The following is satire.
Tuesday, November 13th, 2012,
(CLEVELAND, OH) —A week after the fact and 50-year-old Dale Jankovic still has trouble accepting the fact: President Obama won re-election.
But for the bearded 340-pound “professional caretaker” of 79-year-old Margaret Jankovic, Dale’s mother, (a title he has held for the last 32 years), the jaw-dropping results of November 6th carry an extra sting. For Jankovic, a lifelong political activist and staunch opponent of President Obama, knows the secret behind Mitt Romney’s decisive defeat.
“Like I told David Frum eighteen times on Facebook: ‘If Republicans want to win this race, we’ve got to step it up with the photos of Obama looking like Adolf Hitler’!” said the raging, pimple-covered Jankovic from his basement dwelling in his mother’s house. The 18-hour-a-day Internet warrior said he had been hounding Frum, a former presidential speechwriter and GOP pundit to stop “discussing the issues” in his columns and add more pictures Obama looking like Hitler.
“…But did (Frum) take my advice? No!” bellowed Jankovic through chartreuse-tinged teeth that have not been flossed since 1994. “No, he didn’t take my advice…just took me to court again!”
Jankovic’s contacting Frum (in any way) is forbidden. Frum, in fear for his life due to Jankovic’s stalking, (a charge to which the obese piece of human debris adamantly denies), had filed his third Restraining and eight Cease and Desist Order last month against the basement-bound Jankovic, who has been wearing the same pair of pajamas for several weeks.
While he is not carrying chicken noodle soup to his elderly mother and landlord (who charges Dale the cost of having to raise himself away from his three self-built desktop computers every six hours to bring her chicken noodle soup), Jankovic spends his time posting Photoshopped images of President Obama with….you guess it: Hitler mustaches.
“Oh, the Obama-As-Hitler pic industry is booming. I’m proud to be pioneering it!” said Jankovic, to Duh Progressive, Sunday, his yellow, inch-long fingernails tapping away on his keyboard. “But it’s bitter-sweet. If only conservatives had posted more photos of Obama looking like Hitler around the internet, then we’d be talking about a President-Elect Romney now.”
Jankovic is certainly outspoken on trying to convince wayward Democrats, moderate and independent voters of why they should not support Barack Obama by posting Photoshopped images of the President wearing the signature trademark of the Nazi dictator. And Obama’s re-election is not stopping Jankovic’s Hitler-oriented hobby. Obviously, Jankovic’s efforts fell short two weeks ago, but not due to any fault of Jankovic’s. “I contacted every liberal Facebook group and ‘friend’ I had with pictures of Obama as Hitler. I don’t know why it didn’t do more to persuade more of them not to vote for him.”
Naturally, the chronically blue-cheese smelling Photoshop whiz and self-admitted bachelor who has never kissed a girl ( but only because he could never find one worthy of his affection, of course, claims Jankovic) says he only has himself and other Obama-Hitler photo makers to blame: if only they had posted more Obama-Hitler-mustache pics! Said Jankovic as a German coach roach scurried over his computer screen Sunday, “I feel like Christopher Walken in that famous (Saturday Night Live) skit: ‘I got a fever.’ And the only prescription … is more mustache.”
Obama-as-Hitler picture makers are the “Aristotles of political persuasion,” according to fellow Obama-as-Hiter photo buff Paul Dieter, 43, of Evansville, IN. The part-time elevator repairman and former Tea Party activist (until, Dieter said, they became too “commie-like”) said he made sure all of his neighbors in his “purple” Benton neighborhood received photos of Obama looking like Der Fuhrer in their doors. Romney campaign canvassers in the area even had take down many of Dieter’s homemade flyers themselves and apologize to offended voters, Republicans, Democrats and especially independents.
Said a disgusted Dieter Saturday, “Doesn’t (the Romney campaign) know the best way to sway undecided voters is to give them photos of your opponent with a Hitler mustache and in an SS uniform? No wonder Romney lost!”
“I even delivered a box of 500 Obama-Hitler pics to Romney’s closest campaign offices,” said a red-faced Dieter. “They threatened to call the police. I guess next election I’ll have to drop off 5,000!”
(Not one independent voter who received any of Jankovic or Dieter’s photos of Obama looking like Adolf Hitler voted for Mitt Romney)
The preceding is satire.