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FBI Arrests Grover Norquist in Connection to Boston Bombing!

Grover_in_jumsuit_350 (1)The following is satire.

by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief

(WASHINGTON) — Just hours after the Boston Marathon bombing, with no evidence of who the culprit(s) may have been, senior Obama advisor David Axelrod said the President suspected the bombing “may have had something to do with it being Tax Day” (April 15th), implying the terrorists were domestic anti-tax or federal government zealots, similar to Timothy McVeigh of the Oklahoma City bombing.

Thus, despite the fact that brothers Tamerlan (deceased, 26) and Dzhokhar (apprehended, 19) Tsarnaev have been positively identified as the Boston Marathon bombers, the FBI still raided the Washington office of Grover Norquist, the founder and president of the “radical” group Americans for Tax Reform Wednesday morning.

The FBI admits not a shred of evidence has been found linking the 57-year-old conservative flat-tax advocate to the Boston bombers. But the fact that Norquist is such an outspoken opponent of the lengthy U.S. tax code makes him a prime suspect for any act of terror on Tax Day, according to the feds.

“We must put these (Tsarnaev) brothers aside for now and look at other motivations … and therefore other culprits,” said FBI spokesperson Jaclyn Moulton, Wednesday after Norquist’s early morning arrest. “There’s currently no evidence linking Mr. Norquist to the Tsarnaev brothers or the Marathon bombing — all the more reason to arrest and investigate him!

The bombing happened on Tax Day and Boston’s “Patriot Day,” according to Moulton. “…And we know (Grover) Norquist considers himself a ‘patriot’ who hates taxes. I’m confident we’ll find evidence that connects him to these bombings. We have already discovered a pressure cooker in his house with a leftover turkey and gravy in it. … Left over from when, huh? Thanksgiving was months ago!”

Continued Moulton, “How (Norquist) is connected to the Tsarnaev brothers we still don’t know. …We’re investigating any hatred the Tsarnaev brothers had towards state or federal taxes, but certainly not their obsession with radical Islam. We’re not even considering that at as a motivator at this point.”

Department of Homeland Security officials speaking on conditions of anonymity said that even if not involved in the April 15th Boston attack, the famed tax-fighter, whose influence has weighed so heavily on Republicans lawmakers in Congress, should be held indefinitely. “When I think ‘lunatic bomber,’ I think Grover Norquist. “…I don’t know who couldn’t?” an unnamed source from Director Janet Napolitano’s office told Duh Progressive Wednesday.

Norquist had just appeared on Fox News’ Your World with Cavuto Tuesday afternoon discussing immigration reform, breaking from his usual area of expertise (taxes), an aspect sources within Janet Napolitano’s office say made Norquist a greater threat to the public.

“Norquist’s comments on immigration reform prove he was beginning to branch out into other areas of politics and public debate,” said the unnamed DHS source. “Even if (Norquist) is proved innocent of the Boston bombing, the fact he had begun to ‘expand his operations’ shows he was a growing menace. We were right to arrest him, regardless.”

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Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.