Norquist was last seen and photographed being escorted off a plane by military MPs at a Naval base in Norfork, Virginia, rumored to be a common stopping point for suspected terrorists and “enemy combatants’” to be interrogated before being shipped to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (which President Obama proudly and so swiftly closed upon taking office in 2009, as everyone knows). The Department of Homeland Security has yet to officially comment in Norquist’s surprising early-morning arrest, but the FBI’s Jaclyn Moulton said the Bureau is not in charge nor is she aware of how long Norquist will remain in Norfolk, or if he will eventually find his way to “Gitmo” to spend indefinite time among Muslim jihadists and no doubt haters of outrageously complex and lengthy tax codes.
“This is America turned upside-down!” said a furious Senator Lindsey Graham, himself an outspoken critic of the U.S. intelligence community, including Janet Napolitano’s handling of the Tsarnaev brothers, the oldest of which had been on a terrorist watch list prior to the Tax Day bombing. Graham said the government’s sudden arrest of Norquist was “outrageous,” and a prime example of the type of persecution seen in Russia, ironically the nation that warned the U.S. about the oldest radical brother, Tamerlan.
“A man who’s spent his career fighting high taxes is ‘assumed’ to be connected to this tragedy in Boston because it happened on ‘tax deadline day’? Are you (expletive) kidding me?!” Graham roared outside the Senate Wednesday. “These are Gestapo tactics against a prominent opponent of this administration, based on the least amount of circumstantial evidence possible! …Who doesn’t think taxes are too numerous and high?! Who doesn’t think their taxes could be better spent?! Who doesn’t hate paying taxes?! Nobody! This is insane! INSANE, I SAY! …Release Grover, now! Release Grover Now! Release Grover Now! Relea…..”
UPDATE: Live television feed of Senator Graham’s comments about the Norquist arrest was suddenly cut unexpectedly and inexplicably around 11:04 AM. Neither Senator Graham nor his top office staff have been seen since.
The Preceding is satire.
