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God To Democrats: ‘‘That’s okay, you’re not on my ‘platform,’ either’’

by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor, Saturday, September 8th, 2012,(HEAVEN, UNIVERSE) — Apparently the feeling is mutual between the Democrat party and God.

Responding to the Democratic National Convention last week, in which it initially did not even mention Him within their party’s official platform, the Lord, God, The Almighty, Creator and Ruler Of The Universe, stated Friday via an official press release (courtesy of Vonage), “That’s okay (Democrats), you’re not on my ‘platform,’ either.”   Despite the “Democratic” Party’s decision to re-instate the acknowledgment of God in its party’s platform and thus mission for America, God, reacting to the Democrat National Convention’s initial spite, responded in-kind Friday, stating: “The feeling is mutual…I’m pleased that the (DNC) finally decided to add me to its party’s platform … after so much confusion and dispute.”   Added God, “It was as if I was, like, some sort of a ‘foundation’ for something, like America’s goals and existence, freedoms and blah-blah-blah…”

     Indeed, the Lord/God/Almighty literally said “blah blah blah,” in His statement Friday, apparently becoming too bored to further explain Himself and His reaction to the 2012 Democratic National Convention’s rejection of Him, opting to rather attend to, as He said, “other matters,” such as helping alleviate the suffering of the poor, hungry, and oppressed, and “running the Universe.”   However, the Lord/God/Ruler Of All had time to add, “After all – two can play at this ‘not acknowledging’ stuff.”    

“It seems God has taken our side, and has addressed it favorably,” said President Obama’s campaign manager Jim Messina, Friday, responding to God’s press release.   “We’re thankful that the ‘lord,’ or whatever, is pleased with our (reluctant) decision to finally include his name and great omnipotence during our convention. And we’re so thankful … You know, like, whatever, it’s only God we’re talking about…”    

Responding Saturday morning to the charge that his party is the “party that literally ‘booed’ God,” and are a bunch of smug, self-absorbed, arrogant fools, President Obama said to an enthralled crowd of 41 outside Raleigh, NC, “I am pleased by (God’s) statement yesterday.   I’m glad He’s on our side, the side of progress. And we all should be thankful to be supporting a President —me— who stands shoulder-to-shoulder with Him in this campaign.” 

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   Although God Almighty has welcomed countless Democrats into His celestial paradise throughout the years, His statement of “That’s okay, you’re not on my ‘platform,’ either” is causing some participants of this year’s Democratic National Convention some dismay.

Said Darcy Hamilton, 54, a DNC delegate from Colorado, Saturday, “I was just as enthused about excluding the mentioning of ‘God’ from our party’s official platform than anyone else (in the convention). But this response from God is a bit, uhh, disconcerting.”     Added Hamilton, “What does He mean –‘we’re not on his ‘platform’ either? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that, and I don’t know if I want to be sure …since I don’t know whether I believe in a Higher Power or not in order not to be sure if I should be unsure to be not sure. You know what I mean? …Surely, you do.”       

There is, however, a “man/thing” that is sure of what God’s statement of “you’re not on my ‘platform’ either” means …and he’s all too ready to take on its burden. From the boiling, excruciatingly torturous netherworld that are the bowels of hell, the Devil; Prince of Darkness; Satan; Lucifer (and, let’s be honest, party animal extraordinaire), followed God’s statement on Friday by proclaiming that, although he is in the midst of an early mind-blowingly-drunken Oktoberfest, he is ready to accept and “deal with” all the delegates of the 2012 Democrat National Convention who voted to initially exclude God from their party’s official creed, and especially those that booed the revamped platform last Wednesday that included the mentioning of God, as well as the recognizing of Jerusalem as “something of importance” to the nation of Israel.   Said Satan, as he gulped down his 14th bottle of Dogfish Head pumpkin ale Saturday, “Hey, man, I’m all for it!  Bring those God-deniers on…whoo-hoo!”

Satan added that when those of the DNC convention who voted for and booed the inclusion of God died and were sent to him, he and his minions would make sure they were treated with “extra care,” since they had “the best of intensions in heart” (multiculturalism, diversity, etc., and in the name of America).     Pausing to belch for a full 40-seconds Saturday, the Prince of Darkness set down his foaming glass of beer to comment, “Hey…(buurrrrrrp!)…if these **!@#**! at the (DNC) want to deny God, and be sent here, we will…(blaahhh-uuuurp!)…be ready for them, whenever.   I’m just pissed that I’ll have even more poor **!@#**! … (bluuuuurrppp!)… to deal with who thought they were denying God in the name of ‘humanity’ or whatever-multiculturalism-sensitivity-twaddle and bl…bla…(blurrrrpz!)…”   Added Satan as he cracked open another Dogfish Head pumpkin ale, “They kinda’ remind me of those Taliban folks we had to take care of a while back… Different side, same coin.”

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

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