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2012 ElectionLame Stream MediaOpinionsatire

Obama Declares Criticism of His Record as President ‘‘Below the Belt’’

(Note: This piece is satire)

by Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female, DP staff,
Thursday, October 4th, 2012,

(MADISON, WI) —Standing up today to what he called his opponent’s “unhinged” and “irrelevant” criticisms of his last 3 and ½ years in office, Barack Obama declared Mitt Romney’s attacks on his record as president as “below the belt politics” Thursday, and said it was “embarrassing to see the (Romney) campaign stoop to such desperate measures.”

Just hours after what many liberal and conservative pundits alike are calling a decisive defeat for Obama during Wednesday night’s debate with Mitt Romney, Obama also apologized during his first post-debate campaign stop for not calling out Romney for criticizing his first term, declaring such mentioning “a childish, misleading, below the belt attack,” as far as campaign tactics go.

Said Obama at a campaign rally at the University of Madison, Wisconsin, Thursday afternoon, “There’s fair debating, then there’s dirty debating; clean campaigning, and dirty campaigns —campaigns that want to bring up an incumbent’s record in office. And that’s exactly what  (Romney) did. …There’s nothing more ‘below the belt’ than bringing up your opponent’s last four years in office. That’s just ‘infantile.’ It’s beneath dignity. Mention anything else about my last four years as president, but leave my performance as president alone. It’s just not fair!”

The Obama campaign has even conceded it lost the first presidential debate Wednesday night, but not due to any performance or factual errors on the part of the President. On the contrary, said Obama senior campaign strategist, David Axelrod, it was the former Massachusetts’ governor’s “dirty tricks” that threw Obama off his game and left the President looking agitated and befuddled. Said Axelrod to reporters in a conference call Thursday morning, “For (Mitt Romney) to dare bring up something as personal as the President’s performance in office the last four years was just ‘below-the-waistline-politics.’ And Mitt should be ashamed. What will the governor attack next, Obama’s kids? Wife? His dead, racist grandmother, or some recently released tape of Obama shouting in some Ebonics-laced tirade against America? Really, is nothing sacred to the Romney camp anymore?!”

Nor is David Axelrod alone in his lambasting of the Romney campaign as “sinking to a new low” by bringing up Obama’s performance as president since 2009. From MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, to NBC’s Andrea Mitchell, New York Times’ Paul Krugman, Paul Begala, and Democrat National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, the outpouring of rage and disbelief that Romney would stoop to such degrading and hurtful levels of attacks have left many Democrats fearing Romney’s mentioning of Obama’s record in the debate (and its effectiveness) may have changed the nature of campaigning forever, and not for the better.

“I fear that by going so out-of-bounds with talking about Obama’s record, Mitt Romney may have opened the doors to a new, crass style of campaigning,” DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz said to Duh Progressive via phone interview Thursday. “I think we, as a nation, may have moved last night from clean, mature debates and campaigns; those with decorum and respect. Where will we go from here? Will we now be so ruthlessly tacky as to only talk about someone’s performance while in office, or will we remain with our traditional and respectable campaign tactics, like hurling insults and screaming ‘Racist!’ at the drop of a hat?”

Strangely enough, even the Romney camp has admitted that the governor may have been a little too hard on the President Wednesday evening. Said Romney Deputy Campaign Manager Katie Packer Gage to reporters, Thursday, “Yes, the governor was a little too hard on Mr. Obama last night, and we promise to keep it ‘above the belt’ from now on.”

Added Gage, “We won’t be mentioning Obama’s record as president from now on. Ever. …We’ll just talk about 40 months of above-8-percent unemployment, over 16-percent underemployment, half of college graduates unable to find work, 14-percent unemployment for African-Americans —50-percent for Black youth—, 16.3 trillion dollars in national debt, 1.3 trillion dollar annual deficits, small businesses closing at record rates, the tax burdens and limits on personal heath choices by Obamacare, more people on food stamps and federal entitlement programs than ever, the devaluation of the dollar, enormous downsizing of our military’s size and readiness, the loss of American prestige around the world, the rise of China and Russia again as military and economic threats, the resurgence of al-Qaeda, U.S. embassies overrun by mobs, Islamists taking over the Middle East, dead border guards, dead Ambassadors, a nuclear-armed Iran, terror attacks everywhere and an entire nation again on the brink of another recession. … Yeah, that’s just what we’ll be sticking to from now on, not Obama’s record. Satisfied?”

(Note: This piece is satire)

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.