be just a mere coincidence, matter of happenstance? Hardly. What is clear is the havoc projectiles have inflicted upon us throughout history. But do projectiles show any sign of slowing in their wrath? Stunningly, no, their use keeps increasing, building evermore to a blood-soaked, airborne crescendo of chaos. Is not this ultimate question abundantly clear?: How can we continue living in a world with projectiles?

Let there be no more doubt about it: unless we take serious steps to outlaw the prevalence of projectiles, Americans will continue to fall victim to their murderous fury. It is time our leaders stand up and projectiles stand down, and remain down. We must call on our lawmakers to ban projectiles entirely. No. More. Projectiles!

Until the day we can walk the earth without projectiles, I’m afraid there will never be peace. If we learn only one thing from Colorado; if we learn only one thing from Hiroshima; if we learn only one thing from Fort Hood, JFK, MLK, RFK, Lincoln, the University of Texas Bell Tower, the D.C. snipers, and the billions of Americans killed every year on the streets, it is that projectiles have no place in our society.

No more projectiles! Unless we realize the urgent need for revolutionary projectile restriction, we will no doubt project ourselves right out of existence.

Thank you, and may God Bless the Aurora victims, their families, and America.

First Lady Michelle Obama

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

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